Friday, April 25, 2008

Running from the Pain

I am a runner, literally and figuratively. I did a marathon in 2006 and 2008 will be the "year of the 10 milers." I also run from emotional pain. Did I mention I am a fast runner?

The Ex's Grandmother passed away the other day. Not unexpected at 94. In fact she announced her passing a couple weeks ago and called her children to her side. Brave, smart lady.

Grandmother and I had a true, loving relationship. I called her Grandmother. She called me her granddaughter. I was blessed; I was lucky.

She knew about the separation and was saddened but continued to care about me.

Now she is gone, and I cannot go to her funeral. The Ex has asked me not to. Considering the funeral is 8 hours away in a remote location and the family thing is all weird, I will honor his request. Truth be told, the thought of NOT riding 8 hours one way through curvy roads all by myself doesn't upset me. Besides, She was extremely important to Ex. She called him her "onliest." (the only boy, ok that's just annoying but I loved her anyway. Yes, I often signed cards, "The Onliest's Wife" She thought it was funny.)

I was ok with the whole "not going" thing. Well, I said I was ok. Then my daughter asked if I were going. And I said, "No Dad thinks it's best if I don't go." And I saw the pain on her face. And I said, "But we're improving - we actually talked about it, right? And I think we're getting along better." My desire to shield my children overcomes my desire to speak my true heart, clearly.

Then today I ordered the flowers for the funeral. Wild horses couldn't stop me from doing that. Hopefully a big, gorgeous display of her favorite: pink roses. And then I hung up the phone and cried. Why? Because I can't say goodbye. Because I don't get to see the whole family that I still care deeply about. Because my daughter has to go through this without me - we are very close. She'll tell me stuff she won't tell anyone else. So I tell myself this is a good thing - she'll maybe open up to her dad. Or her cousins. Look on the bright side, this is a growing experience for us all. Right?

Bull Sh**. I'm mad and I'm hurt and I'm sad. And I am running to Florida to jump on a sailboat and go sailing while my family mourns. Maybe then I won't have to think about it. Besides, my rugs at home are too piled up and lumpy with stuff I've previously swept under there to handle this one.


Paranoid said...

I'm so sorry, both for your loss and for the fact that you can't be there to say goodbye. I wish there was more I could say to make it better, but my mind's a blank. Just know that I'm thinking of you and that I'm always here if you need to talk.

Hugs, Me

DF said...

Those wounds do hurt, and I am sorry.

At some point while you are in Florida, watch a beautiful sunrise or sunset, and think of Grandmother. Say goodbye with the happy thoughts of the intimate time you spent with her and of her being whole again, admiring the visible wonders of God.

Carol P. said...

Hugs to you, and I'm so sorry you have to struggle with it. Some things just suck, y'know? We, each and every single one of us, is doing the best we can with the circumstances that we're blessed with. Doesn't mean that we have to like the circumstances we find ourselves in though.

And df's right: you can still remember her while you're in Florida, and to be there in spirit. Sometimes, that's just the best that you can do.

My condolences to all of you.

dirtft said...

Since she was so much a part of you will you really ever say goodbye? If you MUST, then I hope you can take df's advice.
I know the bigger issue is that you can't do anything for your daughter's pain other than let her know you were thinking about her, the family, and Grandmother while you were away and even though things are starting to "get better" there are still some things that still need a lot of work.

JO said...

I put myself mentally in your shoes, since Mr. Oz and I just lost his grandma less than a month ago, and thought "What would it be like if he didn't want me there". Wow. What a kick in the gut. Grandma H was my grandma longer in my life than Grandma Faison or Grandma Shrum were. I know you are in the same boat with Grandmother.

Of course, the only thing that the Ex can "control" in his world are situations like this. The funny thing is that he is going to hear more of "Where's ME" that he ever would want to, and HE will have to explain the situation, and why you aren't there. Nice position to be put in - especially when he is the one who put himself there.

The one thing that the kids will come to realize in future years (without your intervention - which is awesome) is that their Dad made some decisions that don't necessarily make sense, and that affairs of the heart can sometimes royally suck.

I second what your bro said (and what my bro said), you can let Sh and Au know that while you were gone, they were (and are) never far from your mind, that you toasted a beautiful sunset to Grandmother and her new wonderful life, and that "these things take time" with their dad.

Love you Cuz!

DF said...

Please remember that his family accepted you with open arms, like your family accepted him, so it is not them or you that has any issues. Remember too that Grandmother was at peace with you when she passed.

All of your immediate family and much of your extended family are out here supporting you and praying for you, and for Grandmother.

TGND said...

Thanks to one and all for your hugs, love, support and prayers. As I sat on the boat Sunday morning, watching my first live manatee swim about the harbor (no I didn't have any cabbage to feed it, darnit) and enjoyed a flock of pelicans zooming by the boat, diving for fish, I did, indeed contemplate on Grandmother and all that she meant (means). And I thought of all of you and your undying support. And I shed a tear or two for things that change - both good and bad. Thanks friends for being there and for letting me throw my blogger-tantrum (and, for those of you who had to deal with me in person, my in person tantrums!).

Part of me feels guilty for running off to Florida - I could've stayed home and helped get the kids off, helped with the dogs, picked up the SIL at the airport but instead I ran. There were lessons learned there, too. Hopefully the kids will return tonight and all will be well. I haven't heard from them since Saturday b/c the funeral zone is a cell dead zone. I am anxious to talk to them and hope they are well. I hope, honestly, that they don't think I deserted them. There is a part of me that fears they will think I chose florida over them, despite them knowing the "truth." I probably worry too much. hey, ask paranoia peggy, I come by it honestly, no??!!

Here's hoping for happier, more mundane posts in the future...