Thursday, April 7, 2011

Daring to Love

When I was 18 I met a man I thought I loved. I thought he loved me. We spent time together. We wrote to each other because we lived apart and cell phones weren't yet invented.

Obviously that little thing didn't work out. (although I did get 2 perfect children out of the deal).

Then I met another man. Patient. Thoughtful. Attentive. Communicative. Funny. Creative. Scary....

Too far away, other commitments, financial issues, family commitments - all these things combined led me to run. Twice.

Have I mentioned he's Patient?

My first "run" was about creating distance to evaluate my feelings. Did I want to move to Florida because of him? (this scared me) or did I want to move to Florida because I like Florida? I didn't want to make a Life Decision because of someone else - I wanted to make that decision because of ME. I decided I wanted to move because of ME. One issue solved.

My second "run" was about creating distance to evaluate my feelings. Wait - didn't I do that already? Right - but this time it was about evaluating how I felt about things going on in His life and whether I was equipped to deal with them. I also had to evaluate my life - am I comfortable being M.E./me or do I need to be a we?

While I was evaluating my feelings, He was evaluating his and making changes in his life. He tells me always that in everything we experience there is a lesson to be learned. Sometimes we do not learn the lesson, so Our Father sends us more experiences until we learn the lesson and evolve. Although I'm not sure we totally agree on this all the time, I think there is truth to this statement.

And so the ever-patient Man went on with his lessons while I went on with mine.

And one day I called him - it was more than missing "we" it was missing him - missing our friendship, missing our sharing, missing our caring. Was he ready to take a risk with me?

I'm not sure I've really evolved. I'm still scared - and not sure if I will ever lose that. I am still unsure of some things. Not sure if I will ever lose that. I am not sure he's too smart taking a risk on me - I'm not sure I would if I were him.

But I have talked to him and to Him and decided that I will Dare to Love. I'm not sure I'm very good at it. I think I still have a lot to learn when it comes to loving another adult in a "relationship." I'm pretty good at loving my kids and loving my family. But relationships? Not so good.

And so, I am putting it all out there - daring to love, making changes, living with the uncomfortable, and mostly, enjoying the wonderful Gift that is The Captain.


Gigi said...

It takes courage to make that leap - because it *is* scary.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Good for you! I hope it works out wonderfully.

ChiTown Girl said...

Woo-freakin-hoooo!!! I'm so happy for you two. There's a reason you two keep coming back together. How soon before you move to Florida?

JO said...

Grin. That is all. Just. Grin.

dkuroiwa said...

i'm with Jo....grinning. grinning really big...and sending you really good thoughts. i hope you get them.

Hula Girl at Heart said...

Yahoo! Go forth and be loved.