I laid back on the blanket for a moment and was struck with the most bizarre thought - what if Ex walked over with two glasses of champagne and offered one, with a soft kiss?
Now this is bizarre for lots of reasons:
- Ex has no clue how much I love champagne as I discovered it "after";
- Ex is at work;
- I lost any desire to Kiss Ex years ago;
- I am generally and almost totally glad to be rid of Ex;
- Contrary to someone-close-to-me's thoughts, I stopped loving Ex ages ago.
So where does this come from? And how does it manage to bring tears to my eyes in 3.2 seconds?
And I don't know that answer. Perhaps because I still hate being divorced - not that I want to be married to Ex (or to anyone in particular) but I am still saddened that my marriage ended in divorce. That's not how I was raised, that's not how I dreamed things would go, that's not how things are in my neighborhood or among most of my friends. And so as I sit in my neighborhood among the beautiful homes and acres of yards and flowers and families, I feel the failure. And I think how lovely it would be not to be divorced.
I hate filling out forms that ask marital status and hate checking off the box "Divorced."
I hate looking for colleges as a single parent.
I hate having a great reference for a divorce attorney based on personal experience.
I hate when people ask how come I don't wear a ring.
I hate referring to my kids' father as "my kids' father."
I hate saying, "My former in-laws."
All this despite the fact that he asked me for a divorce 13 years ago. Despite the fact that I am managing life, finances, fun all by myself. Despite the fact that he made me miserable and we made the kids miserable and I made him miserable. Despite the fact that at least once a month something happens which screams, "VINDICATED."
I wish it had worked out so that we could have liked each other.