Just When You Thought He Couldn't Make Me Mad Anymore....

I think it's been a while since I actually posted about the Ex.  Pretty much I just think it's funny that he lives next door and tries to ignore me.  I can be hard to ignore.  Especially when I don't want to be ignored.

But the latest one really got me.

I am moving.  Or trying to move.  House cleaned up, For Sale sign out front.  C'mon offer!!!

Part of the moving process is ditching a lot of stuff I don't want any more.

Now, you might find this a little weird, but our divorce agreement gives each other the "right of first refusal" on personal property.  So about a month ago, I called Ex and said, "Pursuant to our divorce agreement, I am calling you to give notice that I am selling the house and selling certain furniture.  If you want anything, please come over and review it."  (yes I did say pursuant.  no I didn't.  Yes I did.  really.  OK I'm a lawyer.  I like the word Pursuant).

He was quick to hop on what he thought was the "free stuff" bus.

I won't bore you with the truly boring blow-by-blow walk-through of the house where he showed up with a tape measure, pen and pencil, but suffice it to say he wanted anything he thought he could get his hands on.

I decided to "give" him the pool table, because we bought that for the kids.  ("give" because he has to pay to move it).  I decided to give him all the unwanted lawn tools in the shed - old tractor, trailer, etc - because originally the agreement said he got outside stuff and I got inside stuff, but we each left each other a few things.  (I had to take back some of the things he tried to remove that weren't part of the items marked "giving away" - seriously dude you have a compressor built in to your house with a pump and long hose that runs to your garage - why do you want my little portable compressed air holder that retails for $10 and is a total *&^%bitch to fill at the gas station where I pay 75 cents for 2 minutes?)

But when it came to the bedroom furniture - solid cherry and solid mahogany, quality stuff - I drew the line.  I gave him a price (about 1/4 of retail). 

He waited a few weeks, then drafted this "woe is me" email about how it "just isn't right" that he should have to pay me for something he already bought.  Then he went on to imply that anything I sell on ebay or wherever, he should get 1/2 the proceeds.

Why yes my head did spin around and I did spit fire.

Then I drafted a response email.

I took out all the (good) snarky stuff.  And left just the facts:

1) For our property agreement, Ex, Mr. Anal, drafted a thorough spreadsheet of EVERY item in the house and gave EVERY item a value - most of them "full value" not depreciated;
2) Ex did item #1 above because I was getting most of the items in the house and he needed to "up" my side of the spreadsheet;
3) Even at inflated values for personal property, Ex's 1/2 of the pot was $160,000 more than mine (he took his 401K, I took the house, basically, was how it went down);
4) At the mediation, the lawyer asked ME, not HIM if I was ok with the "uneven" distribution of assets;
5) I have never complained about the "uneven" distribution of assets - I viewed it as "equitable" because I didn't have to move and there is a value in that;
6) When we signed the agreement, I "purchased" his 1/2 of all the personal property and "sold" him my 1/2 of the 401K.

I refrained from telling him he could have the bedroom furniture if I could have a distribution from his 401K.
I refrained from telling him that he could pay to me the value HE put on the spreadsheet if he didn't like my "Craigs' List" prices which were thousands lower.
I removed the part about one of us not whining or complaining and the other one needing to get over his fine self.

He hasn't spoken to me since.  (OK I know he doesn't speak to me anyway.  But he has been even more silent.  What you can't get "more silent"?  Yeah, you can.  Trust me).

Anyway, my point is, 4 years have passed and I have moved on with my life - now quite literally - and I foolishly thought that I had heard the last of, "Gee the property settlement wasn't fair and now you have to give me more stuff."

I refrained from saying, "I know the property settlement wasn't fair - can I please have $160,000??!!!"

Who Knew Cheap Toilet Paper Had a Purpose?

I hate cheap toilet paper. I hate going potty at work or anywhere that has cheap toilet paper. I thought companies bought cheap toilet paper because they were, well, CHEAP.

I never understood why grocery stores sold cheap toilet paper. Who bought that stuff? And Why? My butt hurt just thinking about buying cheap toilet paper.

Until The Other Day. Now I am ENLIGHTENED.

The Other Day my basement had a minor flood. It would have been a major flood but I got lucky and made a trip to the basement right after my shower and saw the water coming up through the floor in the overflow drain. HUH?

I suspected the main sewer pipe might be backed up, so I had Son go upstairs and flush the [clean] toilet. Sure enough, water came bubbling up through the floor drain.

HElllllooooo RotoSewerCostMe$600andmyleg Company. They came out quickly, unplugged the drain, sent out two sweet 40-something camera men to snake a camera down my pipe (sounds kind of...well, you know. My mom reads this and so I have to stop right there)...and show me how my sewer pipe just might do this again.

One nice cute RotoCamera man said, "So what kind of toilet paper do you use?" Hell of a pickup line. But I had such a high class answer! "Why Charmin of course honey." And what does he say? "Oh no honey, that's a plumber's dream. Keeps me in business. You need to buy yourself that cheap stuff. The big, fat, soft fluffy stuff doesn't dissolve in the pipes which causes these backups. Better get yourself some recycled thin stuff."

Please tell me he was kidding.

Nope, he was not. He said if I didn't switch, I just might have to spend $7,000 to get new pipes laid (something about my 40 year old pipes being all gnarly on the inside and snaggy and catching the not-quite-dissolved paper. Quite frankly it all sounded a little too personal and I just might resemble some of those comments....)

Anywhoooo, next trip to grocery store, I dutifully went to the TP aisle and bought, gasp, the Store Brand. And put it in the Kids' bathroom. The Good Stuff will stay in my bathroom where I can use it, throw it in the trash can, and take the can outside every night. Totally worth the trip.

Adjustments

It has been a hot summer. No silly not hawt. Just H-O-T.

I love H-O-T. OK I love hawt, too, but that's another post.

After a few days of 100+ degrees, I got used to it.

After a few weeks of 100+ degrees and 99% humidity, I awoke to temps in the 70's. I got in my convertible...and turned on the heated seats.

Oh yes I did. Really. It was 76 degrees and I was freezing. I put the "Just In Case" sweatshirt back in the car, too.

Any questions remaining on why I need to move to Florida?!

Dirty, Embarrassing Confessions

I didn't know about it. I swear. I'm not normally this naive. But somehow I missed it - even after all these years. It's embarrassing. And not just a little bit disgusting. My discovery horrified me.

But at least now it's clean.

And I'm here to save all of you who might not know.

That bottom shelf in the fridge - the one that holds the big drawers for the fruits and veggies -it comes out of the fridge AND it also comes apart.

I'm still sick and work is slow, so I decided to stay home today. I felt some energy kick in around 9ish and decided to tackle at least one big project. No kids this week means a fairly empty fridge, so what better time to clean the thing? It has been weeks, months, years a long time since I took everything out of the fridge and wiped it all down.

As I got to the bottom of the fridge, I took the big drawers out and began wiping the very bottom of the fridge. Somehow I bumped the shelf - the one I thought was stationary and immovable for eight years when suddenly it popped up somehow. And I realized I could take it out.

Then I became afraid. Very very afraid. What would I discover if I took it out?

Are you sure you want to know?

I discovered a little mini 4" shelf in the waaaaaay back of my fridge that this glass shelf sat on top of (the very back of the glass shelf being opaque so you can't see the mini shelf - stupid design). And red and black and blue and green things have oozed under and created quite the menagerie of disgusting, sticky puddles.

The puddles have been eradicated, and my fridge is so clean and happy.

If I have saved even one person, my personal shame and embarrassment have been worth it!

When Soliciting Recommendations is WRONG

For the dreaded Bar Exam I stayed at a dive. I pretty much figured it would be a dive. I am spoiled, used to staying in 5 star hotels for work (when someone else is paying the bill) but I? Am cheap. So I moved myself out of the beautiful $300/nite Westin, figuring "I'm just going to sleep there." and booked a room at less than 1/2 price at the Howard Johnson.

Now I did check the reviews at Hotels.com. And surprisingly, there were hundreds of reviews and most of them positive. They were qualified with "for the price... " and yes I'm not dumb enough to think I was getting the Ritz.

But now that I am here, I have discovered WHY there are so many "positive" reviews. "Write a positive review, get a free drink."

Well Duh. Who wouldn't lie for a free drink? ME THAT'S WHO. (Wait I mean who wouldn't lie on a review. Because I'm pretty sure I've told some whoppers in my past to some unsuspecting member of the male persuasion in exchange for a drink or three). As a frequent traveler , I count on those reviews to an extent as a check on "do I really want to stay there?"

And I have to say, this is abuse. And when I get home I am going to write a scathing review that lets these companies know that HJ IS SOLICITING PERJURY!

This place is a dive. And I have promised myself that if I study for the test in July, then I get to stay at a good hotel! That, my friend, is incentive. Believe me.