For the past two years my blogging has helped me to look at life, to vent, to examine, to get feedback, to achieve vindication. When I started blogging, my divorce was raw, fresh, and constantly on my mind. I blogged to give family and friends a break from the constant complaining and sent my venting on the world, where bloggers could read or skip.
Right now, though, something else is all consuming and constantly on my mind, but I cannot face it and so I have not blogged.
I can't think about it without crying (like I am doing right now).
My head tells me it's a good thing. My heart however breaks.
Millions of parents go through it every year. It's a part of life.
It still breaks my heart.
Yes we are preparing to send the Twins to college. Two different colleges, one 250 miles away, one 550 miles away, both starting within a day of each other (at least the two schools are both south of home and therefore only 380 miles apart). There are medical forms, physicals, meal plan choices, cell phone upgrades, dorm room outfitting, budget talks, financial aid decisions, laptops, books, classes, schedules, transportation, hotels...the list seems endless. Multiply times two, add a divided household where Ex still refuses to talk, communicates when it suits him, emails but doesn't answer emails, and generally is an annoying jerk, and yeah, it's not really fun.
Add to that the kids are trying to get in their "last visits." Daughter will be gone for 2 weeks - one trip with high school friends, one trip with childhood friends. So this is my last week with her. I can't deny them their friends. But I want to say, "BUT THAT'S MY WEEK AND YOU CAN'T GO." Of course I won't say that.
And so I have nightmares of dropping them off and being alone.
I sit in my car and cry because I don't want them to see the tears.
Yes I am happy for them. Yes I am thrilled they are doing so well. Yes in a most twisted way I want them to go away to school, meet new people, travel new places.
I can't even type more at the moment....
Let me just say, I'M JUST GOING TO MISS THEM SO DARN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!