60 Ways to Be a Martyr

I've decided I'm not the only one who should write a book.

The Ex needs to write one - "60 Ways to be a Martyr."  Yes after 6 years apart he has discovered yet another way to play the part.  But he doesn't realize I don't let him get away with it anymore.

It goes something like this:

Simple email request:  "Please send me Son's plane ticket info for his trip to Spain this semester." 

Response:  None.  ever.  (typical of 80% of the email I send him...still)

Talking to Son, Son says, "Oh yeah, I need to send you my plane info.  Dad asked me to."

I said:  WTF  (oh yes I did)
Son:  "Dad is intimidated by you I think.  I asked him why he didn't send it and he just mumbled some stuff about you, said something about me being responsible, and asked me to do it."
ME:  "BS Son.  I'm done with this.  Since you were 15 he has used every method possible to put you and your sister in the middle.  I've told him, therapists told him, family told him, friends told him DON'T DO IT.  but he does.  This is ridiculous.  We are parents together.  We at the very least have a business relationship of raising you.  If I ask for a plane reservation, there is absolutely no reason to get you involved.  I asked him because HE was supposed to do it and pay for it and I am the one with the relationship with our Spanish friends who will be picking you up, so our Spanish friends are waiting for an email from ME. [also Ex lives at the computer all day like I do and in theory the chances of getting a responsive email from Ex should be 80x greater than from a kid on semester break]   Yes you should email them, too.  But I promised to keep her in the loop and that's what I need to do.  We have the business of paying for college and expenses, I don't need you guys in the middle feeling like you're asking for something we didn't commit to.**  We made a legal commitment to get you through college and we will have to discuss that directly  - not through you."
Son:  Wow.  Ok.  I didn't know all this.
ME;  of course you didn't because I have tried to keep you out of the uncomfortable middle.
Son:  thanks.

So Yes 6 years later, he still plays the martyr.  He still puts the kids in the middle.  At least they are older now - technically adults - and yes they can and should have more responsibility in decision making and finances and "adult" things.  That doesn't mean their father can't communicate with me - especially when asked.

Like last night when I emailed, "What time exactly is daughter's surgery tomorrow?  And please call me the minute she's awake"

response - you guessed it - nothing.  I'm sure he would think in his small little head, "Why doesn't she ask Daughter."  well, I did, of course, and of course being Daughter, she didn't really know.  "Denial" she kept saying.

Email this morning from me. "WHAT TIME IS THE SURGERY.  All Daughter knew was she had to be up early.  What time is the surgery.  Please respond."

Finally an hour later (two hours after I knew they left for the hospital) he tells me "they just took her back.  Should be about an hour."

gee thanks.

And yes she is home, awake, recovering.  Thanks Son for letting me know.

**And another note, yes any time money comes up, Ex plays the "poor me" card despite the fact that he makes more money than I do, owns a bigger house, etc.  Which is precisely why I try to deal directly with him and not through the kids.  They don't need any more guilt thrown on them than he already manages.

And I would change....nothing.

The holidays were crazy, let's just say.  Lots of people, lots and lots and lots of food, some of which decided to take up permanent residence in my already growing hips.  Way too much alcohol.  I do like the chaos of my family, the singing, the games, the noise.

But I am glad to have the peace and quiet of our house back.  Just me and the Captain.

So today for some reason as I'm driving to work, I thought, "What would I change about the Captain if I could?"

And the answer?

Nothing.

Is he "perfect"? - for me, yes.  Does he have faults?  Of course, but they are what make him so adorable, so The Captain.

And that made me smile, all the rest of the day.

Ironically, Son called to chat midday.  Forget that I have a job and that after 2 weeks of sleeping everyone realized they needed me NOW.  Of course I put it all aside to talk to him.  And we got to talking about his Girlfriend (GF).  She is gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, sweet, quick witted.  But .... but she is very, very quiet and not at all who I ever envisioned for him.  And he recognizes the things in her he would like to change.  (although he knows he cannot).  And that's when I told him....I'd change nothing about the Captain.  Not that he should give up on GF.  There are events in her life that apparently caused her to go from more outgoing person to this shy person.  But he should remember what he wants, what's important, and he should know that 1) he can't change her; 2) there is a person out there for him that he'll look at and say, "I wouldn't change a thing." 

Perhaps GF is his ultimate perfection. If she isn't, I hope he doesn't sell himself (and her) short.

Because finding the person you would not change one bit?  Priceless.

Another Other Side of a Year

Once upon a Blog I posted THIS.  Indeed a year and a half ago I wondered about things like this:

  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

Most of that post was about the kids - how they had changed after a year of college - their bonds, our bonds.  And I was contemplating the big move to Florida - would we survive as a family unit?

Now I am at the other side of a year and I think perhaps some of you are wondering how things are going. (Thank you Chitown Girl for hanging in there and checking in, even when I didn't respond....)


A little over a year ago when we all started contemplating Christmas plans for 2011, I was again stressing, terrified, stewing.  OK OK I was overanalyizing and obsessing (happy mom?!).  Would the kids feel comfortable in the "new" house?  How would they do when the Captain's kids came for Christmas?  How would they intermingle with the Captain's family?  Would it feel like Christmas?  Would they come....and would they ever come back.

I wrote the kids both a long email about the upcoming holidays 2011.  I laid it all out for them - how I felt about them, how important they were, but how I had to get on with my life, too.

They responded in a way that shocked me, but honestly it should not have.  They responded with love, with caring, and with a little bit of the Family Sarcasm, "Really mom?  You stress too much.  We love you.  We love the Captain.  It's all good."

The holidays were wonderful.  We took them sailing for New Year's Eve and Son, who has been sailing since 2 years old said, "This is the BEST sailing ever!"  Yes, the Captain is a bit more of a free spirit on the boat than my old family and I have to say, sailing is a lot of fun.

Spring break came, and so did the kids.  Lots of them.  Our tiny 3 bedroom beach house had 8 college kids (well mostly just 6, but one night we had some extras).  They shared one bathroom, did the towels, did the grocery shopping, shaped up one night when I ranted about the mess I was tired of coming home to after a long day at work, and generally we had a BLAST.

 

Fast forward to summer and where did Daughter opt to live?  In Sunny Florida with me!  Yes it was hard for her - her friends were in MD, she was lonely.  But she got a great job, her friends came to visit, we had a blow out week(s) of celebration when her brother, his girlfriend, and his best friend came for almost 2 weeks right before she went to spend the semester abroad.

 

Son then opted NOT to go back to school.  And where does he live?  Why right here with me in sunny Florida!  Yes he is bored many times.  But he found a job, has saved a signficant amount of money (no one to go play and party with!) and he has gotten his stuff together to go study abroad next semester just like Sister!!

 

This year the holidays again are at my house.  Their dad is a bit of a Grinch so they say.  And this year Son declared, "this Christmas is going to be the best ever.  It won't be all, 'Hey nice house Captain and nice to meet your son,' it will be 'Hey Forr Good to see you again I missed you!' and jokes and shopping with the Captain.  Great times mom!" 

 

Just days after Christmas, Daughter and Son will leave for dad's house.  I will see Daughter sometime in January to deliver the car she uses (she flies to his house, he drives her to school).  I will see Daughter in the spring for the annual Bridge Run.  Son will be off to Spain and I'm not sure when I'll see him.  They have both decided to take summer classes - he to catch up, she to add a couple more languages to her life (4 is not enough?!). 

 

The old me would have sweated the future, "When will I see them again?  Do they love me?  Do they regret this move?"  The new me knows unequivocally that my children and I share a very special, very strong bond.  We will weather any storm together.  And even if they live 1/2 way around the world, our hearts will always be together.

 

Yes indeed the other side of another year is looking very bright.

 

The Other Side of a Year

It seems like just yesterday we were saying goodbye.

Somehow I find myself back home with two kids and Chaos (not complaining!) and wondering where the year has gone.

Some striking changes: 

• Son's maturity.  Suddenly he is putting others first.  On his first full day home, he mowed both lawns (without being asked) and completed numerous other tasks.  His attention to detail and initiative is amazing.  He has always been good about helping around the house, but this was pretty amazing.
• Daughter's Diligence:  She has always been pretty organized - when she was about 7 she handed me a list one month before her birthday of people to invite, games to play, and food to serve.  But she has demonstrated a diligence to her school work and building her resume that I have never before witnessed.  Her grade point average is astounding to say the least, never mind the volunteering at the Humane Society and other volunteer activities.
• Twin Love:  I wondered how they would be separated by many miles and many hours.  When they lived home, Son was a clinger, Daughter a Loner.  Turns out they skyped/texted/called each other at least daily.  When one was in crisis, the immediate call was to the Other.  I had hoped this day would come - they sometimes did it in high school, but not often.  I am thrilled they truly love and care about each other so much.  I figured they had it in them, but I'm so happy to see it proved out.
• Children as Friends:  This is a tough one - I have always enjoyed doing activities with them, but as the parent you have to maintain the "responsible, authority figure."  The fact is, they've been away at school for a year, making decisions, staying out all night, "probably" doing slightly unlawful things.  They are not going to return home to the midnight curfew and choir boy lifestyle (ha ha I know they weren't choir boys in high school, but honestly they were pretty close).  I am trying to walk that balance of the new reality with "but you're in my house now."  This conflict of The College Student Returns Home is the Number One thing I've always heard college kids AND parents complain about - so far it is working for us - and I am LOVING hanging out with them even more!

Big changes are on the horizon, but I still can't share in the public forum yet.  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

When Chaos = Peace

Are you sick of hearing about my kids yet?

too bad

The other night I was surrounded by total chaos. 

It started when my cousin DF, who travels for his job, said he'd be in my area.  I love it when he can stop by, so of course I said YES. 

Then it turned out Daughter would be home.  YEAH

Then it turned out Daughter invited a couple friends to sleep over because they were going to get up Friday and drive to UDel to visit another friend.  Of course I said YES!
 
Then Daughter informed me her college friend/roommate and her sister would be in town and gee could they come by.  And sleep over.  YES!

Daughter volunteered to make dinner.  Daughter has had a few kitchen disasters in the past, but she keeps trying.  I left her with my recipe for Chicken Marsala (her favorite) which isn't totally hard but not exactly easy.  I wrote out three or four additional tidbits and tips for getting it right.  And said a prayer.  And left her an easy baked ziti recipe for her veggie friends.  I left her the credit card to go grocery shopping and asked her to make up every bed she could find. 

And I went to work.

I called at 1pm to see how things were going - friends were supposed to start coming around 3. 

She was asleep.  Napping.  Hadn't done a thing yet.  KIDS!

I got home at 6, dinner was to be at 7.  Various kids were around, helping to set the table.  Dinner was done and in the fridge waiting for a warm up.  Then she had to disappear to the metro to get yet another child.

As we called everyone to dinner, SON showed up from college!!!!  A few hours early!!  YES!!!  There was tackling on the front lawn and hoots and hollers.  And a big hug for Mama.

Then Tor Tor, high school buddy, showed up (angry with me about the For Sale sign, another story).  YES!

Not sure how many we ended up with.  The first dinner shift was 10.  Stragglers came and went all night.

After dinner, DF surprised me with my remade wedding quilt (that needs a post all its own!!)  Yes of course I cried.  duh.

Son played the piano and kids attempted to swing dance before heading to the basement for scary movies.

At about 11pm DF and I took on two of the kids in a mean game of monopoly.  All kinds of crazy rules from our childhoods - but we still managed to lose!

YES IT WAS TOTAL CHAOS - AND MY HEART FELT SUCH PEACE!!!


At 1pm, I finally had to say goodnight to DF and sadly go to BED!

5:30 am came early.  Too early.  So I went back to bed until 6 which meant scrambling to get out the door. 

It was all so worth it.  I discovered yet another kid in yet another bed that I didn't know was sleeping over.  And smiled.

The house was reasonably in tact when I got home Friday night.  And deathly quiet. Yuck.

I am so looking forward to this summer!!!!

A New Kind of Pain

When they were 2 weeks old and the doctor gave them their first shots, my heart broke to hear them scream, but I knew it was ultimately "good" for them.  I gave them Tylenol, held them close, and soothed them until the tears stopped.

When they first started toddling and fell down and skinned a knee or bumped their head, my heart hurt a little at their pain, but I knew they were learning and growing in a necessary way.  I kissed the boo-boo and cheered their new accomplishment until they clapped instead of cried.

When Son ran down the slide at 3 years old and broke his femur and spent a month in a hospital in Barcelona, I thought my heart would never recover.  Every pain he felt, I felt.  Every x-ray, every bad hospital meal, every shot, tore at my heart.  I wanted to be the one with the broken leg.  I held him, brought him games and books, and with the huge loving support of family, we made sure he had adult family attention 24/7. 

When they came home from school crying because So-And-So said they were ugly/stupid/dumb/boring and wouldn't play with them, my heart broke at their pain.  I held them and talked to them about how sometimes people say things that aren't nice.  I helped them learn to cope with the rejection and to learn from it so that they could be nice to others and not hurt others like they were hurting.

Through the stitches, the illnesses, the wisdom teeth, the rejections, the braces, the shots, the bumps and bruises, my heart broke a little each time they were hurt.  Usually I could gather them up in my arms, sooth away the pain, and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Little did I know that the first broken heart would break my heart almost in two.

When Daughter called Sunday night in tears over her recent breakup, I felt paralyzed.  She was 550 miles away, it was Sunday night, I had to work the next day, I'd be down there in a week (as previously planned) to bring her home for the summer.

None of that mattered.

What mattered was my Daughter was sobbing, broken-hearted, and alone.  550 long miles away.  And I couldn't get there.

And my heart broke.

I tried to think of the right things to say - to acknowledge the pain, to acknowledge the Boy's mistake, to lift her up reminding her what a FABULOUS person she is, and to tell her that yes, it sucks today, but tomorrow will be a little better.  And the next day a little better than that one.

And when she said, "But what do I DO mom?  How do I handle this?  I wish you could be here right now."  My heart stopped for a second.  I wanted to hop a plane, gather her in my arms, and sooth her aching heart.  Then I remembered, this is part of her growng up.  Just like the skinned knees and the braces.  I congratulated her on her maturity at seeing the breakup for what it was.  I reminded her she's loved beyond all belief.  I told her I'd be there in a week and it would all be good.  I suggested she surround herself with friends, keep busy, eat healthy, and try not to think about him every 37 seconds.

Then I hung up the phone and cried like a baby.  For my baby.

Monday, I sent her flowers reminding her that I love her Bunches and Bunches.

Who knew her heart break would break mine, too?

Dealing with the Hater

Ex still hates me, will always hate me, has a twisted version of the past and sent me a long letter a couple years ago about why he hates me. Actually, I understand his misperception and his feelings. I didn't say I agree with them, but I understand them.

So what's the problem?


Daughter is royally PO'd at her father for his hatred. She is hurt. She wanted me to go to Thanksgiving with them - and I would have been invited by my former Sister-in-Law, but Ex graciously said I could "celebrate another day." Daughter knows this. Daughter is angry, confused, hurt, annoyed, and feeling uncomfortable.

My challenge is dealing with all these feelings in the best interests of my kids. Part of me wants to scream out, "He is a JERK! An unfeeling, ego-centric, maniacal, narrow-minded BASTARD and you should hate him!" no no no no no that would be very bad for Daughter. And for me.

Instead I keep telling Daughter that Ex loves her and that's all that matters. Lately I had to swallow an even bigger one. When talking about Thanksgiving with Daughter, I said, "I understand Ex. I understand who he is, how he feels, and the way he is about relationships. I know that once he makes up his mind about someone, he will cut them off forever and never forgive them. That is just the way he is. You can't change that. I can't change that. So you have to accept that he's got it in his mind that I did something evil to him, and right or wrong, that's where he is. We will never be friends. He will never want me in the same room with him."

Daughter didn't like that answer. But it's the truth. I have prayed for him to have an epiphany for years. It ain't gonna happen...

Then I jokingly threw out there, "Maybe he thinks you're going to have two weddings?!" To which Daughter angrily replied, "NO F*ING WAY - UNLESS HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR BOTH OF THEM."

I think I'm taking the right path with this. She needs to love him, warts and all. Even if he didn't get her anything for her birthday....(I told her he didn't get her anything "yet" - he's a late kind of birthday-gift-buyer). She has to come to her own Truth about him, without my jaded opinions. I do try to give her strategies for dealing with him. E.G.: she says he never remembers anything she tells him and therefore he doesn't care. I tell her he has short term memory issues and therefore she needs to email/text him every little thing so that he can remember it.

He's not a terrible person. I think she needs him in her life. And I think as her mom I need to encourage what I think is best for her -and what's best is to love her Dad and try to improve that relationship.

Sometimes I wish I were that horrible, selfish, self-centered Biotch he thinks I am, because then I could really have some fun with this....

Balancing Act

The kids are in college - they are adults and yet, they are my babies.



Still trying to find that middle ground where it all balances out. I am working on it, yet I can't seem to find it. Have you found it?



For example, I went to see Daughter at school for Parents' Weekend. We had so much fun. It was great to see her in her environment - walking down the street calling out to pals, shopping and finding things for her, talking about her dorm, boys, food, parties. Parties. Listening as she shared with me in honesty what she was doing on the weekends. Trying hard to find the Balance - not condoning but not condemning. So hard to find that middle ground.



Then meeting the Boyfriend. He is sweet. He is well mannered. He is spiritual and thoughtful. He has a few (physical) characteristics I find unusual, but my Daughter accepts him. So I keep my mouth shut and find the Balance.



Son finally calls me -it has been over a week. I know something is up, but he hasn't told me. Finally he tells me - he dropped a class. A required class. I pause and swallow my instant response, "WHAT THE F* R U THINKING?" And chill out to the point where I can ask him, "Did you consult your advisors? Did you evaluate what this means for next semester? Do you have a plan to attack this subject differently next time?" Turns out he didn't ask me OR Dad before dropping - he just dropped. And he hasn't told Dad yet. Striking the balance - I am paying the bills, he must do the work. Wondering if he thinks I am condoning this? Or does he get it that this is so not cool?



Striking the balance. Letting go while still holding on.



And I still miss them so much, every day, I would give anything to have that Do Over.

Apparently, I did something Right

Friday in the mail I received perhaps one of the sweetest, most thoughtful, most important gifts of my life: a letter from my daughter.

She wrote me a poem about the things I mean to her and have done for her. She included an envelope decorated with her poem. The last line of the poem said, "Thank you for....." with instructions that if I ever doubted that I am "the best," I am to reach inside and grab a reminder.

Inside are many (a hundred? more?) little strips of paper that say things like, "For setting the microwave timer for 30 minutes." [that's how long they had to practice piano, whether they wanted to or not. They both LOVE to play now and are thankful for my dictatorship on that point.] Some points are recent memories, "For the multiple trips to Target to make sure my dorm room is just right." Others are distant memories or things I had even forgotten. There are general ones and specific ones, funny ones and thoughtful ones. I have resisted the urge to sit down and read them all at once. Instead I will attempt to savor her gift and reach in the bag when I'm feeling less than my best.

And of course I'll only reach in when it's safe to cry. Because this gift? Brings tears to my eyes.

Apparently, I did something right. And I give all the credit to God for the wonderful gift that is her. I know I don't deserve her, but I do thank Him for her (and my Son) every day of my life.

Oh and? I'm totally stealing this idea....


FYI this wasn't a random mailing - it was part of my birthday gift.

The Momentus Move

She packed her bags last night pre flight...zero hour nine am...(that's elton john for you who are lost)

Last first day of school photo or something like that...hugging the doggies goodbye....

Many hours later, arriving at school number 1.. in the rain

Au takes charge and starts unpacking

Getting the loft in place and all the pieces put together....

saying goodbye and trying not to cry

And now college #2.....what a nice bed!

Psyche this is the boss's house at the beach...

the little room overlooking the marsh........

a long day of travel means we need to relax at the beach...so warm like bath water

alas time to move in..."Mom stop taking photos and carry the stuff!!"

Here's my door - can I open it....

We've dumped the stuff...now to organize it...

Sammy is the best friend ever - drove 1400 miles and moved us both in~!

Last hug for a couple months....have fun baby!!!!!!

Calling a Do Over

When we were kids we played tons of games. we had neighborhood baseball teams (no coach just kids), played soccer, bike races, you name it. When something was too close to call, we simply called for a "do-over." Or sometimes someone wasn't quite ready and called a do over. You couldn't abuse it or you were ignored. But most of us chose wisely and saved it for a really important moment.

I'd like to call a do-over.

Now lest you think I'm a whiner I'd like to say this is the first "do over" call in 18 years. For the record I have embraced every milestone, every accomplishment, every new school, new teacher, new friend.

But I'm just not ready to let go.

So I'd like a do over. Not the whole 18 years. Just the last one. That senior year was awesome.

So God, I'm calling a Do-over. Please?

Fragile Teens

They walk like kings and queens, relishing their soon-to-be freedom. They soak up the compliments on their achievements, seemingly ready to conquer their new school, make new friends, climb to the top of the hill again. They make friends quickly at orientation, figure out how to switch classes before I have even figured out how to read their schedule, confidently take you across the maze of campus to the next session, whiz through BB&B choosing sheets, comforters, message boards, organizational tools. You hold back the tears and the sadness and embrace their new selves. You cheer them on and hope you don't miss them too much.

Until they stand in the kitchen at midnight, crying and telling you how much college is going to suck. How they don't want to leave their friends, their past, their buddies. How they cannot possibly face these challenging new classes, live in a 12 x 12 "cage" and succeed at anything. It is all overwhelming.

And you want to shrink them down to a 5YO size, put them in your lap, cuddle them like you did before they went off to kindergarten, and tell them that it will all be ok. And you'll always be here for them. That life is full of choices and this is but one. If it works out, it will be great. And if this choice doesn't work out, another will come along, and that will be great.

Instead you hug them, cry with them, point out the benefits of going to college now with Facebook and Skyping and cell phones, not like I did, I had to WRITE SNAIL MAIL every single day to my best friend. I couldn't afford to call him. [this was unfathomable to the Teen] And I missed him like someone had cut off my right hand. But I did make new friends - friends I have kept for 25 years, even after moving around the world and back. You try to explain that their life is a big pot of mixing in ingredients, simmering the old, adding the new, making this great creation, growing this wonderful person. You admit it is scary and a little bit sad, but mostly an awesome opportunity.

And you send them to bed with hugs and reassurances, and then cry yourself to sleep wondering if you have done the right thing, given them the right tools, loved them enough so that they will know they can ALWAYS come home to Mama.

The Trip

I just spent 48 hours with the Ex. We went to dinner and out drinking together. We spent the night together alone in a hotel room. Yes you read that right.

No you didn't miss any posts. Our "relationship" remains pretty much as it was.

So what could possess him to spend so much time with me?

Son is going to college and it was freshman orientation. Son's college is 5 or so hours away. We both agreed it would be stupid to drive 2 cars. Then he suggested - yes him - that it would be wasteful to get 2 rooms. Money is tight + we're facing double college, so I agreed. Call me desperate for civility.

The week leading up to the trip was frustrating to say the least. The day before we left he finally sent me an email about the trip + wanted to leave around 3. I told him I had a hearing at 2 and likely couldn't go til later but wasn't sure. I offered to call/text when I got out, but he said no. So when my hearing was a mere 20 minutes and I got home by 3:30 he was still an hour away at his job. He didn't think I'd be home then. Oh well. He doesn't want to communicate, I won't.

So we weren't starting well.

I sat in the back of his little BMW, silently reading and working.

Son stayed with us in the hotel the first night, a buffer. We were polite.

The next morning we went to school. I had been apprehensive about Son's choice. Tech is HUGE. Too big for Son, even if he is in the honors program with "only" 500 kids. But orientation changed all that. The meetings were multimedia extravaganzas. The school is totally organized, offers more assistance and services than I could ever fathom. The dean of the honors program is as human and approachable as he is brilliant. Wow.

Son was so excited - they pumped him up and then took him away. The honors program makes all decisions his, they talk to him, just telling us (separately) what they told him.

Thursday night we dropped Son off at the dorm at 5pm for the night and then...we were on our own.

Did I tell you this is Ex's Alma mater?

So Ex took me on a walking tour of the campus. I couldn't stop saying, "Wow! Awesome! Gorgeous!" The school is breathtaking, dynamic, fabulous. I hadn't been there in about 20 years, and I don't think I ever really had a tour. Ex was very accommodating, cheery, talkative, informative. It was so weird, but nice.

Then I realized we were not really talking. He was sharing his vast knowledge of the place, enjoying his walk through time. I told him I appreciated the tour and making me feel better about Son's choice. He said he was happy to do so. But any "conversation" beyond that didn't happen. I tried. Nope.

After the 2 hour walking tour in 95 degrees, we headed to the alumni house for a parent reception. We were early and headed to the bar for a rum drink (or two) on an empty stomach. I thought we would talk. Nope. Couldn't get him to toast the success of our Son without twisting his arm. Oh well the bartender and I shared rum knowledge. Ex seemed perplexed with my new-found rum knowledge.

Then we went to the reception. We ended up sitting with 2 dads also sending sons to school. We shared angst, laughs and drinks. Finally I realized we needed food, so we headed downtown for dinner.

We shared sushi for dinner. Sushi. In our 20 years of marriage we Never. Ate. Sushi. Turns out we both love it, both discovering that After the D. Of course he opted to sit at the bar and eat rather than share a table. And talked to the guy next to him not me. Again No Matter - I made my own fun with the bartender and some other folks.

Then we went for "one last drink" at The Famous College Bar. We shared a table with a guy we had met at dinner. Again we didn't have to talk. I tried a couple times. But really we stopped talking years ago. Decades even.

It was so weird to be with him in so many ways. Honestly I'm used to being with the Captain and we talk about everything all the time nonstop. Hard stuff, silly stuff, it's all out there. We hold hands everywhere and kiss at red lights. I briefly forgot Ex doesn't talk about anything. He walks 5 paces ahead of me. He does not answer questions. We never held hands while married. Kissing to him was an obligatory 30 second prelude to what he really wanted. I don't miss any of that. I did miss the Captain. It would have been so much more fun.

Throughout the trip Ex was mostly cordial, as was I. But there were times His True Self came through (as, I'm sure, did mine). When he belittled me, ignored my requests, refused to discuss something, I simply ignored him and did things my own way. I refused to take his crap. When we were married, in the interest of "making peace" I took his crap all the time. Now, I don't have to. I didn't fight with him - indeed we both don't care enough about each other to fight any more. (think about that). No, instead whatever conflict was at issue I handled my way, ignoring him. The funny thing was, when I did that, he put aside his nasty self and turned back to the funny, accommodating tour guide. (he can be very, very funny). I wonder if I had been more forthright in our marriage, refusing to take his crap then, if perhaps we would still be together? Oh well, we shall never know. But I doubt it. And I have NO regrets - well almost none. I wish my kids' parents were still married. But I'm glad I'm not married if that makes sense.

The best part of the trip was the happy feeling I got walking around campus, going through buildings, seeing dorms, touring food places, walking by the duck pond, standing on the war memorial overlooking the drill field - and "seeing" Son everywhere, feeling him growing, learning and becoming a wonderful man there. It truly is the right place for him. I didn't get that feeling last summer when we toured New England schools where he insisted he wanted to go. Even when he thought he wanted to go to my Alma mater (ironic no?) I wasn't sure. I just couldn't see him there.

But now, he is embracing his triple legacy (grandfather, father and now Son - and Great Uncle) and he is poised on the verge of greatness. And that is all that matters.

Yes I Know Spring Arrived - a While Ago

My few faithful blogging buddies have cajoled me into changing my banner to spring. I admit I am relying on an old banner as - SURPRISE - I have not had time to garden, clean, do any of the things I would like to do! Yes I am working full time now, travelling too much for work, and picking up stomach flu's on the way home from travelling too much for work. Which means I am behind on my work. Which means I should be working not blogging. Anyway...

We are less than a month from D-DAY. Or should I say G-Day - Graduation day. I know it's "only high school," but this is a huge deal for me. Yes I said for me. OK OK it's huge for them, too, but they won't realize it for, oh, 25 years. My babies are leaving, going off to great schools to do great things and someday have a great job and be totally self sufficient so that I can go tend bar in the Caribbean and not have to support anyone but myself.

But for now, they are just leaving. And I am going to miss them. And I feel some [probably silly] burning desire to make this send off as excellent as I can. I refrained from saying "perfect." Nothing is ever perfect. But family, friends, a cool cake, some good food, music, a slide show, a repainted kitchen, repainted hall, repainted bedroom, cleaned windows, uncluttered closets, weeded gardens, new flowers, seeded grass, new college-themed dog collars, cleaned carpets, that's all it will take to pull off graduation weekend.

What? Think there are a few extra things in there maybe? I am the kind of person who needs an "EVENT" to make the chores of life happen. Son's room has needed painting for a YEAR and has been spackled awaiting paint for A YEAR. The painters come tomorrow....

You get the picture.

Anyone else out there need an EVENT to get the ball rolling on household projects??

Oh right - I almost forgot to add to the list "Buy 100 boxes of Kleenex." I'm not the only crier in the family...

When a Friend Isn't a Friend and It's time to Tell Her

I have had this Friend. We've known each other for years, starting about 10 years ago in Sunday School. Friend always seemed to be in the midst of a calamity - financially oriented. She's sweet and nice and well educated, but something about her, something about her life, invites financial disaster.

About 4 years ago she came to me in despair, asking for a "loan" if I could just spare it. She laid the guilt trip on me, too, because I am comfortable financially although not without my share of bills. But I have been blessed never to wonder how I could possibly pay the mortgage/rent. At the time I was married and so had that extra layer of financial support. So I wrote her a check. And not a small one. She assured me it was a "loan" and that when she got on her feet, she'd pay it back. I never expected to see it again.

About a year later she came to me again. Again in despair. Again begging for help. Again I wrote her a check - smaller this time, but still enough for her rent. I was still married and Ex had a cow. I told him it would be the last time.

After the divorce, she came to me again. I said No. I said I had my own difficulties and now I as a single parent and No. She was relentless - showing up at my office, calling me, telling me how outrageous it was and not her fault that she ended up in this situation. She showed up at my church where I was teaching Sunday School under the guise of "I've always wanted to come to your church" but after class she just wanted a check. Her situation was a mess. And so, I rented her a car (she had an accident and totaled hers, her fault, and no collision insurance). Without a car she couldn't work. Without work she couldn't pay the rent. 1 week of rental was all I gave her. And I demanded that we sit down with her bills and her finances and talk about budgeting and how to get her out of her situation. I do have financial training and thought that rather than just write her a check, I could help her with my other skills. She was very angry and didn't want to talk about it. I insisted but we didn't get very far.

OH and by the way, did I hear from her in between? No. Not really. I was busy and didn't care if I'm being totally honest. But it got to the point where if I saw her number pop up (thank GOD for caller ID) or got an email or a voice mail at work, I avoided it.

Last month it started again - she called under the guise of "How are you?" And I laid it on thickly - all the financial struggles, the pay cuts at work, the layoffs, impending college bills, possible home repairs because of the monster storm. On and on. Of course she was really calling for money and I fortunately gave her the impression that I couldn't possibly give her money. Then this week she called again - not intent to leave a message, but texting, calling, urgently tracking me. It wasn't enough for me to tell her I was busy and couldn't talk.

Finally today I called her back when I had 5 minutes - literally 5 minutes between calls - to let her know I had no money for her. And I told her, "The only time you call me is for money. That's a one way relationship that can't continue." Boy did I get the wrath of God thrown at me - she challenged me to "Find that in the Bible." And I said, "Find what - the fact that you only call me when you want something? I don't think that's going to be in the Bible." She said, "All the other people don't accuse me of this" and I said, "Maybe you give them more time and attention than you do me, or maybe they are just afraid to speak the truth." She tried to tell me that "this" was not in my heart. I said, "You don't know what's in my heart or my head so don't try to tell me what is there."

Plus? I'm out of town and going to be out of town until the 12th - how can I write you a check? She had the nerve to tell me I could wire the money to her!!!!

She said I was "pretending to be too busy to talk to her." I said, "WHAT? You don't think I work 60 hours a week, am a single parent, am dealing with my own strife? You don't think I was in a restaurant having Lunch yesterday with my Daughter, taking time out of a hectic travel/college visit when you called? You don't think I was in a Meeting with Big Potential Client today when you texted me? You don't think I'm on a train right now and have a conference call in 5 minutes?!!" The NERVE.

It was hard. This is a person who I don't think is a "bad" or "evil" person. I think she has incredible strings of bad luck. I do think she is a person of Great Faith. I don't know why all these things happen to her. But I did decide that although God does ask us to help each other out, that there comes a time when I get to decide (not her) if I should help her. And somehow helping her hasn't helped her. Once she demanded that I "had" to pay for her Real Estate license so that she could supplement her income. I told her 1) a real estate license is a bad idea right now [about 2 years ago right before the house/mortgage crash] 2)I don't HAVE to provide such things for her - I'm still paying off my own law school debt 3) if she thinks it's such a great idea, get a night job at McDonald's, save the $600 in a month and get the license herself!!

It was hard to tell her No. It was harder to say, "This is a one way friendship and I'm out." It is harder to wonder if perhaps God does expect me to take care of her. I don't know. There is a lot in the Bible about "whatsoever you do for the least of my Brother, that you do unto me." My own family has serious financial struggles but no one has asked me to pay their rent or demanded I buy things for them. Perhaps she is in more serious and desperate straights than they are. But something about this is telling me, "Enough is enough."

Is it Guilt telling me I'm wrong? Or just that I have lived my life as a Pleaser and let people manipulate me? I don't know....

I do know that my own 17 year old Daughter said (yesterday), "Mom this is a 1 way relationship - you need to tell her about the 4 kinds of relationships and tell her that when 1 person is doing all the giving, that's not a healthy relationship." Wow. out of the Mouths of Babes.

Secret Momentary Delights

Some random happenings lately that have made me smile.

1. Talking to opposing counsel in Court, apologizing for my coughing, feverish sickness transmitted by kids. She says, "OH I bet you're in those daycare years, huh?" And I say, "No they are twin 17 YO's." And her look of shock.

2. Sitting in the car in the parking lot awaiting the start of Son's Rugby game b/c it's freaking freezing outside so we're waiting til the last possible second, "talking" with the Captain, and Ex walks up to the Car, right as I'm kissing the Captain.... (I didn't promise not to be a little snarky)

3. Standing in front of the Court seemingly between a rock and a hard place, when suddenly "the Spin" hits you and you're on solid footing again.

4. Your teenagers "demanding" that you go to your Parents' house for Easter - a 6 hour drive - because they miss them.

5. Your 17 YO senior announcing she has Straight A's - despite the fact that she has already been accepted to all colleges, has received a scholarship and by all rights should have a major case of senior-itis by now but that hasn't yet dawned on her.

6. Your 17 YO Daughter and Son letting down all reservations and teaching the Captain to play Kaluki (Jamaican cards) on a Friday night, complete with insults, giggles, and down right mean card playing, showing his acceptance. Finally. (Two-fer - your teenagers playing cards with you on Friday night!)

7. Your Daughter admitting she isn't very good at breaking up with her boyfriend - and you laugh together because apparently - with the Captain here for the weekend - you have the same "problem."

8. Putting the top down on the convertible in early March.

9. Sticking to your LOSE IT "iTouch" apps diet for a whole week and actually losing weight.

10. Realizing you are within 4 weeks of your Jamaican Vacation.

11. Finally finally finally teaching Stinky Butt to roll over!!!

Ridiculously Happy

It started as an idea two years ago as Daughter, Son and I spent spring break skiing in Vermont. Daughter said, "Whose Idea Was it to go SKIING for SPRING BREAK??!! BRRRRRR What were we THINKING?!"

And I said, "OK Senior Year I have you again for Spring Break. We'll go to the Caribbean."

It was a nice dream.

Then finances and college bills and the market crashed.

And layoffs at work, and salary cuts, and no raises.

But then, the tide started to turn back a little. I bumped myself to Full Time, the firm said some of us "might" get a raise, and quite frankly, I just said, "What's a little more money. They're leaving me in September!"

And so, WE ARE GOING TO JAMAICA! I am so ridiculously happy and excited. The kids helped me surf the web and look at dozens of resorts in many different countries. The trick? Finding a room for 5.

5?

Yeah, Me, the kids, and two of their friends. Because that would be more fun than just us.

And they each found a friend who could afford to come (they have to pay for their own ticket, although I'll pick up stuff in Jamaica).

Saturday night, we narrowed it down to the Right Place. Sunday I made the call.

We're locked and loaded. Praying for good health and good weather.

So ridiculously excited.

Oh and no, mom's not bringing a Friend. At least, that's not the current plan. Daughter did ask if the Captain was coming- she invited him along. That's another shocking post for another day. We're floating the idea, but both of us (the Captain and me) think that maybe it would be better to be just me and the kids. We're exploring the option and the kids' true feelings on that. Truthfully, it would be nice to have a guy along to keep tabs on the boys. The Captain is much savvier than I when it comes to certain things. But it might add a twinge of awkwardness. oh well, we'll sort that out another day.

Jamaica here we come.

First step - DIET!!!!

Woot!

And Then BANG IT was 2010

I had all good intentions of posting our family christmas poem (yes I send one of those as a Christmas Card) and then I had all kinds of cool stories to tell about Christmas eve and Christmas morning, but first I had to jump on a plane to go to warm, sunny, beautiful Florida to be with the Captain. So blogging Had to Wait.

And then we went to the Captain's Mom's for the weekend - I had only met her once before - and we enjoyed an awesome weekend of cooking, shopping, and playing Dominoes (the lady is a rum-sipping Card Shark I tell you!). So Blogging Had to Wait.

Then I was just hanging out thinking about beaches and sunshine and thinking about Blogging. Foolishly I thought I had time to Blog. So Blogging Had to Wait.

Then BAM one of my dormant cases explodes. Fortunately or unfortunately, the client was just 20 miles from the Captain's house, so I was able to spend my vacation days at the client's preparing for a hearing and drove home each night to the Captain, a glass of wine, and dinner. So Blogging Had to Wait.

New Year's Eve in Miami? Well let's just say it doesn't suck. 80 degrees, shorts, sailing to Bayshore to watch fireworks, too much champagne, lots of good friends and good food. So Blogging Had to Wait.

I spent New Year's Day .... Not blogging. Drafting a brief for this case. So Blogging had to wait.

And every day since, I have worked my butt off on the case. Yep, you got it. So Blogging Has to Wait.

I am back to work full time now. Meaning I actually get paid full time for the work I've been doing for 5 years but being paid part time. The switch is now I have the pressure of having to bill 1900+ hours and then there are 300 + hours of required non-billables (you know, marketing, professional development, pro bono). I have a feel? Blogging Will Have to Wait.

Happy New Year to All my Blogging buddies. Blogging will likely be somewhat scarce in 2010. Or maybe it won't be - as this is THE YEAR THE KIDS GRADUATE. There have already been many exciting moments as the kids received their acceptances (and a rejection sadly) to the Universities. We're still waiting for more info, but I think Daughter is off to the College of Charleston! Woot! Son is very undecided, but going North to Snowboard and play Rugby somewhere. Maybe he'll even attend classes! There will be the Prom, a band trip to Canada, Graduation (GASP!) and lots of fun times I hope. We are blessed indeed.

Back to work for me! Yes it is 4 a.m. Sleep is apparently optional in 2010.

I know I know Like I Should Post

I should Post. Really I should Because this past week has been a lifetime of insanity. And so? I don't post.

First, last weekend (sept 11-13) was a joyful celebration with the Captain in Charleston of what? MY BIRTHDAY. once we FINALLY got there (delayed flights, weather, evil airlines and a DRIVE from Atlanta to charleston, go ahead google that one) well, it was great. I received my FIRST BLUE BOX. Blue box? why yes, Tiffanys. And the best thing? It wasn't some stupid beautiful bauble. It was an adorable meaningful bauble that captured something we do for each other everyday, every text, every email and that? Made it a THOUGHTFUL bauble. From Tiffanys. So I wear it every day. (OK it says "XOXO" on a heart locket bracelet figure it out)

AND I got to tour my daughter's future university. Because? College of Charleston is her first choice. Statistically she will get in. And so although she visited it with her dad, I wanted to see it for my self. And fell in love I did. Yes. So now I can see Daughter there. I briefly looked at real estate and thought about moving there myself. What a wonderful weekend.

Then Tuesday. Soccer. Indoor. a slow motion tragedy. Let's just say that I am wearing a brace, not walking well, sidelined for 6 weeks and hoping for no surgery.

Wednesday my birthday. a day of doctors and MRIs and not feeling very good. Kids making me breakfast in bed (I love them!) and dinner in bed (I hate my knee!) and lots of phone calls

Thursday I get sick from visiting the doctors offices. Thursday night i get a fever. and a cold and hate this birthday week.

Friday I wait for the kids to get home. I turn down offers of dancing (as if) and bands and all the things grown up Next Door Girl wants to do as wait for the kids to get home.;

So I should post. really I should. But my life? is boring. and sad.

Next week!

Excuse me, but I Have 21 more Days coming to me and I want them Dammit!

I know I know, we're greedy in June. June hits and I say, "Summer is here!" Even though officially I'm supposed to wait until June 22. (or something like that). Of course it helps the my kids are done with school at the end of May. So maybe I encroach on summer a bit in June. But seriously, it's only September 1st people and I have 21 more days of summer. So why did I wake up this morning to cold?? Summer means warm and warm is NOT 70's. Oh no. Warm is 80's - just feeling good around 85 and 90 is even better. So who flipped the darned switch 21 days early? Hmmmmmmmmm?

It's bad enough I had to go grocery shopping last night and actually plan and think about what we would eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love summer - summer with teenagers means calling them sometime after 9am to wake them up. Reminding them to eat something healthy (reminding them to just eat? oh that, they remember). Seeing if you can get a chore or two out of them. And dinner? Well, if they're home then we grill something out or grab some of this and some of that whenever we feel like it. No homework - at least not every night - and they're old enough to figure out those summer project due-dates. And then, if they're home, watching a movie or playing a game. [Why Yes, my teenagers do still play with me! When they're not mocking me....]

Yesterday's grocery trip was all "Breakfast: fruit, bacon[first day of school treat only], pancakes; Lunch: cheese, meat, bread, fruits, drinks, after school snack-on-the-go before cross country and healthy dinner" Takes all the fun out of grocery shopping when you have to be all organized and planning-like.

Tonight will be all "do you have your uniforms, and school supplies, and set your alarms and pack your cross country bags and go to bed early." Or maybe just maybe we'll go see that Summer movie we've been talking about and haven't yet seen, just one more night....

But the thermostat? It had better be back at 85, at least until after Labor Day! Please?!