Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Psychological Ramblings that May or May Not have a Point....

I know that as things go, my Ex is not horrible. In fact, he has many redeeming qualities. And although I was miserable for most of 20 years, well, so was he. And we did share some good times. Although the farther I get from the marriage, the more I see the sublties of my suffering - the mind games, the control, the belittling, the psychological battering. But really? Not so bad when compared to the awful things I have seen and heard from my friends, in the news, etc.

And sometimes when I look at my life now and I compare it to our life then I am amazed at the difference in my quality of life. And I am thankful for the many many blessings in my life since the day. I have an incredibly supportive family that I've become even closer to since then without the impediment of his resentment and comments when I tried to communicate with them. I have a great job. I have wonderful friends. I am healthy. I have an amazing ManFriend who adds a whole new dimension to my life.

And then I compare [what I know] of his life then to now. And I am somewhat amazed that he is still a miserable, fat, curmudgeon. He complains that financially he's worse off. Things don't seem to be breaking his way. And my mean-voice comes out and says "what goes around comes around." And then I look over my shoulder and think "Ack I am going to get it for that evil thought." But it's there. And I'm admitting that.

I try not to be smug about it. Goodness knows I don't deserve my blessings, but God has opted to give me a break lately. And so many people I know who are suffering certainly don't deserve their suffering. So I'm not making a general statement about the world.

I'm simply comparing our lives together to our lives apart. And being really really thankful. And although last Saturday on an abnormally warm, sunny, winter's day I went outside and he was washing his car and I was doing outside chores and I was remembering days when we all worked on things together and how simple it is in many ways to be 4 people as opposed to 3 people, but then. I looked again at my life. And even with all the stresses and challenges of being 1 person doing 3 jobs now (mom, dad, lawyer) instead of just 2 (mom, lawyer), I still say, "Yes, I made the right decision. And it feels right."

12 comments:

Sandy Toes said...

Ok...this is interesting..came over from "Bee"....sandy toe

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Plus? You did at least three jobs then (mom, wife, lawyer).

:-)

ChiTown Girl said...

I'm glad you've reached this point of clarity in your life. Good for you :)

I feel that way about CSJ most of the time, too. He's completely miserable in his job, he lives in HHW's mother's basement (!), along with about 8 other people who live in that house, he owns NOTHING, basically his life sucks!! And, I know I'm gonna burn in hell for this, but it makes me smile sometimes. I feel like he got what he deserves. One day, I hope to be a grown up like you ;-)

Persnickety Ticker said...

OK, time for you to pass along some of those zen cupcakes you have been munching on.

Cuz I want some happy thoughts to go along with my happy place. Which I haven't found yet. But I will.

Even iffn I have to come steal yours. ;)

J.G. said...

Nice juxtaposition with the previous post! We're blessed when we feel blessed, regardless of the details. And you obviously are.

fireweedroots said...

I understand you completely! A famous line in a Swedish poem is "May God forgive me certain words..." and I often think about that in conjunction with thinking about my X. We don't live next-door to each other, but close enough that I know his carfree bacehelorlife just hasn't happened - and he's getting desperate...

fireweedroots said...

*carefree
I MUST remember to proofread!!!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

It's interesting that you had those thoughts when doing chores. I've always wondered if I'm just strange because I find some of my most satisfying times with my husband to be when we're doing mundane weekend chores.

It's good to feel satisfied with the path your life is taking.

San Diego Momma said...

It's great that you are taking time to be grateful for all you have.

Your life now seems to be a reflection of healthy decisions you made...one of which appears to be your choice to live without your ex.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I know this feeling so, so well. I'm glad that you are happy now!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Good for you. You need to realize how much you have accomplished and CAN on your own with out him...you did make the best choice. :)

just jamie said...

I needed this today. Perfect. Thanks.