Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dealing with the Hater

Ex still hates me, will always hate me, has a twisted version of the past and sent me a long letter a couple years ago about why he hates me. Actually, I understand his misperception and his feelings. I didn't say I agree with them, but I understand them.

So what's the problem?


Daughter is royally PO'd at her father for his hatred. She is hurt. She wanted me to go to Thanksgiving with them - and I would have been invited by my former Sister-in-Law, but Ex graciously said I could "celebrate another day." Daughter knows this. Daughter is angry, confused, hurt, annoyed, and feeling uncomfortable.

My challenge is dealing with all these feelings in the best interests of my kids. Part of me wants to scream out, "He is a JERK! An unfeeling, ego-centric, maniacal, narrow-minded BASTARD and you should hate him!" no no no no no that would be very bad for Daughter. And for me.

Instead I keep telling Daughter that Ex loves her and that's all that matters. Lately I had to swallow an even bigger one. When talking about Thanksgiving with Daughter, I said, "I understand Ex. I understand who he is, how he feels, and the way he is about relationships. I know that once he makes up his mind about someone, he will cut them off forever and never forgive them. That is just the way he is. You can't change that. I can't change that. So you have to accept that he's got it in his mind that I did something evil to him, and right or wrong, that's where he is. We will never be friends. He will never want me in the same room with him."

Daughter didn't like that answer. But it's the truth. I have prayed for him to have an epiphany for years. It ain't gonna happen...

Then I jokingly threw out there, "Maybe he thinks you're going to have two weddings?!" To which Daughter angrily replied, "NO F*ING WAY - UNLESS HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR BOTH OF THEM."

I think I'm taking the right path with this. She needs to love him, warts and all. Even if he didn't get her anything for her birthday....(I told her he didn't get her anything "yet" - he's a late kind of birthday-gift-buyer). She has to come to her own Truth about him, without my jaded opinions. I do try to give her strategies for dealing with him. E.G.: she says he never remembers anything she tells him and therefore he doesn't care. I tell her he has short term memory issues and therefore she needs to email/text him every little thing so that he can remember it.

He's not a terrible person. I think she needs him in her life. And I think as her mom I need to encourage what I think is best for her -and what's best is to love her Dad and try to improve that relationship.

Sometimes I wish I were that horrible, selfish, self-centered Biotch he thinks I am, because then I could really have some fun with this....

7 comments:

Kalynne Pudner said...

I think you are doing the right thing. Except maybe the part about telling Daughter that he will never change his opinion. 'Cause that makes it sound like you never change your opinion. What if you say, "He never HAS changed his opinion"?

Having neglected my Google reader for lo these many months, I'd forgotten how much I missed you!

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, you are a much better person and mom than I am. I'd be ripping that asshole to shreds!!!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It's never a mistake to take the high road--but, boy can it be hard!

Gigi said...

Good for you. I remember how my mother DIDN'T take the high road. That is even more uncomfortable. The thing is - children will grow up and figure out who their parents are by the actions and words that are presented to them over and over.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You certainly have paved out the 'high' road...whereas, he is working in a ditch. (LOL)
Keep being positive with the kids, he has to figure out his end of the deal....but may never.

Kacy said...

It's tough being the parent that has to try to say nice things about the other parent. It's also sad when our kids are old enough to figure out that is what we are doing. You are right to do what you are doing but I know how you feel. Hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful.

Cristy said...

I agree with the others, you've taken the high road and part of your kids growing up is them being adults. They will start to realize what's happened over the years on their own.