Sunday, February 14, 2010

Saying Goodbye

In my Rebuilding class, we write a goodbye letter. I wrote mine but I need to feel it. It may be TMI for some of you. I have thought hard about this. And I think part of my Rebuilding is letting go and Believing I CAN let go. So here is my Goodbye Letter.

I started to tell you goodbye. After two pages of solid, single spaced, tiny handwriting, I hadn’t even gotten close to the goodbye part – I was still tracing history. And I realized I wasn’t saying goodbye because I haven’t gotten past the blame.

The blame I have taken for our breakup.

The blame I want to assign to you for not loving me. For never loving me. For lying to me about being my Prince Charming. For pretending to be the other half of “the perfect couple.”

And then I realized that I need to say goodbye to the blame, to the past, to the dreams shattered, the heart broken. I need to say goodbye to the pain of never being heard.

I admit it – I wanted the perfect life. I wanted 2.3 kids, a dog, a picket fence, a vacation home, and lots of cousins and grandparents. Most of all, I wanted love. To love and be loved, warts and all. I wanted to be the girl you thought you married. I tried to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Sunday School teacher, children’s choir director, Brownie Mom, Denmother. When that didn’t work, I tried to be the best law student and then the best lawyer. Something – anything – that would bring back the dream. The dream of us, of our family, our extended family, all of it.

When it became apparent that nothing I did would ever be good enough, when you gained 50 pounds and told me you didn’t care because I was killing you, I broke. I schemed, I planned. I told you to leave – it’s what you asked for all those years ago. It’s what you said you wanted when the kids went to college. So I gave you an early release for bad behavior.

And you hated me for it – you said I was selfish. I wrecked the dream, I ruined our future. I damaged the children.

I wore a big D on my shirt. I was shamed. I failed. I lost the future – grandchildren in rocking chairs on the front porch, growing old together, holidays, milestones celebrated, family time. All gone.

Despite my friends, my family, your sisters, my children – telling me it was OK, I started to believe you. I started to take all the blame and the guilt and to doubt myself as you were always so good at making me do.

Until today when I put it all down on paper and said Wait. This is a child’s dream built on a foundation of make believe. The 5 year old in me wanted Prince Charming. The 18 year old girl thought she found it. The 30 year old girl clung obsessively to it. But the 40 year old girl woke up and saw the lie for what it was.

Maybe I could have done it better. Maybe I could have been kinder. Maybe I could be nicer some days. Maybe you could, too. But today I am saying goodbye to the blame. Today I am saying goodbye to the childish dreams that never had a chance of coming true. Today I am saying goodbye for being a foolish girl in love with a lie. Today I am saying goodbye to the heartache of trying so hard to get you to notice me. Good-bye yesterday.

Hello tomorrow.

14 comments:

DF said...

Please know you have support from all over America that is here, just waiting with open ears and arms, should you need them.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It sounds like you are on your way to making the next chapter of your life what you want it to be--not in a fairy tale, but here in the real world.

Kudos to you for figuring it out.

JO said...

Good job GND, good job.

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, this must have been so freeing. I've tried to get to this place, and I've thought I was there many times, but then something will happen that makes me realize I'm not. When I grow up, I want to be you.

hulagirlatheart said...

I've often asked myself in the last year or so why it's so hard to put down baggage and walk away from it. I say toss that old Samsonite to the curb and buy a nice new Vuitton bag that suits the grown up woman who wrote this letter. Kudos to you!

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

Okay now let it go. Dig deep and really let it go, and then fly my friend. It is there for you, how could it not be?

Jason, as himself said...

I'm glad you're self aware enough to realize these things. I think many people never get to this point.

Here's to moving on, completely!

Persnickety Ticker said...

Whoa! WOW! So eloquently worded! I am in awe!

You go GIRL!

WV: wednest. (giggle)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

*like*

dkuroiwa said...

That...was awesome.
You said 'good-bye' to oh so many things...how much lighter you must feel!!
Good. For. You.
and yeah...hellLLloooOOoo Sunshine!!

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

oh my gosh...I could have written your blog and this post!! WOW! I was married 14 years..3 kids..hubby left (younger gal..) I broke.. lost my DREAM!! I rebounded..bad mistake..and now I a carrying on and rebuilding my life after 2 heartbreaks. Ex and I are not neighbors but we see eachother alot due to the kids! Its just plain complicated!!!!!:)

TAG said...

Outstanding letter. Love it.

Now the trick is to get out there and live it.

TAG

Anonymous said...

I woke up today thinking, today is the day that I need to decide to move on and to figure out how to do it..how to forgive myself and accept who he is... Your letter is helping me to do that. Thank you.

Ramona Norwood said...

Love this. Thanks for sharing it.