I love my kids. Really I do. They are pretty good teenagers as kids go. But sometimes they make me so made I am shaking and not able to control my tongue or my body. My fists ball up, my entire body starts to shake and I am so enraged at their.....unspeakable thoughtlessness..... unbearable meanness.... I cannot fathom they are my kids. In those times I say some horrid things. And I of course regret them later - sort of. Sometimes I think they deserve a little bit of honesty (NO I don't tell them they're stupid or unwanted or losers or anything. I cuss at them and tell them they are making me absolutely horrifically insane and I can't stand their behavior - mostly it's the rampant cussing that I get mad about later)
In December it was the fist through the window. Tonight it was a kick in the face. No I'm not kidding and I wish I were. Although it's not really as bad as it sounds.
It started pretty lovely. Daughter volunteered to make spaghetti for dinner and didn't tell me or ask me, she just started doing it. I discovered dinner in progress so made salad. It got ugly in parts, like when Son showed up to say, "Smells good" and Daughter snidely sniped, "You could at least set the table!!" I decided to smooth it over by asking, "Son could you please set the table?"
After dinner they started horsing around, calling each other names (I think they were kidding but I'm not sure) and then Daughter swatted Son in the head. Again, he blew it off and I think they were kidding. I did yell, "KNOCK IT OFF." (one of these days she'll respond, "That's what I was trying to do!")
Then we were all running up the stairs to do the "Christmas boxes into the attic" procession. Daughter was behind Son when she said something about a race and he said, "NO" and stuck his foot out behind him [here stories vary. I think he just stuck it out. She says he actively kicked her in the nose] Next thing I know there's screeching and blood and....mom's head blows off, flying all around the living room, cussing, annoyed. Daughter is screaming at me b/c she can't figure out how she could possibly be at all at fault (in truth she was barely at fault but she doesn't see how her name calling and swatting builds up to things like this. Sigh).
But Son? SON? HE ARGUED WITH ME FOR 10 MINUTES ABOUT HOW IT WASN'T REALLY HIS FAULT AND HOW SHE'S 50% TO BLAME. And what really made my head explode, creating enough energy to run the electricity for the entire city for a week, was the fact that his first reaction wasn't to grovel and apologize and feel really badly.
Huh? I thought I raised them better than that. I thought I was raising caring, loving, thoughtful kids. Where did these self-centered, self-preservationists come from?
And will anyone buy them? Or take them off my hands? Because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live with them both another day. And thus the "one at a time" solution.
Daughter has asked to live apart from him. I agree. They are twins. In the same scholar's program at school. They ride to and from school together, share many friends, share a bathroom [oh the horrors right? I shared one with 4 other siblings...and it was 1/2 the size], have classes together (some not all), do ski club together, do band together. It's just too much togetherness. So I think when Ex stops traveling next month, we are going to divide and conquer. At least for a while. Thoughts? I'm really torn on this one, but I am about to lose what little sanity I have left. And I'd like to know what you think....