Friday, February 5, 2010

As Life Passes By

Sometimes I find it curious that the more there is to say, the less I Blog. Part of that is because certain people read this that I don't want to, and so the things I used to write about, I don't. Part of it is, well, I find myself too busy to blog. The outlet I craved, needed during those early days of being divorced seem to have faded. And yet, when something funny or endearing or enraging happens, I often write the post in my head, wondering what snappy comment Cheri would find, missing the wit and love of Jo, the humor of Suzy, the support of Chitown Girl, Etc Etc Etc, Jenn, Hula Girl, and so many others. I don't read the blogs like I used to, but I carry you all around in my heart.

And so it is that another major event, a turn in the road has occurred and yet the pages of my blog remain blank. Tonight as we get the Snowpocolypse, I sit by the fire, watching the snow fall at a rate of 2-3 inches an hour, and ponder the past few weeks.

A few weeks ago, The Captain and I had a Big Talk. And he graciously accepted the fact that "I gotta be me." It's no secret I found him right on the heels of my breakup. I tried to keep him at arm's distance, knowing that I probably needed some Alone Time to deal with the Divorce. But he was so cute, supportive, loving, friendly, unassuming, funny, charming, adventuresome. He was all that Ex never, ever was. And yet he was all the good things Ex was, too - handy, smart, generous, quiet. Quiet? Yeah, why do I pick those quiet guys? And could this quiet guy like me when the first one, despite knowing my rather, um, outgoing personality, got tired of me so fast?

And it's no secret I started a Rebuilding class in September. The first rule of the class, "Don't date." Ha! don't date? I've get a serious boyfriend of nearly 2 years! Don't date?

Those words haunted me. The words of my therapist, my friends, my family, total strangers all coming back to me. "How can you start a new relationship when you haven't spent time letting go of the last one."

And so as the fall turned to winter, and dating turned to, well, "More," I started to Panic. And I stopped enjoying all the things we shared. I stopped loving the texts, the phone calls, the 20 second "HIthinkingof you" breaks in the day. I stopped writing emails. I dreaded the long journeys. I didn't want to pack.

And he knew. Of course he knew. Because amazingly, He Knows Me. He gets me. And that scares me - because what if no one else ever gets me like he does? But why am I right back in a relationship? The Panic won. The Captain stepped aside.

I am sailing alone, but I do not feel adrift. I have kept what the Captain taught me, and the mentors before him. I am not sure of my course, having not yet mastered celestial navigation. But I am asking God for Guidance. The Captain checks in and has asked the Courts for an extension to file a brief in rebuttal. He is gathering his exhibits and his expert witnesses (his words, not mine and no he's not a lawyer, just very witty!). He has submitted his first brief, which the Court is pondering rather than filing an opposition.

In the months to come, I will tackle my Self. My career plans, my kids graduating, my House, my goals, my future. Not that the Captain really interfered with that (here's where it gets difficult). He let me be me, and yet, just by being with him, I felt I couldn't be Me. Perhaps 20 years of second-guessing, feeling guilty, feeling inadequate have left me with a desire to prove myself to myself.

And so I am charting my own course. For now.


ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. That's a lot to deal with, especially without your Bloggy Buddies standing behind you. ;-) However, it sounds like you really have everything figured out, and that you're at peace with the way things are right now. I hope that's true. Sending you {{{hugs}}}!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Wow. That's a lot to think about. It sounds like you know you've made the right choice--and I think trusting yourself and your instincts is probably a great thing.

Katy said...

Big hugs! It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to which is something not everyone has the courage to do. You are one smart cookie!

Kalynne Pudner said...

Call me an old-school Hollywood romantic, but I've got a feeling about this Captain of yours. He stepped aside to give you space? He's willing to give up and let go if that's what makes you happy in the long run? Oooh.

Everyone's different, I know. But I found the love of my life (22 years of marriage and counting) even closer on the heels of a breakup than you're talking about. Courses and support groups are terrific. But as long as you've got the GREAT CAPTAIN providing guidance, as you do, don't be surprised if there are surprises.

Bloggy support and lotsa prayers your way, girlfriend! And envy for all that snow, too :)

dkuroiwa said...

wow. what a lot to carry on your plate....but, it seems as if you have got it under control...and what isn't in control, soon will be.
My aunt used to say, "what you're doing right what you're supposed to be doing"...and if what you are doing feels right, then it is.
and yeah...i'm with kalynne...there's something about The Captain...i do believe he is one of the good guys who recognizes one of the good girls...this will be a great wait to see how it all turns out!!
Hang in there, my sweet. {{hugs}} from here, too...and remember your friends are just a blogpost away!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

There is nothing wrong with focusing on your 'self' for a while. I hate that quote about "if you love something set it free"...but really, it works in your situation.
The captain is a stand up guy...I am sure he understands your need to navigate for some time alone.
Good luck on your journey...glad you got us up to date!!!

On a different subject, did you know that you can block ALL readers except for those that you invite???? You can. I have really thought about doing this. I have some people that read my blog daily that I would rather they didn't.
Take care, Suz

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

Every time I see you, I click and read. Today I am much much wiser.
Mentors, a new thing you find on blogs..........

DF said...

Remember that the Captain's brief is an amicus brief.

J.G. said...

Lots I'd like to say, having been on a similar journey for a while myself, but everything comes down to this, when it's time for the court to rule:

Don't be afraid to let yourself be happy.

Carol P. said...

Much strength and courage to you, TGND, as you continue driving your life in the direction you want. Listen to your heart, especially in the quiet spaces, and no that the only thing that you can count on is that the next minute will be different than now.

And if it's the right thing, the Captain will be in your life in one way or another.

I've been running a scrum team for the past 6 months, and this past sprint I've been tagging the scorecard that I send out daily with quotes from Tennyson. (Last sprint it was Longfellow). We went through a round of layoffs and reorganizations and a very challenging project review process over the past 3 weeks. At one of the low points where the condescending implication was that we didn't know a damn thing about our area of expertise or how to deliver software (because the new sheriff in town preferred a less agile approach), I used this quote from Tennyson's play The Foresters, from when Maid Marian was using a bow to prevent herself from being married by force:

.... but while
I breathe Heaven's air, and Heaven looks down on me,
And smiles at my best meanings, I remain
Mistress of mine own self and mine own soul.

May you always be mistress of your own self and your own soul, and may heaven always smile upon your best meanings as you continue on this journey.

hulagirlatheart said...

"I am sailing alone but do not feel adrift"--that says it all. It's okay just "to be". Self love and serenity are priceless gifts. Find them and you can then share them when you're ready. I wish you luck,and if I lived in your area I'd buy you a margarita..or two. A cyber hug will have to do.

And keep that stinkin' snow in YOUR backyard.

ModernMom said...

OH what a lot to think about! Sounds like you are doing right is right for you! Well done. What is that saying...If you love something set it free...
Be well:)

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

Crap. Now I feel pressured to say something snappy, but really this post requires something sensitive. What to do? Well . . . I notice that you're taking a break from dating right about the time that Adam Lambert broke up with his boyfriend, and now I'm suspicious that the two of you are really dating each other . . . What? I know you want him, too.

Seriously? Bless your heart. I was eight years between husbands (I mean the actual ones, as opposed to the imaginary variety), and I think it was that ample time for healing and growth that made the happy second go-around possible.