On getting married

Yep you read that right


The Girl Next Door,


the one who swore she would never marry again....


is getting married.


OF COURSE to the Captain, silly.


He gave me a sapphire so perfect (totally perfect)


and asked me to build something with him.


It took a little coaching, but I figured out he meant MARRIAGE.


9-5-15 at 5:15 pm


on our little private beach (pictured in the header).


Somehow we're cramming 90 people in that tiny space...what happened to the "20 people on a beach in shorts" thing we originally thought about?


He truly is the perfect boyfriend, the perfect fiancé, and headed towards the perfect husband.  I am richly blessed.


Daughter (heading off to law school in a few weeks!!!!!) as my maid of Honor.
Son (college graduate and gainfully employed!!!!!) AND Dada walking me down the aisle.
My mother being Matriarch and all that.


Sigh....what a difference since the first day of this blog, no?


I'd count my blessings, but they are too numerous.....

Forgiveness. For Real.

Remember this post about Saying Goodbye?  Well, that was a good start, but certain events lately have forced me to recognize that I'm still harboring bad feelings.

And I'm tired of that.

Daughter is graduating COLLEGE in a couple of weeks, and the "blended families" will meet for the first time.  Her father, per usual, will not reach out.  He is his same, obtuse self. 

I finally told Daughter she was going to have to deal with it, because I cannot.  I know she hates being "in the middle."  I know she hates the way he pretends I do not exist.  But she's 21 and has to deal with it - which she is doing beautifully.  Because?  She's awesome.

But deep down, I let him make me angry.  I get annoyed when he [finally] responds to my emails with the most minimalist reply possible.

Wait - make that I used to get annoyed.

Finally I sought guidance, and a wise woman has coached me with some awesome tidbits.

First, I am learning to "embrace consistency." He treats me consistently - as if I do not exist or with utter distain. GREAT! When I do have to ask him something, I KNOW how he will respond! I embrace that! If he were to be nice suddenly, that would be odd and throw me off!

Second,  I can't control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts that lead to bad feelings. So when he sends an email that would previously have annoyed me, I EMBRACE the consistency, laugh at it, then throw any thoughts leading to that email in the trash. I actually picture myself wadding it up and tossing it. 

Third,  I don't need his forgiveness - forgiveness is about the giving not the receiving. 

Fourth, with guidance from this quote, I can finally forgive him:

To forgive someone is to believe them to have been wrong and to let go of the moral leverage that our righteousness grants us over another. Forgiveness is renouncing the position of remaining superior. It is a leveling born of letting go.

With these simple steps I am looking forward to graduation without trepidation!  He will be there, being himself.  I will be there being myself.  The Captain will be by my side, thrilling in "our" daughter's achievements (for he truly loves her as his own - and she loves him dearly, too). 

It feels good to finally break free and truly forgive.

I am hopeful this will be the last you will ever hear of him.  I know this has been my place to rant, to question, to work things out.  I truly hope that at last I have moved past him and the baggage he carries.  I hope to be finally free.

Sad, Startling News

Heard today that an old college friend died.  He kept a blog, and it is painful to read his demise from throat cancer that spread like wildfire over his body.

I haven't talked to Chris, oh, in probably 10 years since our last reunion.  We were pretty good friends our freshman and sophomore years, then kind of went our separate ways after that.  We were always friendly, and it was great to see him and catch up at reunions.

And now?  He is gone.

That shouldn't be such an emotionally rocking event, but it is.

He was one of my first friends in college.  He was one of my first dates.  He was one of my first college kisses.  We never really dated - just that one time.  And just that one (delicious) kiss.  We discovered we were much better friends.  Actually, he looked like a Greek God and I didn't measure up.  No joke, our nickname for him was Zeus.  But he was much too kind to put it to me like that...

He was the quiet, peaceful kind of friend with the best sense of quiet humor.  I still have a hilarious poem that he and his best friend/roommate (also a good friend of mine for a time) wrote to me one year at Halloween.  (A Halloween poem?  Sure why not.  They were just funny like that). 

In reading his blog I see that he found a wonderful woman who loved him very much.  And they had a sweet little girl who now will grow up without a father.

I don't know if it hurts so badly because we lost touch and now I feel quilty that I didn't even know he was sick?  Or because he was such an important memory of my college days?  Or because I know he has left behind a family and group of friends who love him very much?  Or because the photos of him ravaged by cancer in his last days can't possibly be the vibrant man I knew?  Or because he was so young.  or maybe it's a little bit of everything.

He had just turned 48 last week.  48. 

Rest in Peace my friend. 

Creative Cooking - without a Kitchen

A few months ago I posted about how we bought a house and that it might need a little work....

A month ago (plus...) we got these delivered...

But we weren't really ready for them, with permitting and contracting and all, plus a little prep work to do...so my living room became a kitchen full of boxed cabinets.

After getting the sticker shock of our lives with what a contractor wanted just to install the cabinets and pull an electrical line or two, we regrouped.

Poured a glass of wine or three...

Then a friend (professional cabinet installer) said, "Hey why are you hiring someone?  If you'll do the prep, I will help you put those cabinets in."

DEAL.

So we started knocking down walls and stuff so the electrician could fix the wiring mess...
If he would just show up, which he didn't do for three weeks.  (insert exploding head here).

After about three months of planning and 6 weeks of "prepping," our kitchen looked something like this.

 

 Um remember us joking in August about how we "better have a kitchen by Thanksgiving?"  Turns out the joke is on me.  Now I'm PRAYING (and yelling and freaking and drinking gallons of wine stressing about) having a kitchen by mid-December when the hordes begin to arrive for the holidays.

Meanwhile, you can't eat out all the time, so the Captain and I have gotten creative.

Here's where we prep the food - who says you can't have a kitchbathroom?

What do you mean you don't have a refrigerator in your family room?  Works great - if we had TV we wouldn't have to walk far for a drink.  But alas we don't have TV (what?!)

And here's the Captain grilling in a rain storm with his headlamp.  Yum Grouper and veggies.

And after dinner where to wash the dishes?  Why the bathtub of course!

 

Yes, someday we will have these gorgeous countertops on which to prep and serve food:

 

 

Until then?  We will continue to step over boxes on our way to the kitchbathroom, fruitlessly dusting the drywall dust off of EVERYTHING, enjoying the new "Killz" colored highlights in my hair, and explaining to my colleagues that no I can't bring one of the Captain's awesome key lime pies to the party I have no kitchen.

 

Please pass the wine.

The NO SHOP Thanksgiving Challenge

I'm back so I must be really emotional about something.  This time?  THE GREED OF AMERICA AND SHOPPING ON THANKSGIVING!

Well, now you know how I feel about that.

Our country needs family time, thanksgiving time, time to share and be together.  We don't need small shops in malls forced to open for 26 hours straight whether or not they want to or have the manpower just because Macy's and Bob's and JCPenny said, "You Must Open."  If they don't?  $150/hour fine.  We don't need parents away from kids because they can't risk the job they need so desperately and the overtime they can't say NO to.

It would be different (MAYBE) if the stores like Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, Sears, KMart, Macy's, Bob's, JCPenny, Kohl's said "work if you want on Thanksgiving - no penalty if you don't!"  But they are not saying that.  I've heard from too many people who are forced to work and will be missing time with their families.

So what am I doing about it?

• Posting on this blog

• NOT SHOPPING on Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, Sears, KMart, Macy's, Bob's, JCPenny, Kohl's OR ANY OTHER STORE PERIOD.

• NOT SHOPPING AT ALL until maybe 2014 (or beyond?!) in those stores that are open on Thanksgiving.

• Posting lists on social media of those stores that are open.

• Posting lists on social media of those stores that are NOT open and encouraging people to shop there instead.  (Love you Costco and Bed Bath and Beyond!)

• Writing letters (emails where I can find them) to executives at stores that are open and letting them know they just lost all my business AND I am encouraging others to follow suit.

• Pleding to help those small stores pay their fines and STAY CLOSED on Thanksgiving and encouraging them to get out and get fundraising if needed to STAY CLOSED.

America, we need to take a stand.  And no this isn't akin to hospitals and such that are open.  I understand some things must be open - the Captain has worked MANY holidays including Thanksgiving and Christmas (he's on a medical team).  No, this is greed for greed's sake. 

And this Blog post "If you shop on thanksgiving you are part of the problem?  Says it all beautifully.

If this keeps just ONE person from shopping on Thanksgiving and helps boycott just ONE of the nasty stores listed above, then it was worth it.

 

Oh Thundershirt Come QUICKLY!

Our "new" baby - Goofusmarufus (aka Calypso) - has her share of quirks.  I've heard that happens with rescue dogs.

Calypso came to us rather unexpectedly, shortly after Queen Bee died and when we weren't really sure we wanted, needed or could deal with a new dog.  But sometimes Dogs choose us.  And she did.

Having only ever raised pure bred pups, I had a lot of learning to do dealing with a shy, feral, 9 month old unknown mixed-breed mutt.  She understands life as:

•  Yelling means you are mean and I won't come near you for days, even if you're not yelling at me. 
•  If you come at me too quickly I will assume you are going to do something evil and I will bolt and avoid you for hours. 
• Food is a trick to get me to do something I don't want to do. 
• Puddles, not dog dishes, are for drinking. 
• If you ever do make me do anything I don't want to (like go in the water despite having "water dog" breeds heavily in my blood), I will remember it forever and if you even say the word "pool" or "swimming" I will disappear faster than jelly beans on Easter.

After two years I have learned how to live with her, how to give her love and training, but sometimes, I still can't give her comfort.

Lately, Goofus has decided she's terrified of thunderstorms.  Living in South Florida, this is kind of a problem.  I've heard about the Thundershirts and decided to give it a try.  Their website offered free shipping and a moneyback guarantee, so how can I lose?  Yesterday I finally ordered one.

Apparently I waited a bit too long.  It will be here in 7-10 days.

Meanwhile, last night we had lightening strikes all night long.  Guess who was running around the house crying all night long.  Guess who wanted to cry this morning when she had to get up for work?

We do have a large bathroom with no windows where Goofy Callie likes to hide during most storms.  Apparently that wasn't good enough last night.  Apparently she wanted to run around the house crying until I woke up.

Hurry Thundershirt and get here quickly.  And please let it WORK.
 

Being Loved. It CAN Happen!!

Sometimes when I'm procrastinating, when I'm learning from my past life, I like to go through my old posts and remember how far I've come.

Today I read this.; an old post from a day I recall so vividly after re-reading that post.  And I remember how unlovable I felt.  Not just unloved, but truly unlovable.  That was the lesson I took away from that disastrous thing I called marriage, "I am unlovable."

Fast forward a few years.

Enter the Captain.

Enter BLISS.

Enter unconditional LOVE.

Yes folks, it does exist, and not just from your dog.

Every day I awaken next to a man I fell asleep giggling next to (or something else maybe...)  Every morning I look at him and thank God for the indescribable joy that has come into my life.  Throughout the day we sent text messages, emails or even pick up the phone and chat.  Just because we miss each other.  When we sit on the couch in the evening and read, I put my legs in his lap just to be near him.

OK OK some of you will say, "Yeah you've only lived together 2+ years." 

But really?  I know THIS IS IT.  Because he knows I get crabby, he knows sometimes I leave my shoes all over the house, he knows sometimes I rush dinner and burn stuff.  He knows that when I drink too much I get a little mischievous.  He knows I like to get up on stage and sing karaoke badly.  He knows I have a big, loud, game-playing family.  And he loves all that about me and more.

He also knows that I love deeply.  I laugh often.  I care about the hurting and injustice in the world, both near and far.  He knows I am the absolute mama bear to my cubs.  He knows my family is my most important world.  He knows my religion and my beliefs are important to me but that I will not push them on you. 

He gets me.  And it Loves me, as is.

It is so wonderfully, joyfully satisfying to look back on my life and look at today and see how satisfying the journey continues to be.

Thanks truly be to God.

More Committed than Marriage - WE BOUGHT A HOUSE

I realize I'm writing this for myself as I'm pretty sure no one remembers me anymore, but we've hit a major milestone and I'm so excited that I want to post for posterity if nothing else.

WE BOUGHT A HOUSE TOGETHER!!  (UGLY but front remodeling on hold until next year when major repairs inside are done)

Hells yeah.  For 2 years we lived on a little island in South Florida - found quite by accident when I suddenly had to rent instead of buy in Florida back in 2011 when I chucked my former life and moved south.

After about 9 months on the island we realized we'd really like to live here permanently.  But we wanted a house 1) on the water 2) with beach rights.  Yes I said beach rights.  See that header on my blog?  that's the private beach that came with the rental.  Only the first 3 streets on the island have access, most of them being land locked.

So we waited.

And prayed.

And another year passed.

Then one day I noticed through my job that a house on the water with beach rights was going to foreclosure sale.  I briefly tried to jump in that crazy auction pool and said, "Nope, I'll hope the bank buys it back and deal with their REO department." 

Then it didn't go to foreclosure, something happened and it was pulled.

Damn, it was April and I really wanted to buy something.  My house in MD had an offer on it, closing in May.  Time to buy something here.

So then I found the owner's info (it's an investment property, sitting empty) and called him.  Turns out he's "in the business" sort of and was agreeable to a short sale if I could convince the bank to do it.

Game on.

LOOOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG very difficult story now behind us, after thousands of phone calls, emails, hundreds of documents uploaded, tears, nightmares, frustration, eviction (oh yeah, in the midst of this my landlord decided NOT to let us renew on a month to month and said "YOU, OUT by July 31), we bought it!  (during this time my former mother-in-law passed after a long illness and the Captain's mom passed after only 6 weeks of her cancer diagnosis - yeah it was a tough time.....)

Yes it "needs work."  So far in a month we have replaced 2 air conditioners (it has a dual system),

fixed the pool (it was black, no filter, covered in chicken wire),

ordered a new kitchen to be installed prior to Thanksgiving (she said hopefully),

measured for new hurricane sliders all across the back, power washed the roof and all patios and driveways, painted two rooms (the rest are being overhauled),

 bought 12 samples of paint because we have trouble deciding on colors for the tiny cabana bathroom, bought appliances, um...yeah and other stuff. 


Tired?  yes.  Estatic?  Definitely.

By the way, Captain is incredibly handy.  HE designed the chemical-free pool filter system and installed it.

Reason number 357 why I love him so much.

THIS is the true beginning of the rest of my life.  And I couldn't be happier.

 

Thank you Random Kind Sir

Gearing up for trial - my first in Florida, my first in many years (we settle everything or so it seems).  Working very late last night - a rare event in my new life I am happy to say.  But honestly and selfishly totally consumed by my own challenges and letting this trial take over my life.

I finally starting thinking about packing up my briefcase for home when I get a text from the Captain.  Something about running out of gas and cash and being stranded at the side of the road. without his AAA card.

So I flew out of the office, grateful he wasn't far and was actually on my way home.

Then I realized I misread his text.

He had gone out to GET cash and gas (both accomplished) when the car made noises and quit.

OK the car breaking down part I got right anyway.

So we called AAA on my card, I sent him home for his warranty stuff while I waited.  We were in a bank parking lot, well lit, no problem. I walked next door to grab a diet coke.  The young man behind the counter offered me samples of various liquors (it was a liquor store) but I said no thanks, just waiting for AAA to rescue the dead car, just a diet coke.  We chatted a bit.  The young man said, "Wow you're in a good mood for such an event!"  I said, "Well life happens.  It could have been much worse.  The dealer is up the road.  It will all work out."  And I left.

I walked next door to the car and sat a moment - the wind was blowing so naturally I was cold at 75 degrees and got in the car.

Then I realize there's a man in a gorgeous BMW motioning to me and holding out a business card.

Seems he overheard my conversation at the liquor store.  He works at the BMW place where we are taking the car.  He gave me the name of the head service guy, asked if there was anything he could do to help, had me start up the car (which he had to help me do because it has a push button and not a normal key and no I never ever drive the Captain's new BMW I am afraid of it), and with the noise it was making he agreed towing was the good choice.

Then he went on his way. 

And I thought, "WOW - he totally didn't have to do that!"  It was late - I'm sure he was tired after a long day.  But he took the 10 minutes to stop and offer to help.

That was awesome.

This morning at the dealer, the Captain found the head service guy, dropped a name, got well taken care of.

I hope "Peter" has a wonderful, awesome day and that the good karma he created when he stopped last night continues to follow him.

A reminder to Pay It Forward, to practice random acts of kindness, and to be thankful that when challenges come we can keep them in perspective.

 

Addictions come in all forms

There are lots of addictions.

I'm not sure they're all bad.

I'm not sure they can all be categorized.

I'm not sure I have just one.

But today we'll talk about my shoe addiction.

Now, I would say I don't have an addiction (step one - denial right?)

Because although I do have some a lot a shit ton of shoes, I don't HAVE to have EVERY pair I see.  I go years months weeks without buying any.  I give away a lot of pair - particularly when I need to make room for new ones.

And I won't buy just any shoe.  No, gone are the days of cheap shoes.  Because I hit that phase.  And I tried the "shoe clubs."  And I bought these:

OH yeah they are cute.  And they set off my black and white block print sheath very nicely.  Got lots of compliments today.  Even the Gyro guy noticed (no he's not gay and so what if he were?!).  But walk more than 32 feet?  OUCH.  Cheap shoes = pain.  So I've learned that lesson.  But every once in a while I wear these anyway (I admit $39.99).

But sometimes, on a frustrating afternoon, while I'm at work...working...I am called to the Internet where lurk great shoe sales.

Like recently.
Now I have these - my current go-to- I'mgonnakickyourassincourt favorites.  I can walk miles in these.  They are hot.  They are comfortable.  They were originally let's just say expensive but I found them on sale for under $80.

Simple.  Black.  adorable black bow on the front with a peep toe (It's not professional to wear open toe shoes?  What?  sorry mom that was yesterday).  Adrienne Vittadini.  5 inch heel.  I swear I am the Queen of the Universe in these.

But alas, they are showing their age.  Scuffs on the heels that can't be repaired.  Plus, supershoes only have so much superpower.

So I was thinking perhaps I needed new superblack superpumps.

And Cole Haan was having a great sale and I missed it.  I put the slate grey suede calf boots in my cart but forgot to close the deal.  65% off down the drain.

what do you mean they weren't black or pumps?  focus people focus.  Cool cute shoes on sale...

did I forget to mention I never ever ever pay full price for shoes ever, which is why I'm pretty sure I will never own a pair of Jimmy Choos as much as I totally love love love them.

So I Googled Cole Haan....and up came these....

The picture stinks (gave Son the camera for his semester abroad, I'm left with my phone camera) but they are Cole Haan Nike Air 5" support patent leather pumps with a very professional open toe.  Perfect new I'm gonnakickyourassincourt shoes.  On sale.  even better than Cole Haan's sale - %75 off.  Free shipping.  SOLD.

But wait.  What else came up in that search?

Oh My Goodness.  Something about hairfur.  Cole Haan nike air.  5" heels (my fav - I'm a shrimp).  A sweet blue line going through the heel for a nice accent.  Because me and Blue?  Almost as perfect together as the Captain and me.

again %75 off.  Again free shipping.  SOLD.

AND I get the thrill of buying and then a few days /week later they come in the mail!  Fun all over again.  Then we debut them at work where my shoe-loving Jimmy Choo owning office manager appropriately notices the shoes and we have a nice chat about the love of shoes, our addictions, why shoes make us feel good.

And I know I've blogged about this shoe thing before.  But sometimes, when things aren't going your way, a client is nasty, opposing counsel is horrid, the kids just don't get it, you realize you really aren't ever going to lose the 10 pounds you've gained last year, you look down at your feet and you smile and say, "Yeah, but I've got great shoes."

First world problems?  Yes.  Do I feel a little guilty about that?  Yes.

Guilty enough to send the money I spend on shoes to a third world country instead of buying the shoes?  Sadly, no.  although I try to match my shoe spending to my charitable giving.

Does that count?

probably not...that's why they call it addiction...

Finding Motivation at the Beach

Once again I find myself at the beach.  Except this time it's pretty far north in FL where it's too cold to actually go to the beach and I'm at a work function.

As usual I moaned and groaned about this 3 days away from my "real" job with too much to do and no interest in schmoozing.

Then I shut up and listened.

And I discovered I work for a pretty cool, very successful company that might actually interest me in the long run.

I mean, I know I work for a fortune 500 company.  And I know they make money.  And I feel pretty confident in my job security.

But this week we saw numbers and heard pitches from CFO's and CLO's and CEO's about the company, the legal initiative, and what my future might look like here, particularly if I am successful in wooing the folks who hire legal support to hire me (as in house litigation) rather than continuing to hire the more expensive (and of course less awesome) outside counsel.  I realized that this in house group to which I belong has formed and grown and saved the company millions of dollars in the last few years, and that we are seen as a huge success story.  I realize that my little job in my little office in my little world is actually contributing to the greater good.  And that feels good.  I feel like I am starting to understand this company.  I'm seeing how it has been innovative over the last 5 years in order to stay profitable (even grow!) in this tough economy.

And that feels good.

Then the boss ORDERED us all to go out to lunch in our pre-assigned "mingling groups" and to drink a lot, eat a lot, and just get to know each other.  FUNNY!

As part of my new initiative to contribute more to the future of the company and not just collect  a paycheck, I drank an entire bottle of wine and made lots of jokes with my colleagues!  I'm such a good listener to the boss.

Time for a nap before dinner....

 

The Old Lady in the Shoe

Once upon a time there was a mom with twins in school who was newly divorced, with a full time (and then some) job who juggled divorce stuff, kid stuff, job stuff, dating (?!) stuff and then some.

Then the twins left her and went to college.

She cried a lot.  Worked more.  Planned for when they would visit.

Then she got a new job.  Left the lonely home.  Moved to a warmer climate.  Moved in with the Perfect Captain.

She left the blogging world for a while.  then she tried to return.

But she felt like the old woman in the shoe.  Except without the children.

She visited blogs about life and chaos and kids and stuff.  And thought 'I remember when."

She read posts about kids and movies and allowances and thought "My views are so oooooold"

Am I really that old?  I am 46.  My kids are 20.

Yet somehow I feel like the old woman in the shoe.  Who once had so many children (because her kids' friends and their friends and the friends of friends seemingly ended up at my house...) she didn't know what to do.

And now?  I have so much time on my hands.  I just don't know what to do......
I find that I have lost the drive that had me running everywhere so fast, I wondered myself how I didn't spontaneously combust.  Yes I have joined a gym in an attempt to lose weight and get in shape.  Yes the Captain and I spend a LOT of time together - watching movies, hanging out on the couch talking, sailing, planning adventures.

Oh and if you ask him, we get our fair share of visitors.  (Like no room at the inn or on the floor for Christmas, overlapping winter breakers that will have 8 adults sleeping in a very small 3 bedroom house, and no news yet on spring break but last year we had 6-8 kids for a week....)

But still, in between visits, I feel like I waste so much time.  Gone from so much to do to...what to do?

anyone else understand this debacle???

Confounded by technology...crap I am my mother

once upon a time there was blogspot.com.  And there were templates.  And it was simple.

Then you discovered there were coded things behind the templates and you messed with the codes to change your basic template.  And if [when] you messed it all up you could "delete" and "revert'.

Then you left the blogging world for 147 years oh wait 18 months.

And you tried to blog again,.

But gmail had a new system.  And finding out just how to post a damn post became a herculean effort.

and following those blogs you used to follow?  forgetabboutit.

Not to mention messing with your design.

and after days/weeks/years/decades of spending time trying to figure it out, you accept what is, forget trying to change what you don't like and realize...

crap I am my mom.  We call the younger generation to sort out the "computer issues" and realize we just. can't. keep. up. with . technology.

Sigh.  am I alone here/????

Seasons? We have seasons!!

People ask me all the time, "Do you miss the seasons?"

What?

We have seasons.

For example, like the buds that first push through the ground in March up north, they start to appear here, except in October.

They come, first one by one, parking themselves in the center lane of A1A, aka Beach Road.  As October turns to November and then December, it becomes a cacophony of car carriers, convoyed down the center line, offloading the Caddies, Buicks, Lincolns, the occasional Bentley and Rolls Royce.  The trucks line up, nose to tail nose to tail, like the thousands of tulips I would see in the north in the spring, bringing to us the joys of the season.  The transportation has arrived, awaiting the flock of snow birds in their wake.

Shortly after the car carriers comes the awakening of the condos, the long covered over windows and sliders opening their eyes as the hurricane shutters go to storage.  Buildings, long silent and sleepy, awaken to the wheelchairs, walkers, and grocery carts of the snow birds.

High Season is here.

We go a little slower along A1A, the headless drivers going well below the speed limit.  But instead of impatience I thank them for the opportunity to look left and right along the beach, thankful for the sunshine, the light breeze, the top down and the birds flying overhead.  If I had been traveling my normal speed I might have missed this.

We drive downtown on a Friday night, wondering why we can't get all the way downtown.  Then we remember "HIGH SEASON." That means roads closed, a live band (FREE) downtown, dancing with our neighbors and friends, enjoying the peaceful evening, the slight chill in the air, the seasonal specials and good feelings of those on vacation.

Ah yes.  High Season.  Just one of the Seasons of South Florida.

So no, I do not miss the seasons.  I recognize a different kind of changing seasons.  And Love it just as much
.

Experiments in Shell fish

For Christmas I went a little off the beaten track for Americans and made Paella.  No I'm not the least bit Spanish.  But I did live there a couple years and my daughter got off the plane from Spain 2 days before Christmas.  Plus, I rock at paella.  Spaniards have told me so.

Anyway, paella (the recipe I use, from Penelope Casas who is by far the most amazing Spanish cook/traveler I have ever found) requires all manner of fish, shellfish, chicken, pork, meat.  The recipe calls for 18 small clams and 18 mussels.

Two days before Christmas, while the Captain and I were attempting to go grocery shopping only one more time for the 11 people occupying my house for a week we went to Costco.  I was shocked to see they actually had the exact types of clams and mussels I needed.  But 18?  No I had to buy 5 pounds. Of each.  I briefly considered adding a trip to the local fish market to my already over-taxed life and decided the hell with it and bought 10 pounds of clams and mussels.

Enter the frugal, cheap Girl Next Door.  The Girl who can't throw food away, who despite being "comfortable" financially believes part of the reason she lives there is because she believes "waste not want not."

SO?  I threw the clams and mussels in the freezer for another day.

Enter Friday night.  Captain and I alone  (ALONE!) in our house.  First Friday night in ....a month?

Pour a glass of rum to share over rocks...the first alcoholic drink all week and this is a major improvement over the holidays.

Decide maybe we are hungry.  Pull out the clams.  Boil water.  Google, "Can you freeze clams and then eat them?"  Decide we can.  Chop up garlic, make garlic butter, find baguette bread in need of eating, add butter, cheese, toast.  Steam clams.  THEY OPEN!!!!!  pull out meat, drop in garlic butter mixture, grab toasted cheese bread.  Grab shared glass of rum.  Put on movie, bring food to living room.  Eat.

OMG this is awesome.  If we had planned it, it could not have tasted this good!  Score one for the Frugal girl!

Fast forward Sunday night.  Day of beach, putting away final Christmas lights, doing laundry.  Dinner?  "Hey Captain the clams worked, what about the mussels?  Get some cilantro, tomatoes, I have jalapenos, onions, get some wine, steam them.  Let's try it.  Worked for the clams!"

So I chop this and that and get it all going, buy fresh baguette bread but toast it anyway (sans cheese); make salad "just in case."

Boil mixture, put mussels in....wait.....wait.....wait.   Hmmmm they are not opening.

Well a few seem to open.

Time's up.  Pull out mussels that didn't open.

That would be 90%.

Mussels that did open?  Not sure they are technically "open."

Eat one....ewwwwwwww.  Dump the entire concoction in the trash, carry immediately outside.  Eat the salad.  Eat the bread.  Hope the one bite of mussels doesn't erupt into a more interesting evening.

SOoooooo shell fish 1  Us 1.

Good to know.

60 Ways to Be a Martyr

I've decided I'm not the only one who should write a book.

The Ex needs to write one - "60 Ways to be a Martyr."  Yes after 6 years apart he has discovered yet another way to play the part.  But he doesn't realize I don't let him get away with it anymore.

It goes something like this:

Simple email request:  "Please send me Son's plane ticket info for his trip to Spain this semester." 

Response:  None.  ever.  (typical of 80% of the email I send him...still)

Talking to Son, Son says, "Oh yeah, I need to send you my plane info.  Dad asked me to."

I said:  WTF  (oh yes I did)
Son:  "Dad is intimidated by you I think.  I asked him why he didn't send it and he just mumbled some stuff about you, said something about me being responsible, and asked me to do it."
ME:  "BS Son.  I'm done with this.  Since you were 15 he has used every method possible to put you and your sister in the middle.  I've told him, therapists told him, family told him, friends told him DON'T DO IT.  but he does.  This is ridiculous.  We are parents together.  We at the very least have a business relationship of raising you.  If I ask for a plane reservation, there is absolutely no reason to get you involved.  I asked him because HE was supposed to do it and pay for it and I am the one with the relationship with our Spanish friends who will be picking you up, so our Spanish friends are waiting for an email from ME. [also Ex lives at the computer all day like I do and in theory the chances of getting a responsive email from Ex should be 80x greater than from a kid on semester break]   Yes you should email them, too.  But I promised to keep her in the loop and that's what I need to do.  We have the business of paying for college and expenses, I don't need you guys in the middle feeling like you're asking for something we didn't commit to.**  We made a legal commitment to get you through college and we will have to discuss that directly  - not through you."
Son:  Wow.  Ok.  I didn't know all this.
ME;  of course you didn't because I have tried to keep you out of the uncomfortable middle.
Son:  thanks.

So Yes 6 years later, he still plays the martyr.  He still puts the kids in the middle.  At least they are older now - technically adults - and yes they can and should have more responsibility in decision making and finances and "adult" things.  That doesn't mean their father can't communicate with me - especially when asked.

Like last night when I emailed, "What time exactly is daughter's surgery tomorrow?  And please call me the minute she's awake"

response - you guessed it - nothing.  I'm sure he would think in his small little head, "Why doesn't she ask Daughter."  well, I did, of course, and of course being Daughter, she didn't really know.  "Denial" she kept saying.

Email this morning from me. "WHAT TIME IS THE SURGERY.  All Daughter knew was she had to be up early.  What time is the surgery.  Please respond."

Finally an hour later (two hours after I knew they left for the hospital) he tells me "they just took her back.  Should be about an hour."

gee thanks.

And yes she is home, awake, recovering.  Thanks Son for letting me know.

**And another note, yes any time money comes up, Ex plays the "poor me" card despite the fact that he makes more money than I do, owns a bigger house, etc.  Which is precisely why I try to deal directly with him and not through the kids.  They don't need any more guilt thrown on them than he already manages.

And I would change....nothing.

The holidays were crazy, let's just say.  Lots of people, lots and lots and lots of food, some of which decided to take up permanent residence in my already growing hips.  Way too much alcohol.  I do like the chaos of my family, the singing, the games, the noise.

But I am glad to have the peace and quiet of our house back.  Just me and the Captain.

So today for some reason as I'm driving to work, I thought, "What would I change about the Captain if I could?"

And the answer?

Nothing.

Is he "perfect"? - for me, yes.  Does he have faults?  Of course, but they are what make him so adorable, so The Captain.

And that made me smile, all the rest of the day.

Ironically, Son called to chat midday.  Forget that I have a job and that after 2 weeks of sleeping everyone realized they needed me NOW.  Of course I put it all aside to talk to him.  And we got to talking about his Girlfriend (GF).  She is gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, sweet, quick witted.  But .... but she is very, very quiet and not at all who I ever envisioned for him.  And he recognizes the things in her he would like to change.  (although he knows he cannot).  And that's when I told him....I'd change nothing about the Captain.  Not that he should give up on GF.  There are events in her life that apparently caused her to go from more outgoing person to this shy person.  But he should remember what he wants, what's important, and he should know that 1) he can't change her; 2) there is a person out there for him that he'll look at and say, "I wouldn't change a thing." 

Perhaps GF is his ultimate perfection. If she isn't, I hope he doesn't sell himself (and her) short.

Because finding the person you would not change one bit?  Priceless.

Another Other Side of a Year

Once upon a Blog I posted THIS.  Indeed a year and a half ago I wondered about things like this:

  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

Most of that post was about the kids - how they had changed after a year of college - their bonds, our bonds.  And I was contemplating the big move to Florida - would we survive as a family unit?

Now I am at the other side of a year and I think perhaps some of you are wondering how things are going. (Thank you Chitown Girl for hanging in there and checking in, even when I didn't respond....)


A little over a year ago when we all started contemplating Christmas plans for 2011, I was again stressing, terrified, stewing.  OK OK I was overanalyizing and obsessing (happy mom?!).  Would the kids feel comfortable in the "new" house?  How would they do when the Captain's kids came for Christmas?  How would they intermingle with the Captain's family?  Would it feel like Christmas?  Would they come....and would they ever come back.

I wrote the kids both a long email about the upcoming holidays 2011.  I laid it all out for them - how I felt about them, how important they were, but how I had to get on with my life, too.

They responded in a way that shocked me, but honestly it should not have.  They responded with love, with caring, and with a little bit of the Family Sarcasm, "Really mom?  You stress too much.  We love you.  We love the Captain.  It's all good."

The holidays were wonderful.  We took them sailing for New Year's Eve and Son, who has been sailing since 2 years old said, "This is the BEST sailing ever!"  Yes, the Captain is a bit more of a free spirit on the boat than my old family and I have to say, sailing is a lot of fun.

Spring break came, and so did the kids.  Lots of them.  Our tiny 3 bedroom beach house had 8 college kids (well mostly just 6, but one night we had some extras).  They shared one bathroom, did the towels, did the grocery shopping, shaped up one night when I ranted about the mess I was tired of coming home to after a long day at work, and generally we had a BLAST.

 

Fast forward to summer and where did Daughter opt to live?  In Sunny Florida with me!  Yes it was hard for her - her friends were in MD, she was lonely.  But she got a great job, her friends came to visit, we had a blow out week(s) of celebration when her brother, his girlfriend, and his best friend came for almost 2 weeks right before she went to spend the semester abroad.

 

Son then opted NOT to go back to school.  And where does he live?  Why right here with me in sunny Florida!  Yes he is bored many times.  But he found a job, has saved a signficant amount of money (no one to go play and party with!) and he has gotten his stuff together to go study abroad next semester just like Sister!!

 

This year the holidays again are at my house.  Their dad is a bit of a Grinch so they say.  And this year Son declared, "this Christmas is going to be the best ever.  It won't be all, 'Hey nice house Captain and nice to meet your son,' it will be 'Hey Forr Good to see you again I missed you!' and jokes and shopping with the Captain.  Great times mom!" 

 

Just days after Christmas, Daughter and Son will leave for dad's house.  I will see Daughter sometime in January to deliver the car she uses (she flies to his house, he drives her to school).  I will see Daughter in the spring for the annual Bridge Run.  Son will be off to Spain and I'm not sure when I'll see him.  They have both decided to take summer classes - he to catch up, she to add a couple more languages to her life (4 is not enough?!). 

 

The old me would have sweated the future, "When will I see them again?  Do they love me?  Do they regret this move?"  The new me knows unequivocally that my children and I share a very special, very strong bond.  We will weather any storm together.  And even if they live 1/2 way around the world, our hearts will always be together.

 

Yes indeed the other side of another year is looking very bright.

 

Don't Tell Me How To Grieve

We all have our own way of handling grief, responding to tragedy.  Don't tell me how to do it.

I am upset about Sandy Hook as is most of the world** and certainly most of the US.  I'm sad for the kids, for the parents, for the teachers, for the community. 

My way to handle grief is outrage.  My way to handle grief - after grieving for Columbine, Aurura, after living through the sniper shootings (yes that was my nieghborhood - my Ex was at that grocery store shopping the night it all began), this time I am doing more than crying.  This time I am outraged to the point of looking for ways to make a difference.  I want CHANGE.

No, I am not "taking advantage" of the grief to put forward my "political agenda."  I'm not defiling the graves of those innocent angels with my "political rhetoric."

Did you know some of the families of Newton hopped in their cars and drove to DC to voice their opinions about gun control?  Apparently I'm not the only one who is actively battling her grief.

So don't tell me NOT to post my opinion on facebook, or not to say/do anything "right now."  Don't tell me, "Now is not the time."  Maybe now is not the time for you.  And if it's not the time for you, I won't email you, talk to you, post to you about my grief and my concern.

Unlike you, I will respect that you will handle your grief in your way.

Let me handle mine in my way.

**I say "most of the world" because honestly, my daughter is in Spain right now living with a family and studying abroad.  The family is well educated, hosts exchange students regularly and has been very, very good to my daughter.  Their response to this tragedy?  "What's the big deal?  This is what happens in America.  It's how you treat each other."   

The Obesity Conspiracy

 There is definitely a conspiracy to make America fat and it includes the vending machine at work.  No, not just that we have a vending machine, but the prices of what's inside.  Recently I've noticed that they have started to include healthier snacks like popped chips and baked chips. 

 But tell me WHY oh WHY are these $1.00

And the very same size of THESE: 50 cents??

I think they're trying to make us fatter so we'll buy the cheaper chips!

And don't even GO THERE as to why I'm at the vending machine.  I ate my fat free cottage cheese and my edememe.  But I ran 4 miles (in 37 minutes thankyouverymuch) and walked another 1 with the dogs this morning and dammit I'M HUNGRY.

So I got the baked ones which, fortunately, left me no money to buy a second bag.

Wait maybe that's why they're more expensive, only buying one bag.....

naaaaaaah would've been more fun to buy 2.

Sigh.

Back to the gym.