Sometimes I find it curious that the more there is to say, the less I Blog. Part of that is because certain people read this that I don't want to, and so the things I used to write about, I don't. Part of it is, well, I find myself too busy to blog. The outlet I craved, needed during those early days of being divorced seem to have faded. And yet, when something funny or endearing or enraging happens, I often write the post in my head, wondering what snappy comment Cheri would find, missing the wit and love of Jo, the humor of Suzy, the support of Chitown Girl, Etc Etc Etc, Jenn, Hula Girl, and so many others. I don't read the blogs like I used to, but I carry you all around in my heart.
And so it is that another major event, a turn in the road has occurred and yet the pages of my blog remain blank. Tonight as we get the Snowpocolypse, I sit by the fire, watching the snow fall at a rate of 2-3 inches an hour, and ponder the past few weeks.
A few weeks ago, The Captain and I had a Big Talk. And he graciously accepted the fact that "I gotta be me." It's no secret I found him right on the heels of my breakup. I tried to keep him at arm's distance, knowing that I probably needed some Alone Time to deal with the Divorce. But he was so cute, supportive, loving, friendly, unassuming, funny, charming, adventuresome. He was all that Ex never, ever was. And yet he was all the good things Ex was, too - handy, smart, generous, quiet. Quiet? Yeah, why do I pick those quiet guys? And could this quiet guy like me when the first one, despite knowing my rather, um, outgoing personality, got tired of me so fast?
And it's no secret I started a Rebuilding class in September. The first rule of the class, "Don't date." Ha! don't date? I've get a serious boyfriend of nearly 2 years! Don't date?
Those words haunted me. The words of my therapist, my friends, my family, total strangers all coming back to me. "How can you start a new relationship when you haven't spent time letting go of the last one."
And so as the fall turned to winter, and dating turned to, well, "More," I started to Panic. And I stopped enjoying all the things we shared. I stopped loving the texts, the phone calls, the 20 second "HIthinkingof you" breaks in the day. I stopped writing emails. I dreaded the long journeys. I didn't want to pack.
And he knew. Of course he knew. Because amazingly, He Knows Me. He gets me. And that scares me - because what if no one else ever gets me like he does? But why am I right back in a relationship? The Panic won. The Captain stepped aside.
I am sailing alone, but I do not feel adrift. I have kept what the Captain taught me, and the mentors before him. I am not sure of my course, having not yet mastered celestial navigation. But I am asking God for Guidance. The Captain checks in and has asked the Courts for an extension to file a brief in rebuttal. He is gathering his exhibits and his expert witnesses (his words, not mine and no he's not a lawyer, just very witty!). He has submitted his first brief, which the Court is pondering rather than filing an opposition.
In the months to come, I will tackle my Self. My career plans, my kids graduating, my House, my goals, my future. Not that the Captain really interfered with that (here's where it gets difficult). He let me be me, and yet, just by being with him, I felt I couldn't be Me. Perhaps 20 years of second-guessing, feeling guilty, feeling inadequate have left me with a desire to prove myself to myself.
And so I am charting my own course. For now.