So today I'm in my "marketing committee" meeting. Rumor has it when "big firm" starts appointing you to committees, it's a good sign and you go. Besides someone in marketing has kick-butt taste in menus, and we get great free lunches. Lawyers are the cheapest ass bitches you will ever know and will do anything - anything for a free lunch. SO an hour with a bunch of folks I kind of like for chicken Caesar salad and all the diet cokes I can drink? count me IN.
Our monthly task: come up with a "checklist" for "responsible partners" who have farmed work for a client out to another practice group to help them improve the client relationship. HUH? Follow me now - it's not that hard:
Pretend you are a lawyer. OH COME ON it's not that bad. No no, you don't have to stick your head in your butt or chase an ambulance. You just have to pretend you are smart. I pretend every day. I am an expert pretender.
Now, you practice - let's say - "litigation" meaning, "Some bastard didn't pay me and I want to sue him." So you meet CEO from Company Toymaker and you help them sue some bastard. Then CEO of company toymaker says, "Hey I think we want to run this ad and maybe there are some issues with claims we're making - do you do marketing advertising law??" And you say, "No I don't, but my buddy Sam does...let me introduce you."
NOW you are the "responsible partner" getting paid to do.....nothing. Because your client - Toymaker - is working with another partner in your firm. And you get a piece of that pie. Even if you do nothing. Sweet.
Except you should keep tabs on Advertising Lawyer. Right?
But gee no one at Law Firm knows how to do that - keep tabs on lawyers from other groups. Enter marketing committee. Let's draft guidelines.
ARE YOU FRICKIN' KIDDING ME? It's called "communication" boys. O. M. G. I do this every day. I "cross market" with people all over the firm. Some people want daily updates. Some want to be copied on every email to the client. Some say, "Just tell me when it's over." ALL I DO IS ASK when the matter starts. Du-h.
And As my head was about to explode so I left the meeting early, after scarfing down my share of awesome chicken Caesar salad, I turned to the two FEMALE partners who were also escaping early, and said, "Was that just the biggest f'ing waste of an hour ever? Or am I naive? Is that, like, client management 101????" And they rolled their eyes and said, "Yeah, can we just talk maybe about the new dumb stationary marketing revised and leave the rest alone?"
And as I walked back to my office I realized something. The head-exploding lawyers? WOMEN. The people who stayed behind to discuss this conundrum? MEN.
They really do NOT know how to communicate. Whether Husbands. Ex's. Sons. Or Lawyers. They. Just. can't. Sigh.....