Monday, September 29, 2008

MILPH? HUSSY? Hey, I was 5...


Discussing "MILF" with my song writer/client/friend (see previous post below) got us into a discussion about "milph" vs. "MILF" and he asked what I meant with my acronym. Somehow "Mother I'd Like to Play House [with]" popped into my head. And I remembered this...

DATE: Early 1970's
PLACE: Hintz Drive, in my hometown
PRESENT: Me, Jackie, David

Growing up, we had lots of kids in the neighborhood. Ours was a new development created just for me (in my ego-centric, baby-of-the-family spoiled-brat mind). I was the first "new baby" born on the street. Ok not born on the street, I was born in a hospital, but you know what I mean. New development + catholic families + 1966 = Lots of kids. No iPods, no video games, not even Atari yet (or pong) meant using your imagination.

We played "house." A lot. In the early days - 4, 5, 6 years old, it was pretty much Jackie & Dave & me. (in our later years we'd call ourselves, Jack, Tieds & Mel and were the kings of the 20 or so kids running wild in the streets). Dave lived across the street, Jackie 2 doors down. We were in the "first section" of the eventual cul de sac - only about 10 houses - and beyond Jackie's house was blissful dirt road, woods, ponds, the "dirt mountain" - all to be discovered a little later. For now, we were content to play mostly in Jackie's yard because he had all the cool toys, perfect for "House." Play food, ride on tractor toys and ride on cars, yard bowling, lots of toy guns (sheriff stuff). Lots of bushes and a convenient lawn chair.... And an attached garage full of these toys with no car in it and, better yet, no direct access from real house to our Play House for nosey moms to peek in.

Being 4 months older than Jackie and a whole year Older than Dave, I called the shots. Plus I was The Girl. The Bossy Girl.

Jackie (imagine James Garner in his uber-hot younger days, I kid you not) was, naturally, the Husband.

Dave the son (Imagine Opy on Andy Griffith I kid you not).

Me, the hottie housewife.

Ok ok I didn't know the word Hottie existed. And it probably didn't back then. And I was 5. Still, I was the mom/wife/boss of the universe.

so Mr. James Rockford, uh I mean Jackie, would go "off to work" on his mini John Deere tractor (his dad was a landscaper by trade in the summer - some engineering job in the winter, I think), Davey would go off to school, and I would "cook dinner." I repeat, we were 5.

I don't remember much of "playing house." I do remember an interesting twist to the game - the memory brought on partly, I'm sure, by my mother's memory of it.

One time when Daddy came home from work, Davey was sent to play while Jackie and I grabbed a lawn chair behind the bushes and spent some time checking out each other's lips. Just lips people, we were 5.

In our later years, the Jackie, Tieds, Mel years, Jackie and I rediscovered each other's lips briefly one summer (LIPS people, I was a strict Catholic girl whose mother knew and saw everything). but somehow it was never as good as that first, sweet time when we were 5, the world was his garage and yard, and Dave was the faithful Opie-like Son.

And so, you say MILF. I say MILPH. Mother I'd Like to Play House with...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

She's a Milf and She's Mine...and other random stuff

OH yeah there are a lot of topics for posting after a 1/2 week of debauchery - um I mean conferences - in Vegas. But this one is just too funny.

one of my clients writes songs on the side. So at one of the receptions, he hands me his iPhone and this plays:

And it just slays me. Totally. Maybe I'm supposed to be offended. But I can't be because I find this hilarious. So I have to put it on my blog (he gave me permission).

He gives equal time to the dads. Calls them "Filtfy" (Father's i'd like to freak -y'all) Pronounced "Filthy" . Somehow. Anyway yeah it was that kind of week again. I don't see that song on his web page, but some of the other songs there are good, too. Check him out

And in the "other random stuff" part:
My article I wrote (professional) got picked up on the web by the Association of General Counsel and one of my clients emailed it back to me, which was shocking. We published it in our firm newsletter and someone actually read it and passed it on. Or something. Wow, I hope I was right about the law and all that!

OK well it's 1030 pm and I'm at work for no real reason. Silly girl. I think I'm still on Vegas time.

Thanks Craig for the tunes! And someone send Vegas some Malibu rum, would you? Because I'm pretty sure I drank it all while I was there.... why yes i did get work done - taught a class, drafted some motions that we filed, met some new clients, took out some old ones. Amazing what you can do when you cut out sleep...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Vegas Baby!

I am going to be soooooo sick of hearing that phrase - what movie is that from anyway? Actually I'm already sick of hearing it.

I'm headed to a conference in Vegas. 3000 people. I'm teaching a class (no not on blogging but keywords, metatags and internet advertising and the trademark implications thereof - I'm actually excited in a lawgeek kind of way....)

And there will be lots of "client development" aka parties. Lots of parties. No I will not gamble b/c I hate gambling. But I will be smoozing, and "glad handling" and "grin & greet"-ing. Some of it is fun. Most of it exhausting. oh and I have to fit in my billable time, too and get my pretrial motions filed by Monday afternoon.

Sooooo I won't be blogging for a while. And when I get back on Wednesday for my Ass Update you can bet I won't have made much progress on slimming down....

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Ass Update: The Ass and My Ass

So it's thursday and I missed the Wednesday Ass Update: so sue me. I think I know a good lawyer....

As for my Ass, well It's growing nicely, thank-you-very-much. Let's see, since last Wednesday's ass update.... a weekend at a spectacular little chalet in Flordia - the Chalet Suzanne - Captain's friend's birthday party. Wine, Veuve Clicquot champagne, awesome bbq, 2 pieces of birthday cake, all you can eat breakfast, 'nough said. And then Tuesday, September 16th? Let's see...breakfast in bed by Daughter, Lunch with BossMan, Dinner with children at Outback (and they let me have first dibs on the cheesefries), cake at home after dinner...must be MY BIRTHDAY. Yep. Thank you Mr. Scale for those added 3 pounds.

And then there's the ASS who lives next door. Ready for this one? Ok aside from the fact that he has taken to running back into the house when he sees me coming outside with the dogs, we had this on Wednesday:

It's my week for the kids. And it's Awards Ceremony Week when the school devotes a night to honoring the kids for last year's performance. And induct the newbies in National Honor Society. (Yes I am P-R-O-U-D so sue me. See above). But with Cross country and PSAT class and soccer, and school being 30 minutes away in non-rush hour...well...we were late to the ceremony. Really late. I came rushing in to the gym, where 600 parents sat cramming the seats and 300 students were lined up outside waiting to do their processional in. I scanned the crowd 1) looking for ex so as not to sit by him, no dice; 2) looking for friends - oops I hear the band, find a seat mom and SIT DOWN. So I spy a seat over on the second section. I crawl over a few people to the middle and plunk down. And then I hear it. A large siiiigggh. Wait. I recognize that sigh - no not the teenagers, they are in line. So I turn my head slightly around and who is sitting right behind me??? Yep. Ex. So now I am giggling. B/c I truly did not see him. And I know he thinks I did and sat in front of him on purpose. Trust me, I never get this lucky.

So we sit through the ceremony ignoring each other. And file out ignoring each other. But I find the kids first and ask if they've seen dad. And direct them to say Hi to Dad. And smile at him but he ignores me. And I take the kids to ColdStone for some ice cream before we hit home.

And that's my Ass update...

Tomorrow I hit the Courthouse to file my "answer" to the divorce papers. I finished them finally today. Took 20 minutes. I just couldn't face it. So I cried my way to school to get the kids. No, I don't miss him. It just wasn't supposed to work out this way. And yeah, it would be nice if he could be friends. I mean, c'mon, we were married 20 years. OH and his parents sent me a card and a very generous birthday check. And once again his sister gets the award for the funniest birthday card ever (my brother a close second...). So there is only one explanation for him: ASS....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Incredibles and National Honor Society

Sitting in panera after soccer/cross country with Son, Daughter and her BF (also on cross country). The 3 are discussing what group costume they (and other friends) can be for halloween, keeping in mind their school does not allow cross dressing.

Harry Potter characters? NO
Superheroes? Well, not bad but there are no "good" girl Superheroes (as we all shouted out "Wonder Woman" at the same time) and Daughter said, "I said GOOD ones."

So Mom said, "You could be Mrs. incredible - or the daughter"
Daughter said, "YEAH We could ALL be the Incredibles - you guys are on cross country so Dash is perfect!"
Son: "No I don't want to be the incredibles, how about Planet something-something."
Daughter, "That's a cartoon. You can't be a cartoon.".....

BF looks at Son. They look at me. We're trying not to laugh. Wait for it. Wait for it....

Daughter: "What??!"
BF: "We can't be a cartoon - you mean like the Incredibles?!"
Daughter: "Ha-ha oh um that was a joke. I was just testing you. I will deny I said that."


Oh she (and Son) made National Honor Society and they are to be inducted tomorrow night. But she's not sure if the Incredibles are a cartoon or are real....

Friday, September 12, 2008

He Really Did That!

We've been experiencing some "weather" around here lately. Weather that brings down limbs and branches and trees.

Last week I had a ginormous limb in the back yard. Like 20 or 30 feet long. Thankful it didn't fall near the house or any other stuff. No damage. Just mess. I finally got around to cutting the rather tall grass in the front yard and picking up some of the larger sticks. Not my favorite job, the picking up sticks thing. Unless I can throw them in the yard next door. Wait, that would be mean. OK so I don't do that. But I think about it. Besides, Ex was out in his yard while I was mowing and picking up sticks, which precluded the throwing part. Even though NO he didn't see me and I am apparently invisible. What great superpowers I have! even with the loud lawnmower running, I am completely and totally unnoticable.

Nope, acted like there was nobody over here. I waved anyway.

After mowing, I went out back and I looked hard at that limb, but it didn't get up and walk away. I yanked on it - that was dumb and just hurt my back. Hmmm. Going to need a chain saw. Some mancake handyman teenagers. Time. Ugh. Put that on "tomorrow"'s list. Time to go to Daughter's soccer game, then my game, then bed.

Monday morning I got up and looked out my back window at the puppies - and noticed the limb was gone. The yard miraculously clean. No f'en way. Because Son was with me at soccer, so he didn't do it. And Captain lives 1000 miles South, so he didn't do it. No f'en way.

I texted Son to make sure he didn't do it. Nope.

So I wrote the gagiest, sickly sweet nicest email to Ex inquiring as to whether he cleaned up my yard and how nice it was and how busy I know he is and gee wasn't that swell of him. OK I didn't say swell. OH and b/c he'd ignore my email unless I required a response (and still he might ignore it anyway) I said, "And if you didn't do it, please tell me so that I can find and thank the person who did me the wonderful favor."

The response? "I removed the limb given it fell from my parent's tree."

That.Was.All. well, hey he removed the limb. And I said, "thank you again."

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Today is one of those dates, one of those days we all remember in the same way and yet differently.

I'd venture to say all of us over age 20 could tell you precisely where they were 7 years ago. I can still recall the feelings of 7 years ago.

I am proud to be an American. Even with the stupid things we do, admitting our many faults, in the grand scheme of things, I am proud to be an American, warts and all.

And so is it a little ironic perhaps that now Sept 11th will have a new meaning for me. Freedom in a whole new way. I came home from work late again to find a folder in my mailbox. I opened it up. And there, finally, were the divorce papers. Finally.

I opened the folder and quickly scanned them - just as we agreed, plain and simple, d-i-v-o-r-c-e. I still have to "answer." And in this state, we have to have a hearing in front of the judge.

But I am one Very Big Step Closer to the rest of my life.


My mommy asked me how I felt when I opened the folder. Honestly? "GREAT."

Is that weird? Am I bad?

[Edited to add: for a GREAT 9/11 tribute, read Mel A Dramatic Mommy's post here]

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Sigh. How did another week get away from me?

Positive things I did for the 2008 Ass Campaign this week:
  • Played 90 minutes of outdoor soccer and ran hard for at least 1/2 of it. DIDN'T hurt my knee in the last few minutes, despite having the opportunity. Read All about It
  • Did about 100 situps/crunches every other day. Not every day. not 400. But I'm getting there
  • Added squats for the flabby thighs per Sharon, my friend who is a personal trainer. They don't hurt my knee too badly.
  • Drank a lot of water

Bad Bad Behavior that has Thwarted any chances at losing weight:

  • Ate "loaded" french fries for dinner Saturday while shopping at the mall with the kids after secretly crying in the dressing room looking at the backs of my thighs (damned 3 way mirrors) and realizing I will never be in shape at this rate...;
  • Cleaned out the conference room of Twix Bars for dinner Monday night around 1130 pm at the office and drank too many diet cokes until 130 am;
  • Trying to avoid a repeat Twix incident, Tuesday ate small pizza (with grapes and goat cheese topping strange but yummy) for lunch in cafeteria, then Ordered dinner at Chop House (crab bisque and steak salad with cheese and garlic bread and corn bread - have some carbs) with paralegal as we did exhibits until 11pm;
  • Wednesday dying of hunger and exhausted after 2 late nights went to Clyde's and ordered the portobella, cheese, sun-dried tomato with alioli and toasted bread sandwich;

So Um Yeah, not such a great week.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Another Saturday Night....

There are times, like now, when I stand in my backyard, running the dogs, looking up to Ex's window where his light is on, and think, "Why aren't we sitting on the couch in the lovely family room that he rebuilt in front of our awesome home theater enjoying a movie together, sipping some wine, sharing some laughs while the kids are at Ian's watching a movie?"

And I can't help but think, "What a waste."

And I think about NieNie and her lovely family and how she doted on the kids and truly loved her husband and now, well, they're in intensive care fighting for their lives, which, even if they survived, their lives will never, ever ever be remotely the same. And I have to wonder, "Why Them? Why not me? They got it right. We screwed it up. So why didn't they get to love each other as they were happily ever after forever and ever??"

And there's a small, tiny, miniscule part of me that wants to pick up the phone or walk on over there and say, "Hey can we talk about this? Really?"

And then reality strikes. And I remember why He lives there, and I live here. And I know that this is right for us. And I leave the laundry and the kitchen dishes and the piles of leaves that have blown in the back door from Hanna, and I go blog to remind myself that This Too Shall Pass.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Who ME???

WOW Thanks Jennifer for the shout out! I am so amazed every day at the number of people I have "met" on the internet by blogging. So cool to take a peek into other people's lives, to laugh and cry and dream with them. Check her out!

And so, to pass it on. Katydidnot - because she always writes about the wackiest stuff, never holds back and just flat out makes me laugh. even her one-liner comments kill me. I think if we ever met in real life and went out, well, the world would be a slightly different place the next day.

Myra at We Make Three . Her colors alone are so ... cool? I have been trying to think what it is about her simple color combination, the crispness, that make me feel soothed the minute I click there. And her Mixtape Mondays are a great way to sample and peek into someone else's life. We were working late one night and someone asked if they could check out the songs on my iPod, or would I find that intrusive. Huh? They said for them it was like someone peeking into their underwear drawer. Well, I guess I let the whole world into mine then, didn't I?

Melanie at Beanpaste - her photos are so crisp and beautiful, her layout amazing, and she turned me on to the family strife of NieNie. Anyone so giving has to rock the world.

Hula Girl At Heart at Growing Older But not Up. Because she Gets it about Jimmy. I'm just sayin.

And Tootsie Farkelpants at Vintage Thirty for her candid writing style and a banner that makes me laugh just by clicking on it.

There are just too many of you I love to read which is why I stay up all night trying to work - Busy Bee and jenn at Juggling life and Debbie at etc etc etc. I could be here all day giving shouts out to people - and the ones who comment to me regularly and keep me going, Jennifer and Amy and Suzanne Sigh. It's a love fest. And, of course, the great Mrs. G.

This is just a smattering of the blogs I try to read at least weekly. And I wonder why the laundry is piling up, the bathrooms are dirty and I don't remember where I last put the vacuum....

Friday, September 5, 2008

Bloggers Uniting to Help

I surf around and one of my favorite sites is Mrs. G. She linked me to Beanpaste who shared the horrid story of a young couple who is fighting for their life after a private plane crash. They have 4 young kids. The blogger world is uniting to donate to their medical expenses (burns over 80% of their body and the extended care of the kids). Click on the button to donate. click on Beanpaste to enter an auction for a new blog look, proceeds going to NieNie.

See the story picked up by the Times click on it.

Be thankful for the ills from which you are exempt.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Nothing like a little vindication to brighten up a crazy crabbyass day.

Girls Soccer coach at the kids' high school got FIRED. Classic case of "what goes around comes around." Karma at its best.

I shouldn't be so mean, I know, but you know what? He is a liar and takes advantage of people and situations. He was NOT a good example for the girls. I never understood why they kept him. OH wait that's right - he won championships. At what price?

For 2 years I put up with his lies. We put up with his lies. We went to camps and practices and games and volunteered yaddah yaddah yaddah. "Everyone gets new uniforms this year." Oh I meant just varsity. "I'm not going to recruit because I have a great class of JV players coming up." Oh did I just recruit 10 freshmen? "We are on the cover of scholastic magazine where we are featured as #1 in the country." We did have a nice spread inside the magazine - where we were ranked #35....just a smattering of examples.

And then this year, as Daughter is going through the ugly divorce stuff with 2 parents who don't exactly get along etc etc? I talked to coach over the summer to gauge her chances of varsity. At any other high school she would've been varsity as a freshman, but this high school has a killer team. (I didn't know that when we applied....silly me but she's there for the academics first). And I shared with him the troubles of home and all but said, "Whatever you do please keep her with her best friends." I knew he had recruited a bunch of awesome freshman from all over the state. OK. I'm not asking that she start. Despite starting for 2 years on JV and being high scorer. Just, you know, is there a spot for her with her other friends among the 22 varsity girls?

Apparently there was room for everyone but her. His idea of self-esteem training was to make her the only junior on JV - oh but at least she's captain.

Joke's on him. The varsity girls - those 10 freshman he's decided to start? well they are tying everyone, which isn't good enough for the money he's spent. and she's scoring goal after goal and leading the JV team to victories in their games. And having fun. While her junior friends sit on the bench and watch the freshmen lose the game. And the parents come up to me and want to know why she's playing JV. I just smile and say, "Got me." (I have long since given up trying to do something about it.)

And today he got fired. Rumors are he cussed one too many times in front of Fr. John. (it's a private, catholic school). Whatever he did, I'm glad he's gone. One girl who is particularly good and played on the national chapionship team interrupts him routinely during meetings and says, "Hey coach can you hurry it up? I want to go to Chipotle." She should be kicked off the team for such rude behavior. Oh no. He starts her. Because she's good. What are we teaching our kids?

I'm just glad he isn't teaching my kid anything anymore.

Oh yes I (along with the other sophmore parents) did try to rally the parents last year and wrote a group letter to the principle and the athletic director about the terrible coaching (he hired a JV coach who knew NOTHING about soccer but worked at a store where he could get discounts for Coach) and lack of support for the JV players. But he appeared untouchable.

Vindication. Daughter has the biggest smile on her face. Lesson learned. Watch that Karma.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Mrs. G. says we are to update on Wednesdays. So here I go.

NOPE No photos yet. (but my belly is hanging out in that photo below with BossMan). But after the debauchery of the weekend I have behaved myself. Ran 3.2 miles Tuesday. Did 150 crunches. Ate healthy food. Cut down drastically on the diet cokes.

I still have a looooong way to go. But I am finally finally headed in the right direction. 2 days down, many many more to go.

Thanks Mrs. G for giving me the courage to face the Flabbys.

Catch up - but no mustard.

FIRST - Thank you MYRA for my MIX TAPE MONDAY debut. She has a great website and every Monday does a blogger's favorite mix tapes. Mine is "workout tapes through the years." Her blog is very cool, great colors, interesting and varied content. Check her out!

Second, Yeah, Buffett was GREAT. Sorry all my peeps out there in Japan and across the country who couldn't take that extra ticket I had. I did find another fan to accompany the pack. The parking lot party was fun - I need to find photos of that. Captain rainman took a secret video of me hulahooping with my GIANT margarita glass (My shark swims in it, my lei decorates it, parasols keep the beverages cool. Yeah it's big...) sneaky sneaky boy. Not sure how to post that video...but let's try.
Here she is - a Hula Girl at Heart...

THIRD: After Buffett we went to BossMan's house to sleep in his new office/guest room over his garage, completely finished by hand in mahagony wood. What, sleep at my Boss's house? Why yes, he did introduce me to Captain Rainman. That's a weird story...

Then Sunday we went sailing with BossMan and his family. Oh by now I'm used to our somewhat twisted relationship - BossMan and I share some strange friends and experiences. I guess that's a good thing to really, really like your Boss for the person he is. He loves his wife deeply even after 15 or so years, which is rare in my world, I must tell you. He's a great dad. He's a good brother. Oh and he gets so mad when I call him "Boss." He's my colleague. But it's more fun to call him BossMan.

So after a perfect sailing day from the Marina to BossMan's bay house (where the Captain and I hang out when Captain comes to town because, well, the kids next door is just a little too close...), and after a couple bottles of Champagne among the 5 of us (BossMan's wife and sister and us), and some Dark n Stormies and the hugest, most awesome crabcakes in the universe, BossMan declares, "I want to go for a boat ride." BossMan has a stable of Captain and I are dumb enough to get in the little "runabout" (15 feet?) and cruise the river with him ... at 11pm at night ... Silly us, we thought we were going for a little ride. Then BossMan takes us to A new bar on the water with a live band. Captain and I say, "Um we didn't bring wallets or purses - I thought we were going for a ride." BossMan exclaims, "I have LOTS of Cash in my pocket." Well then....

[edited to remove photo after thinking about how he might feel if he saw this photo.....]
We go up and find this great band playing eclectic 80's tunes. And we dance. And if you can't see BossMan's eyes in this photo at this point, well, it's just funny. OK I'm looking pretty scary after a day on the water (if you've never been sailing, you just have to imagine a day in the salty wind - it's a "fun" dirty), so dirty, with a mismatched outfit (it's a pirate shirt that says, "Women who behave rarely make history." I love that saying...).

Then we got back in the boat, (Rainman drove) and went off to another bar (HUH? I thought we were going HOME!) thankfully it was CLOSED. Imagine that closed at 2am. So we headed home. And eventually, after discovering that the creeks all look the same at night, we found home. BossMan went up to bed while the Captain and I laughed hysterically at jokes we can't remember now (we stayed on the sailboat) and then promptly crashed.

I think this probably doesn't qualify as "dancing." I think we were laughing about something again. We do that a lot.

I'm pretty sure I'm never drinking Rum ever again.....

Now it's back to work and back to business. Just in time to save my sanity. And my liver. Whew.