More From My Hilarious Father (MHF) & Real Estate

Some of you may recall my previous post from My Hilarious Father.  Let me tell you, humor like his isn't a "just once" experience.  He has authorized me to share a few of his best stories with you.

Today's installment of MHF (My Hilarious Father) shares one of his many real estate experiences.

Dad was a realtor in a big small town in New England for oh...50 years?  He was well-known for the ethics class and real estate licensing classes he taught around the state and at the State University (you know, the Men's Basketball NCAA Championship school...a-hem..) I digress...

One day he did what a layman would say is "sold" a property - that is to say, his client made an offer that was to be accepted by the seller (but money had not yet changed hands.  Dad says a sale isn't a sale until title passes and money changes hands, but that's another story for another day).  But first the buyer wanted "his friend the lawyer" to look it over.  My Dad said, "Sure, why not."  My Dad, The Most Ethical Person Ever, would never give legal advice nor draft a contract without having a client give it to a lawyer, despite the fact that the lawyers always told him that Dad's contracts were better than theirs. 

So Buyer comes back to Dad and says, "My lawyer says I've offered too much."

My Dad calmly responded, "Gee that's interesting.  Mind if I call him myself?"

So Dad Calls Lawyer.

DAD:  Hey Lawyer, I'm a little hurt.

LAWYER:  Huh?

DAD:  You know I teach Real Estate Licensing classes, right?

LAWYER:  Yeah, I've heard you're the best and everyone loves your classes.

DAD:  Well, I'm a little hurt that when you got your Real Estate License you went to someone else's class.  Mind if I ask where you went?

LAWYER:  Uh.  Well, I don't have a Real Estate License.

DAD:  You Don't?  But my Buyer told me you gave him advice about the property and said he was offering too much?

LAWYER:  Oh.  Yeah. Wow.  Sorry.  I'll never do that again....


Dadism of the day, "Don't tell me how to practice Real Estate, and I won't tell you how to practice law."  (insert your own profession into "Real Estate").

My Hilarious Father and Dipsticks

My Dad is the most awesome man in my life.  He always has been, always will be.  (Sorry Captain).

My Dad is brilliant in a way that so many people lack.  Aside from being intellectually intelligent, my Dad sees things in a way few others do.

I don't know if any of you remember the comedian George Carlin.  He pointed out things like, "Jumbo Shrimp" and "non-stop flight" [I'd kind of like it to stop somewhere, wouldn't you?!]

My Dad loved George Carlin because my Dad, the most observant man ever, notices things like that all the time.

My Dad has been retired now for 2 years (we dragged him, kicking and screaming, from the office when he was 78.  That's not a typo).

As a child I remember his occasional letters to the Editor with his observations.  He lives in a big small town - or is it a small big town?  Any way, there are a lot of people population wise but everyone seems to know everyone, or at least they know my Dad.  And my Dad knows everyone, like the guy who runs the editorial page of the local paper - who is also the organist at my Dad's church.  Now that Dad's retired, he writes letters to the Editor with a vengence.

This one is my personal all-time favorite:  (ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY MY DAD):

Editor:

We're wondering why we still rely on foreign oil and we're running low.

Well, there might be a very simple answer.  Nobody bothered to check the oil and we just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason might be purely geographical.  "Our" oil is located in Alaska, California, coastal Florida and Louisiana, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.  Unfortunately, our "dipsticks" are all in Washington, D.C!

I have posted his letter on my bulletin board at work and giggle every time I read it and remember Dad.  Some day I hope to be as smart as my Dad.

Love you Dad!!

Where Did I Put That Darned First Amendment?

So I'm talking to Dad yesterday on the phone and he tells me the craziest story - one I wouldn't believe if it were a movie as too crazy - about these two Congressmen in Connecticut - Lawlor and McDonald - who have proposed Bill 1098 to regulate the Catholic Church. Dad's 78, not really that old, but well, I was beginning to think maybe his age was catching up with him.

The State Regulating the Church? Isn't there a 200 year old Constitution and some pesky amendments out there somewhere that don't allow this?

Then he delivers the punch line as only my phunny dad can: he sent an email to the aforementioned representatives. He suggested they obtain a copy of the Constitution of the US and the amendments, paying particular attention to the first one. Then he said if they didn't understand what they were reading, it should be easy enough to find someone to help them interpret it. He pretty much got it the first time around, back in his high school civics class.

So Dad's mind and wit? Still Sharp as a tack after all these years.

Myra, San Diego Momma and My Dad

Some time ago I won a fabulous prize on San Diego Momma, which was free business cards or other cards, specially designed for me by Myra at Moon and Back Studios. Myra has a beautiful, sleek, fresh design on her website and I love her cards, but I was trying to find just the right thing to do with this great gift. My firm provides business cards, and I am terrible at snail mail. I collect correspondence cards and never use them.

Then I started thinking about things - my Dad was retiring and he has always been a big Business Card kind of guy. He brags that they are the original blackberry - a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket with a business card tucked in with notes on the back and wham, his blackberry for the day: notes on who he has to call, appointments, important info. All in one handy dandy card. How would he survive as a retired man with no Business Cards?

So I emailed Myra, gave her some vague ideas of my dad (and pretty much no artistic guidance seeing as how I can't even draw stick people) and she created THIS:

You may have read that my Dad is big into Model Railroading. So I thought this was Perfect. And so did he!! Even this proof does not do it justice. It really was awesome. Thank you San Diego Momma for the great gift. Thank you Myra for being such an awesome artist and feeling person.

And Dad? Yeah, thanks for being you!

What do you get when you combine a phunny Dad with model trains?

Recently, my Dad celebrated his retirement and all the kids, most of the grandkids, and many friends gathered to celebrate. The Captain and I thought it would be a nice time for him to meet the family....momentary insanity on our parts? Perhaps.

Anyway, the Captain is also 1 of 5 kids in a French-Canadian/Irish Catholic family. That means lots of people and kids and names to remember. Over the last few months he's come to know my family through my stories. And he's come to appreciate their "personalities" through my stories and, now, through his own experiences.

Obviously, I told him a lot about my Dad prior to the party. My dad is the best Dad in the universe. This I know, so don't even try to tell me how great your dad is. (OK OK you can try, but well....) My dad is NOT perfect. Oh no. He'll drive you absolutely crazy. But his heart is always in the right place, so you love him no matter how loudly you have to shout because he's turned his hearing aids off, or how many road signs he reads out loud when you're driving down the street, or how many times he tells you the same story b/c he has so many kids he can't remember who he told what, or how many times he checks his voicemail despite the fact that no one ever leaves him messages (maybe we should just so he can listen?!).

One of my favorite things about my Dad is his very phunny sense of humor. He is king of puns. Combine this with his avid model railroading, and, well, you get this:


Yeah, that's a portion of his layout. The backdrop is the most amazing painting - done on 6 (? I forget how many) LARGE canvases. Oil on canvas. In the basement for a backdrop. Painted by his dear, ridiculously talented friend Colonel Hayes. Yes, this is the kind of love my parents inspire.



That's Dad ever the teacher, pointing things out to the Captain (next to Dad) and to my Bro

Let the Puns Begin...


In front of the graveyard, the gravediggers truck sports the company name... "Dowe Digem and How!"

Do you see the deer that the car ran over? Yep the tow truck had to come and pull it off. (Do you have any idea how small HO scale is? My father is nuts.....)

That's the Whitewater Brewing company owned by William J. Clinton...

And the delivery trucks? "We Deliver when WE feel like it, Inc."

Yes, you read right, "Estee Loggers"

And he has a whole section of mining, called, naturally, "Boggle, the Mine"

Here's a small Heinz factor, where they only make 28 1/2 varieties because "We're a SMALL plant"

This is my personal favorite: "Burrr Ice Co."

Another shot of his amazing layout. He has graffiti on his train bridge. And IRS building that catches fire and burns. Kids tipping over an outhouse, lights shot out of the billboard next to Farmer Brown's farm b/c it was keeping the cows awake, and oh so many more.

It's a joy to go down there with Dad and see all the funny stuff. And he's hip, too. Has some kind of system that runs each train individually so that they make noise and puff smoke and when they go into the tunnel it gets quieter. He's rolling with the times people. And he will make you laugh....