It's been 2 years since he moved out.
It's been 13 years since he said, "I don't love you. I don't think I ever did."
It's been 23 years since it hasn't been about Him.
And now, finally, it's going to be about Me. At least, that's what one of the leaders told me.
I have decided to join a group at church called "Rebuilding." It's about getting over the divorce and rebuilding my life.
Some of you may find this strange - after all, I have a lovely life, great kids, supportive family, and a fabulous boyfriend.
What you don't know is that I am the Great Pretender. Truly. And all is not well in Casa de Next Door. In fact, some days all is down-right not-right.
And I've decided that these feelings are silly - the feelings of failure, of anger, of sadness, of a lost life. My family tells me so. My friends tell me so. My bloggy friends often tell me so.
So now I will take a journey for me - to explore my feelings, to explore the past, to refocus my goals and to let go of the Ex. [Hmmm I sense a New Blog Title...] Let go of past dreams. Let go of anger. So much anger. Lots of anger. Just let it go. And rebuild Me.
I'm nervous - I like pretending that it's all ok. I like floating along one day after the other seeming to have direction. I like my witty, sarcastic self. I'm a bit afraid to dig deep into this Divorced Girl-Next-Door because, well, I'm thinking it's pretty shallow in here. And I have some filling in to do.
I'm thankful for the Group, for the friends I've already made in just 2 weeks. I'm thankful for the support of the Group and the Family. I'm thankful for the Captain who is not afraid of what I might find on the other side of Rebuilding.
And his lack of fear? Makes me more fearful. Of course that doesn't make sense. Unless you're me.
6 comments:
Honey, I think we were seperated at birth!! Good luck with the group. I hope it makes a difference, and help you move on. Then, I'll come visit, and you can tell me how the hell to do it myself! :(
This group sounds like a very good thing. The lack of fear makes sense: What to you really have to lose anymore in regards to Ex? Your feelings are NOT silly. Whatever your feelings, they are always valid. Remember that. You may never be able to completely "let go" of the Ex - you had those great kids together. BUT. His power over you and your feelings of failure, sadness and anger will diminish over time. Really! It will get easier.
This sounds just like what you NEED. And your silly thoughts, they are never silly. They are bothersome to you, hence your need to find the answers to the nagging questions.
Good luck. Let us share in the wisdom of your learning!
His lack of fear makes total sense when one sees you two together; enjoying what you have for as long or as short as you two deem necessary. The Captain is much more mature emotionally, though that's not really saying much, but you know what I mean.
You are also talking to "The Illusionist." The last line of that song is "Won't you step in my illusion." And letting someone in is the first step in rebuilding after you've been devastated emotionally and not sure if you are worth the time. Well, sis, you are worth the time. And I'm glad I'm not the only male that knows it.
As a fellow "great pretender" I think this group sound great. Your feelings are never silly, never wrong. Hope this group helps to heal your heart.
It's always worthwhile to explore your feelings--good for you for tackling these lingering feelings.
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