I've decided I'm not the only one who should write a book.
The Ex needs to write one - "60 Ways to be a Martyr." Yes after 6 years apart he has discovered yet another way to play the part. But he doesn't realize I don't let him get away with it anymore.
It goes something like this:
Simple email request: "Please send me Son's plane ticket info for his trip to Spain this semester."
Response: None. ever. (typical of 80% of the email I send him...still)
Talking to Son, Son says, "Oh yeah, I need to send you my plane info. Dad asked me to."
I said: WTF (oh yes I did)
Son: "Dad is intimidated by you I think. I asked him why he didn't send it and he just mumbled some stuff about you, said something about me being responsible, and asked me to do it."
ME: "BS Son. I'm done with this. Since you were 15 he has used every method possible to put you and your sister in the middle. I've told him, therapists told him, family told him, friends told him DON'T DO IT. but he does. This is ridiculous. We are parents together. We at the very least have a business relationship of raising you. If I ask for a plane reservation, there is absolutely no reason to get you involved. I asked him because HE was supposed to do it and pay for it and I am the one with the relationship with our Spanish friends who will be picking you up, so our Spanish friends are waiting for an email from ME. [also Ex lives at the computer all day like I do and in theory the chances of getting a responsive email from Ex should be 80x greater than from a kid on semester break] Yes you should email them, too. But I promised to keep her in the loop and that's what I need to do. We have the business of paying for college and expenses, I don't need you guys in the middle feeling like you're asking for something we didn't commit to.** We made a legal commitment to get you through college and we will have to discuss that directly - not through you."
Son: Wow. Ok. I didn't know all this.
ME; of course you didn't because I have tried to keep you out of the uncomfortable middle.
Son: thanks.
So Yes 6 years later, he still plays the martyr. He still puts the kids in the middle. At least they are older now - technically adults - and yes they can and should have more responsibility in decision making and finances and "adult" things. That doesn't mean their father can't communicate with me - especially when asked.
Like last night when I emailed, "What time exactly is daughter's surgery tomorrow? And please call me the minute she's awake"
response - you guessed it - nothing. I'm sure he would think in his small little head, "Why doesn't she ask Daughter." well, I did, of course, and of course being Daughter, she didn't really know. "Denial" she kept saying.
Email this morning from me. "WHAT TIME IS THE SURGERY. All Daughter knew was she had to be up early. What time is the surgery. Please respond."
Finally an hour later (two hours after I knew they left for the hospital) he tells me "they just took her back. Should be about an hour."
gee thanks.
And yes she is home, awake, recovering. Thanks Son for letting me know.
**And another note, yes any time money comes up, Ex plays the "poor me" card despite the fact that he makes more money than I do, owns a bigger house, etc. Which is precisely why I try to deal directly with him and not through the kids. They don't need any more guilt thrown on them than he already manages.
The Ex needs to write one - "60 Ways to be a Martyr." Yes after 6 years apart he has discovered yet another way to play the part. But he doesn't realize I don't let him get away with it anymore.
It goes something like this:
Simple email request: "Please send me Son's plane ticket info for his trip to Spain this semester."
Response: None. ever. (typical of 80% of the email I send him...still)
Talking to Son, Son says, "Oh yeah, I need to send you my plane info. Dad asked me to."
I said: WTF (oh yes I did)
Son: "Dad is intimidated by you I think. I asked him why he didn't send it and he just mumbled some stuff about you, said something about me being responsible, and asked me to do it."
ME: "BS Son. I'm done with this. Since you were 15 he has used every method possible to put you and your sister in the middle. I've told him, therapists told him, family told him, friends told him DON'T DO IT. but he does. This is ridiculous. We are parents together. We at the very least have a business relationship of raising you. If I ask for a plane reservation, there is absolutely no reason to get you involved. I asked him because HE was supposed to do it and pay for it and I am the one with the relationship with our Spanish friends who will be picking you up, so our Spanish friends are waiting for an email from ME. [also Ex lives at the computer all day like I do and in theory the chances of getting a responsive email from Ex should be 80x greater than from a kid on semester break] Yes you should email them, too. But I promised to keep her in the loop and that's what I need to do. We have the business of paying for college and expenses, I don't need you guys in the middle feeling like you're asking for something we didn't commit to.** We made a legal commitment to get you through college and we will have to discuss that directly - not through you."
Son: Wow. Ok. I didn't know all this.
ME; of course you didn't because I have tried to keep you out of the uncomfortable middle.
Son: thanks.
So Yes 6 years later, he still plays the martyr. He still puts the kids in the middle. At least they are older now - technically adults - and yes they can and should have more responsibility in decision making and finances and "adult" things. That doesn't mean their father can't communicate with me - especially when asked.
Like last night when I emailed, "What time exactly is daughter's surgery tomorrow? And please call me the minute she's awake"
response - you guessed it - nothing. I'm sure he would think in his small little head, "Why doesn't she ask Daughter." well, I did, of course, and of course being Daughter, she didn't really know. "Denial" she kept saying.
Email this morning from me. "WHAT TIME IS THE SURGERY. All Daughter knew was she had to be up early. What time is the surgery. Please respond."
Finally an hour later (two hours after I knew they left for the hospital) he tells me "they just took her back. Should be about an hour."
gee thanks.
And yes she is home, awake, recovering. Thanks Son for letting me know.
**And another note, yes any time money comes up, Ex plays the "poor me" card despite the fact that he makes more money than I do, owns a bigger house, etc. Which is precisely why I try to deal directly with him and not through the kids. They don't need any more guilt thrown on them than he already manages.
1 comment:
A jerk is a jerk and he isn't going to change now. Surely this is a lesson for the kids on 'how not to behave'.
I hope your Daughter is doing well.
XO
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