Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Preparing for LiftOff

For the past two years my blogging has helped me to look at life, to vent, to examine, to get feedback, to achieve vindication. When I started blogging, my divorce was raw, fresh, and constantly on my mind. I blogged to give family and friends a break from the constant complaining and sent my venting on the world, where bloggers could read or skip.

Right now, though, something else is all consuming and constantly on my mind, but I cannot face it and so I have not blogged.

I can't think about it without crying (like I am doing right now).

My head tells me it's a good thing. My heart however breaks.

Millions of parents go through it every year. It's a part of life.

It still breaks my heart.

Yes we are preparing to send the Twins to college. Two different colleges, one 250 miles away, one 550 miles away, both starting within a day of each other (at least the two schools are both south of home and therefore only 380 miles apart). There are medical forms, physicals, meal plan choices, cell phone upgrades, dorm room outfitting, budget talks, financial aid decisions, laptops, books, classes, schedules, transportation, hotels...the list seems endless. Multiply times two, add a divided household where Ex still refuses to talk, communicates when it suits him, emails but doesn't answer emails, and generally is an annoying jerk, and yeah, it's not really fun.

Add to that the kids are trying to get in their "last visits." Daughter will be gone for 2 weeks - one trip with high school friends, one trip with childhood friends. So this is my last week with her. I can't deny them their friends. But I want to say, "BUT THAT'S MY WEEK AND YOU CAN'T GO." Of course I won't say that.

And so I have nightmares of dropping them off and being alone.

I sit in my car and cry because I don't want them to see the tears.

Yes I am happy for them. Yes I am thrilled they are doing so well. Yes in a most twisted way I want them to go away to school, meet new people, travel new places.

I can't even type more at the moment....

Let me just say, I'M JUST GOING TO MISS THEM SO DARN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Two words. Winter Break!

Hang in there.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I agree with is going to be tough, but you can hang in there.
They are going to have a blast, and you can live vicariously through them. Hugs, Suz

ChiTown Girl said...

Aw, sweetheart, I'm sending you TONS of cyberhugs. I wish I could give them to you in person. :( I can't imagine how tough this is on you. I'm already sad about Stud leaving, and he hasn't even started his junior years yet! Hang in there, Cookie. They'll be home for Thanksgiving!

dkuroiwa said...

{{hugs}}...lots of you, my friend. it's amazing how one (or two, in your case) rite of passage can affect people differently. A long time ago, when I used to get homesick quite often, i made a list of the things i DIDN'T miss about home and kept it handy for when i felt sad...strangely enough, that helped a little.
and yeah, like Jenn and ChiTown Girl said....think holidays!!! ;-)

TAG said...

Been there, done that. (Well except my daughter wasn't a twin.)

We were best buddies. We did so much together.

Buck up girl. You have to focus on the fact that this is a good thing. You have done a terrific job making them into the outstanding young people they are today.

I'm not saying you won't miss them. You will like crazy. But you have to keep the focus where it needs to be. On giving them the best possible future.

You can't give in to the feelings of missing them. To do that invites disaster. At some point early in that first semester many parents get a call from a child who is struggling to adapt to all the new things. Many want to quit and come home. Please, please, please do not let them see how much you miss them. If you do that you give them an open door to quit and come home to the familiar.

You know yourself that college is about getting away from the familiar and learning new things. Keep them excited about their lives by letting them know that you are doing just fine without them. Inside you may be crying, but outside you have to be strong. Be strong because it is what they need.

All their lives you've given them what they need, even when they didn't want what was best for them. Now is not the time to break that habit.

Just some things to consider.


Hula Girl at Heart said...

I will be in your shoes in a year, and it recently hit me how close that is. I get choked up thinking about it.

that girl said...

I am new to reading your blog..I, too, am divorced. I was wondering where you were..I so enjoyed your posts. My kids are much younger but I envision the emotins you are experiencing. My kids are with their Dad in another state during the has been difficult at best. All I can offer is a, hey, hang in there. And keep on writing. It always helps to vent. Always!

Carol P. said...

Hang in there! I figure that our parents survived it; we will too. Parenting is one of those jobs that when done successfully means you're out of a job at the end. Easy for me to say though, since I still have 4 more years before the first one leaves (and then 5 years after that 'til the last one's out).

The elephant in my living room is different than the one in yours, but the net effect is the same: No inclination to blog, sigh.

Jason, as himself said...

Yep. I'm going through the same thing right fact she will be gone in 20 days.