I know that as things go, my Ex is not horrible. In fact, he has many redeeming qualities. And although I was miserable for most of 20 years, well, so was he. And we did share some good times. Although the farther I get from the marriage, the more I see the sublties of my suffering - the mind games, the control, the belittling, the psychological battering. But really? Not so bad when compared to the awful things I have seen and heard from my friends, in the news, etc.
And sometimes when I look at my life now and I compare it to our life then I am amazed at the difference in my quality of life. And I am thankful for the many many blessings in my life since the day. I have an incredibly supportive family that I've become even closer to since then without the impediment of his resentment and comments when I tried to communicate with them. I have a great job. I have wonderful friends. I am healthy. I have an amazing ManFriend who adds a whole new dimension to my life.
And then I compare [what I know] of his life then to now. And I am somewhat amazed that he is still a miserable, fat, curmudgeon. He complains that financially he's worse off. Things don't seem to be breaking his way. And my mean-voice comes out and says "what goes around comes around." And then I look over my shoulder and think "Ack I am going to get it for that evil thought." But it's there. And I'm admitting that.
I try not to be smug about it. Goodness knows I don't deserve my blessings, but God has opted to give me a break lately. And so many people I know who are suffering certainly don't deserve their suffering. So I'm not making a general statement about the world.
I'm simply comparing our lives together to our lives apart. And being really really thankful. And although last Saturday on an abnormally warm, sunny, winter's day I went outside and he was washing his car and I was doing outside chores and I was remembering days when we all worked on things together and how simple it is in many ways to be 4 people as opposed to 3 people, but then. I looked again at my life. And even with all the stresses and challenges of being 1 person doing 3 jobs now (mom, dad, lawyer) instead of just 2 (mom, lawyer), I still say, "Yes, I made the right decision. And it feels right."