Thursday, October 21, 2010

The One About the Captain

Once upon a time I married a man who turned out not to be such a great choice for me. He didn't speak to me, didn't treat me with respect, didn't love me, didn't like me. So 20 years later I finally got up the nerve to give him the divorce he asked for ...11 years earlier.

About that same time, I met a man who clearly was not real but had to be from a Fairy Tale. He was easy going, non-judgmental, wise, caring, loving, funny, adorable, handsome, handy, smart, creative, and he liked me for me, not who he thought I could be some day.

One day I woke up after spending a couple years flying around the country to catch glimpses of this Fairy Tale Man and began to wonder if it was all really true or if perhaps it was a Fairy Tale. I realized that for most of my life and definitely all of my adult life, I have fitted myself into another person's (Man's) life and taken on his life as mine.

One day I woke up and wondered what it would be like just to live my life. To figure out my goals, to manage my job, to tend to my kids, to deal with my own stress and triumphs and losses, without leaning on another human being (Man) to help me cope.

Because I began to wonder what I was really made of, what really mattered to me, and what I might truly want out of my life.

And so I told the Fairy Tale Man that I needed to let him go for a little while. Maybe even forever.

At first Fairy Tale Man was not happy with me. He did not understand, because he never pushed his life on me, or made me do things I didn't want to, or judged me. He just listened. A lot. And talked to me. A lot. And shared things with me. Always.

But then, because he is the amazing Fairy Tale Man, he managed to put himself in my shoes, feel my feelings, and totally understood why I needed to be by myself for a while. or maybe forever.

Which naturally made me think I was completely losing it, losing him, losing my mind, and taking a stupid, stupid step.

But I did it anyway.

And so, as part of Taking Back My Life, I am going it alone. For at least a little while. Although Fairy Tale Man manages to keep in touch in the most caring ways. And I manage to call him. A Lot. And he always answers. Because first and foremost, He is my Friend. I hope I am fortunate enough to always have him as my Friend. Even though I do not deserve that.


Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

I loved every bit of this post except for the last line. Because you do. I'm sure of that.

Also? After I married a man who was not my friend, my best friend became my husband. Sure, we have had bumps in the road and all that, but he's still my best friend. He probably always will be, even if I have to take a skillet to his head now and then. Of course, I being the perfect person, never need a skillet to mine.

What I'm saying here is that it is good to take time and to have a friend. I was eight years between husbands, and that time made the difference for me to get where I needed to be so that I could go where I needed to go, so that I can now be were I want to be.

And what I'm saying her is that you deserve to have it all.

You go girl!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You cannot go wrong with having a great friend--and he definitely sounds like a keeper.

ChiTown Girl said...

You ABSOLUTELY deserve this, and SO much more!! I'm glad you found The Captain. Who knows what the future holds for you two.... ;-)

I love this Taking Back My Life mission you're on, and can't wait to read all about it. :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

YOU deserve the best of the best in life. Remember that.
He is a keeper...and when you are ready, I am sure he will be there for YOU.

Gigi said...

Whether he turns out to be *the one* or just a friend - you do deserve it. Everyone deserves to have such a person in their lives.

DLK said...

This post was beautifully written and honest. I'm with your do deserve him.

p.s. I found you on Secret Spineless Whine