And I would change....nothing.

The holidays were crazy, let's just say.  Lots of people, lots and lots and lots of food, some of which decided to take up permanent residence in my already growing hips.  Way too much alcohol.  I do like the chaos of my family, the singing, the games, the noise.

But I am glad to have the peace and quiet of our house back.  Just me and the Captain.

So today for some reason as I'm driving to work, I thought, "What would I change about the Captain if I could?"

And the answer?

Nothing.

Is he "perfect"? - for me, yes.  Does he have faults?  Of course, but they are what make him so adorable, so The Captain.

And that made me smile, all the rest of the day.

Ironically, Son called to chat midday.  Forget that I have a job and that after 2 weeks of sleeping everyone realized they needed me NOW.  Of course I put it all aside to talk to him.  And we got to talking about his Girlfriend (GF).  She is gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, sweet, quick witted.  But .... but she is very, very quiet and not at all who I ever envisioned for him.  And he recognizes the things in her he would like to change.  (although he knows he cannot).  And that's when I told him....I'd change nothing about the Captain.  Not that he should give up on GF.  There are events in her life that apparently caused her to go from more outgoing person to this shy person.  But he should remember what he wants, what's important, and he should know that 1) he can't change her; 2) there is a person out there for him that he'll look at and say, "I wouldn't change a thing." 

Perhaps GF is his ultimate perfection. If she isn't, I hope he doesn't sell himself (and her) short.

Because finding the person you would not change one bit?  Priceless.

Another Other Side of a Year

Once upon a Blog I posted THIS.  Indeed a year and a half ago I wondered about things like this:

  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

Most of that post was about the kids - how they had changed after a year of college - their bonds, our bonds.  And I was contemplating the big move to Florida - would we survive as a family unit?

Now I am at the other side of a year and I think perhaps some of you are wondering how things are going. (Thank you Chitown Girl for hanging in there and checking in, even when I didn't respond....)


A little over a year ago when we all started contemplating Christmas plans for 2011, I was again stressing, terrified, stewing.  OK OK I was overanalyizing and obsessing (happy mom?!).  Would the kids feel comfortable in the "new" house?  How would they do when the Captain's kids came for Christmas?  How would they intermingle with the Captain's family?  Would it feel like Christmas?  Would they come....and would they ever come back.

I wrote the kids both a long email about the upcoming holidays 2011.  I laid it all out for them - how I felt about them, how important they were, but how I had to get on with my life, too.

They responded in a way that shocked me, but honestly it should not have.  They responded with love, with caring, and with a little bit of the Family Sarcasm, "Really mom?  You stress too much.  We love you.  We love the Captain.  It's all good."

The holidays were wonderful.  We took them sailing for New Year's Eve and Son, who has been sailing since 2 years old said, "This is the BEST sailing ever!"  Yes, the Captain is a bit more of a free spirit on the boat than my old family and I have to say, sailing is a lot of fun.

Spring break came, and so did the kids.  Lots of them.  Our tiny 3 bedroom beach house had 8 college kids (well mostly just 6, but one night we had some extras).  They shared one bathroom, did the towels, did the grocery shopping, shaped up one night when I ranted about the mess I was tired of coming home to after a long day at work, and generally we had a BLAST.

 

Fast forward to summer and where did Daughter opt to live?  In Sunny Florida with me!  Yes it was hard for her - her friends were in MD, she was lonely.  But she got a great job, her friends came to visit, we had a blow out week(s) of celebration when her brother, his girlfriend, and his best friend came for almost 2 weeks right before she went to spend the semester abroad.

 

Son then opted NOT to go back to school.  And where does he live?  Why right here with me in sunny Florida!  Yes he is bored many times.  But he found a job, has saved a signficant amount of money (no one to go play and party with!) and he has gotten his stuff together to go study abroad next semester just like Sister!!

 

This year the holidays again are at my house.  Their dad is a bit of a Grinch so they say.  And this year Son declared, "this Christmas is going to be the best ever.  It won't be all, 'Hey nice house Captain and nice to meet your son,' it will be 'Hey Forr Good to see you again I missed you!' and jokes and shopping with the Captain.  Great times mom!" 

 

Just days after Christmas, Daughter and Son will leave for dad's house.  I will see Daughter sometime in January to deliver the car she uses (she flies to his house, he drives her to school).  I will see Daughter in the spring for the annual Bridge Run.  Son will be off to Spain and I'm not sure when I'll see him.  They have both decided to take summer classes - he to catch up, she to add a couple more languages to her life (4 is not enough?!). 

 

The old me would have sweated the future, "When will I see them again?  Do they love me?  Do they regret this move?"  The new me knows unequivocally that my children and I share a very special, very strong bond.  We will weather any storm together.  And even if they live 1/2 way around the world, our hearts will always be together.

 

Yes indeed the other side of another year is looking very bright.

 

Day One of Birth Week

Tonight I came home to something awesomely Wonderful - the Captain.**

Oh right, I forgot.  I live with him.

And then, after he fed me an awesome dinner of greek olives and hummus and cheese and fish and salad and stuff, we sat down to watch a horrible football game.... I love football, this one was horrible.  Nuf Said.

And then he said, 'OH I forgot.  I have something for you!"

And he gave me this. 

I was a little confused.  Then he said, "It's your birth week. "

And I remembered reason number 38 why I love him.

And I went to put some lotion on so he could feel how soft I am.....

Night Night.

**note "day one" wasn't exactly today but with the issues with Chessie I'm a few days behind.  But Monday was day one.  Believe me it was an awesome week.....**

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes life doesn't always go as you planned.  Sometimes life throws you curves.

Queen bee, she only cared about whether you were throwing a ball or a treat. 

Curves?  Bah.  No such thing.

Queen Bee was my mother's day present in May of 1999.  She came at the end of my first year of law school.

We spent the summer together, me loving my newest baby, her learning to be a part of a family.

She was born in a drought - I remember when it finally rained, I had to take her out under an umbrella - she would NOT go outside.

Queen Bee was my baby and our family's rock through many tough years.

When we divorced, Queen Bee provided the stability to the children, changing houses with the kids to give them the support they needed.

When the kids went to college, she was my constant friend and companion, keeping me occupied and giving me the strength I needed to carry on.

When I finally made the move south, the was right there with me through all 1070 miles.  She was a little worse for wear, and I had a feeling she was just not right, but yet she kept on.

Last week, I couldn't ignore it any more.  We went to the vet.  At first, it was just arthritis.  But tests revealed something much more sinister - Cancer.

We took her home, not sure how many days she had left.  We decided to bring her home and make her last days great. 

We took her to the beach.  We fed her pasta and steak and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

She said no thanks to the rum.

But tonight, after a gigantic dinner of cheese and crackers and tomatos and pasta and hummus, she went to her bed. 

She didn't look right.

I took her outside, where she collapsed.

We called the vet who met us at the clinic.  Where he confirmed her spleen had ruptured and it was time to say goodbye.

For anyone who has loved a pet, you know the pain of "doing what's best."  I couldn't let her suffer another minute and I let her go.

As I sit here in tears, remembering the best dog of all time, I remember what made her great. 

I remember how she taught herself to open the pantry so that she would never go hungry, even if it meant eating Lipton Onion Soup from a dry pouch for the few hours she was left home alone.

I remember how she went sledding with us in the winter, pulling the kids down the street.

I remember how she curled up with me in my bed when I was alone.

I remember the patient posing for for hundreds of photos - first and last day of school particularly.

I remember your tolerance as we dressed you as "SuperDog" and in other crazy costumes.

I remember how she ate 2 pounds of Godiva chocolate that I unwittingly wrapped and put beneath the tree, not thinking about her penchant for chocolate.  Yes, she survived.

I remember how she sat on the small bank in my backyard on the edge of the line between my house and Pop's next door (before the Ex lived there) and would watch for him.  The minute he passed by the back door, she went nuts until he came over to play.

I remember how much she LOVED her grandparents and quickly learned that when Grandpa took out his cigarettes it meant, "Time to go OUTSIDE!"

I remember how she accepted Stinky Butt from the moment we brought her home.

I remember how she filled up the lonely space inside me when I was alone.

Goodnight Chessie.  I hope you find the land of neverending waves and bottomless bowls of steak.

Thanks for delivering me safely to Florida and the Captain.  You are the best friend and best dog ever.  Always.

About Living with the Captain

Some of you have commented or asked if I am living with the Captain.

Well yes, yes I am.  And No, no I'm not. 

What?

The Captain has kept a place of his own, but really, we are living together.  We didn't plan it that way, but it just sort of happened when plans started changing and lives started changing and houses sold but then they didn't and buying became renting.  His "place" is his boat - which he has lived on in the past and loves to do, but I am not ready to live on a boat.  He lives on it now and then and figures when my kids come home, he may disappear for a couple days.  Or maybe not.  But he has that option, because he is amazingly thoughtful and careful in his life.

Living with the Captain is an amazing experience.  Last weekend, I chased the Hurricane to Charleston to visit Daughter at school and trade cars with her.  While we were going to the beach and shopping and eating out and dancing and generally enjoying ourselves, the Captain did the following, (without being asked):

• Installed a shelf in the guest bath
• Installed a new curtain rod in the guest bath
• Installed a dimmer switch in our bathroom
• Fixed the hinges on the fence so that Queen Bee can't let herself out
• installed my stereo system and surround sound speakers
• built stands for the 4 Surround Sound Speakers
• Unpacked all the TV/Stereo stuff, got the whole internet/tv/netflix thing working and put all the boxes away so that the living/family room almost looks like a room and not a college dorm
• installed under the counter lights in the kitchen near the stove and cooking areas
• Fixed the wi-fi in the house
• Did laundry
• went shopping
• Did a dozen other things I have forgotten at the moment.

The Captain is thoughtful, caring and utterly amazing.

And when I called him on my way home to inform him that I had been "delayed"?  He worried about the car - I said, "No, um, I hit a little traffic.  Then I stopped to get gas....across the street from the outlets and I had to go buy shoes and clothes and a new Kate Spade purse...."  He laughed and said, "I can't wait to see everything."  And he meant it.  When I got home and showed him my new Cole Haan shoes that I practically stole from the outlet?  ($1000 of shoes for $200?  Yes I did!!), his response was, "Those are beautiful!  Try them on for me!"  Not kidding.

Yes, I love living with the Captain. 

And no, I don't have pictures of the shoes.  Yet.

Moving On....

Word is out.  I'm moving.

What's that you say, you know my house is for sale?

No, I'm seriously moving on.

To Florida!  YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT!

I am so excited.  Scared.  Happy.  Eager.  A bit anxious.

I have a new job in Florida working "in-house" which means no more billable hours, no more marketing,  no more cool shoes because I can't afford them  - oh well.

Yes, I am moving closer to the Captain.  A.  Lot.  Closer.  We are not sure yet if we are sharing a roof.  But we are definitely going to be in the same town.  Imagine.  Dinner together.  Perhaps Breakfasts together.  Working out together.  Maybe catching a movie.  Doing chores.  Gardening.  Trips to Home Depot. 

I seriously cannot wait.

I told BossMan yesterday that I am leaving.  It was really really hard to do.  I do love my Big DC Firm.  I love my friends here (9 years worth!).  I have a great firm and my practice group is one of the best in the country in our practice area.  I have a LOT of friends here.  And it will be hard to leave.

They have tried to woo me back.  But they just can't compete with the CAPTAIN!

I am not moving until the end of July/beginning of August.  I still have a house to sell.  I have kids coming from Spain in July.  But I am leaving my Firm June 10, flying to Ft. Lauderdale June 10, picking up my new laptop and new blackberry and a pile of cases June 13, and flying back to MD June 15 where I will "work from home" until late July.  Sweet deal.

It's an adventure to be sure.  It's a lot of change all at once, but changes I have been contemplating for years.  I think it's the right thing, the right opportunity, and I'm excited!  When I'm not trembling. 

And? My Firm offered me a safety net - in writing - that if it doesn't work out, I can come "home."  I told you it's an awesome place that will be hard to leave.

But coming home from work and looking out on the water, hold the Captain's hand and staring out at the sunset?  Priceless 

Yes the "Change the title of the Blog" contest is still on - so now this gives you more ideas, right?  You still have until June 1 to suggest titles!!!!

The Other Side of a Year

It seems like just yesterday we were saying goodbye.

Somehow I find myself back home with two kids and Chaos (not complaining!) and wondering where the year has gone.

Some striking changes: 

• Son's maturity.  Suddenly he is putting others first.  On his first full day home, he mowed both lawns (without being asked) and completed numerous other tasks.  His attention to detail and initiative is amazing.  He has always been good about helping around the house, but this was pretty amazing.
• Daughter's Diligence:  She has always been pretty organized - when she was about 7 she handed me a list one month before her birthday of people to invite, games to play, and food to serve.  But she has demonstrated a diligence to her school work and building her resume that I have never before witnessed.  Her grade point average is astounding to say the least, never mind the volunteering at the Humane Society and other volunteer activities.
• Twin Love:  I wondered how they would be separated by many miles and many hours.  When they lived home, Son was a clinger, Daughter a Loner.  Turns out they skyped/texted/called each other at least daily.  When one was in crisis, the immediate call was to the Other.  I had hoped this day would come - they sometimes did it in high school, but not often.  I am thrilled they truly love and care about each other so much.  I figured they had it in them, but I'm so happy to see it proved out.
• Children as Friends:  This is a tough one - I have always enjoyed doing activities with them, but as the parent you have to maintain the "responsible, authority figure."  The fact is, they've been away at school for a year, making decisions, staying out all night, "probably" doing slightly unlawful things.  They are not going to return home to the midnight curfew and choir boy lifestyle (ha ha I know they weren't choir boys in high school, but honestly they were pretty close).  I am trying to walk that balance of the new reality with "but you're in my house now."  This conflict of The College Student Returns Home is the Number One thing I've always heard college kids AND parents complain about - so far it is working for us - and I am LOVING hanging out with them even more!

Big changes are on the horizon, but I still can't share in the public forum yet.  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

When Chaos = Peace

Are you sick of hearing about my kids yet?

too bad

The other night I was surrounded by total chaos. 

It started when my cousin DF, who travels for his job, said he'd be in my area.  I love it when he can stop by, so of course I said YES. 

Then it turned out Daughter would be home.  YEAH

Then it turned out Daughter invited a couple friends to sleep over because they were going to get up Friday and drive to UDel to visit another friend.  Of course I said YES!
 
Then Daughter informed me her college friend/roommate and her sister would be in town and gee could they come by.  And sleep over.  YES!

Daughter volunteered to make dinner.  Daughter has had a few kitchen disasters in the past, but she keeps trying.  I left her with my recipe for Chicken Marsala (her favorite) which isn't totally hard but not exactly easy.  I wrote out three or four additional tidbits and tips for getting it right.  And said a prayer.  And left her an easy baked ziti recipe for her veggie friends.  I left her the credit card to go grocery shopping and asked her to make up every bed she could find. 

And I went to work.

I called at 1pm to see how things were going - friends were supposed to start coming around 3. 

She was asleep.  Napping.  Hadn't done a thing yet.  KIDS!

I got home at 6, dinner was to be at 7.  Various kids were around, helping to set the table.  Dinner was done and in the fridge waiting for a warm up.  Then she had to disappear to the metro to get yet another child.

As we called everyone to dinner, SON showed up from college!!!!  A few hours early!!  YES!!!  There was tackling on the front lawn and hoots and hollers.  And a big hug for Mama.

Then Tor Tor, high school buddy, showed up (angry with me about the For Sale sign, another story).  YES!

Not sure how many we ended up with.  The first dinner shift was 10.  Stragglers came and went all night.

After dinner, DF surprised me with my remade wedding quilt (that needs a post all its own!!)  Yes of course I cried.  duh.

Son played the piano and kids attempted to swing dance before heading to the basement for scary movies.

At about 11pm DF and I took on two of the kids in a mean game of monopoly.  All kinds of crazy rules from our childhoods - but we still managed to lose!

YES IT WAS TOTAL CHAOS - AND MY HEART FELT SUCH PEACE!!!


At 1pm, I finally had to say goodnight to DF and sadly go to BED!

5:30 am came early.  Too early.  So I went back to bed until 6 which meant scrambling to get out the door. 

It was all so worth it.  I discovered yet another kid in yet another bed that I didn't know was sleeping over.  And smiled.

The house was reasonably in tact when I got home Friday night.  And deathly quiet. Yuck.

I am so looking forward to this summer!!!!

A New Kind of Pain

When they were 2 weeks old and the doctor gave them their first shots, my heart broke to hear them scream, but I knew it was ultimately "good" for them.  I gave them Tylenol, held them close, and soothed them until the tears stopped.

When they first started toddling and fell down and skinned a knee or bumped their head, my heart hurt a little at their pain, but I knew they were learning and growing in a necessary way.  I kissed the boo-boo and cheered their new accomplishment until they clapped instead of cried.

When Son ran down the slide at 3 years old and broke his femur and spent a month in a hospital in Barcelona, I thought my heart would never recover.  Every pain he felt, I felt.  Every x-ray, every bad hospital meal, every shot, tore at my heart.  I wanted to be the one with the broken leg.  I held him, brought him games and books, and with the huge loving support of family, we made sure he had adult family attention 24/7. 

When they came home from school crying because So-And-So said they were ugly/stupid/dumb/boring and wouldn't play with them, my heart broke at their pain.  I held them and talked to them about how sometimes people say things that aren't nice.  I helped them learn to cope with the rejection and to learn from it so that they could be nice to others and not hurt others like they were hurting.

Through the stitches, the illnesses, the wisdom teeth, the rejections, the braces, the shots, the bumps and bruises, my heart broke a little each time they were hurt.  Usually I could gather them up in my arms, sooth away the pain, and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Little did I know that the first broken heart would break my heart almost in two.

When Daughter called Sunday night in tears over her recent breakup, I felt paralyzed.  She was 550 miles away, it was Sunday night, I had to work the next day, I'd be down there in a week (as previously planned) to bring her home for the summer.

None of that mattered.

What mattered was my Daughter was sobbing, broken-hearted, and alone.  550 long miles away.  And I couldn't get there.

And my heart broke.

I tried to think of the right things to say - to acknowledge the pain, to acknowledge the Boy's mistake, to lift her up reminding her what a FABULOUS person she is, and to tell her that yes, it sucks today, but tomorrow will be a little better.  And the next day a little better than that one.

And when she said, "But what do I DO mom?  How do I handle this?  I wish you could be here right now."  My heart stopped for a second.  I wanted to hop a plane, gather her in my arms, and sooth her aching heart.  Then I remembered, this is part of her growng up.  Just like the skinned knees and the braces.  I congratulated her on her maturity at seeing the breakup for what it was.  I reminded her she's loved beyond all belief.  I told her I'd be there in a week and it would all be good.  I suggested she surround herself with friends, keep busy, eat healthy, and try not to think about him every 37 seconds.

Then I hung up the phone and cried like a baby.  For my baby.

Monday, I sent her flowers reminding her that I love her Bunches and Bunches.

Who knew her heart break would break mine, too?

A New Kind of Love

Some think I am a bit bizarre. But I have found at least one who shares my love.

Yes, new love, new discoveries.

I haven't come up with a name for it yet.

"Cottage Salsa"? ""Hot cottage"? "Mexican Cottage"?

Whatever you call it, I call it bliss.

Take fat free cottage cheese. Mix in medium spicey store brand (Giant) salsa (it has corn and beans in it, delectable). And eat.

Most scoff at me. One friend at work stopped laughing long enough to pick up a spoon.

I am the next Emeril. Try it. I dare you.

and oh shoosh it doesn't matter if I might have discovered this one night after quite a few drinks. It tastes good even without the tequila. So be quiet.

Today They Are Adults

Sigh today I am officially the parent of adults. But they will always be my babies.....

Happy Birthday to the Best Kids in the Universe! Love, Mom

The One About the Captain

Once upon a time I married a man who turned out not to be such a great choice for me. He didn't speak to me, didn't treat me with respect, didn't love me, didn't like me. So 20 years later I finally got up the nerve to give him the divorce he asked for ...11 years earlier.

About that same time, I met a man who clearly was not real but had to be from a Fairy Tale. He was easy going, non-judgmental, wise, caring, loving, funny, adorable, handsome, handy, smart, creative, and he liked me for me, not who he thought I could be some day.

One day I woke up after spending a couple years flying around the country to catch glimpses of this Fairy Tale Man and began to wonder if it was all really true or if perhaps it was a Fairy Tale. I realized that for most of my life and definitely all of my adult life, I have fitted myself into another person's (Man's) life and taken on his life as mine.

One day I woke up and wondered what it would be like just to live my life. To figure out my goals, to manage my job, to tend to my kids, to deal with my own stress and triumphs and losses, without leaning on another human being (Man) to help me cope.

Because I began to wonder what I was really made of, what really mattered to me, and what I might truly want out of my life.

And so I told the Fairy Tale Man that I needed to let him go for a little while. Maybe even forever.

At first Fairy Tale Man was not happy with me. He did not understand, because he never pushed his life on me, or made me do things I didn't want to, or judged me. He just listened. A lot. And talked to me. A lot. And shared things with me. Always.

But then, because he is the amazing Fairy Tale Man, he managed to put himself in my shoes, feel my feelings, and totally understood why I needed to be by myself for a while. or maybe forever.

Which naturally made me think I was completely losing it, losing him, losing my mind, and taking a stupid, stupid step.

But I did it anyway.

And so, as part of Taking Back My Life, I am going it alone. For at least a little while. Although Fairy Tale Man manages to keep in touch in the most caring ways. And I manage to call him. A Lot. And he always answers. Because first and foremost, He is my Friend. I hope I am fortunate enough to always have him as my Friend. Even though I do not deserve that.

Memories Amid the Rubble

Two Mismatched Earrings in the Bathroom.

Wet Towels on the Bed.

One Piece of Pumpkin bread and 1/2 a serving of Chicken Marsala.

The oily plate with crumbs from Tortilla Espanola.

Shoes in the Kitchen.

flip flops everywhere.

The playing cards out on the counter.

Trundle Bed pulled out.

Wires where the XBOX was.

Dirty Clothes you don't need before Thanksgiving.

Ooops what's that - a cell phone?

Going from room to room, picking up the pieces the two of you left behind. If I listen I can almost hear the ruckus of you and your friends, singing, dancing, teasing, telling jokes, playing games, making me laugh. This looks nothing like it did Thursday night before your arrival when freshly baked favorites awaited your arrival, everything vacuumed, cleaned and polished. (And yes, you noticed!!) Now it's Tuesday and you've both left - one in a car, one on a plane. I know you'll be back in 5 weeks, but the silence? It's deafening....

Yeah this is How I Feel Today - (but NOT about the EX!)

At least it's filmed in Beautiful Charleston

Apparently, I did something Right

Friday in the mail I received perhaps one of the sweetest, most thoughtful, most important gifts of my life: a letter from my daughter.

She wrote me a poem about the things I mean to her and have done for her. She included an envelope decorated with her poem. The last line of the poem said, "Thank you for....." with instructions that if I ever doubted that I am "the best," I am to reach inside and grab a reminder.

Inside are many (a hundred? more?) little strips of paper that say things like, "For setting the microwave timer for 30 minutes." [that's how long they had to practice piano, whether they wanted to or not. They both LOVE to play now and are thankful for my dictatorship on that point.] Some points are recent memories, "For the multiple trips to Target to make sure my dorm room is just right." Others are distant memories or things I had even forgotten. There are general ones and specific ones, funny ones and thoughtful ones. I have resisted the urge to sit down and read them all at once. Instead I will attempt to savor her gift and reach in the bag when I'm feeling less than my best.

And of course I'll only reach in when it's safe to cry. Because this gift? Brings tears to my eyes.

Apparently, I did something right. And I give all the credit to God for the wonderful gift that is her. I know I don't deserve her, but I do thank Him for her (and my Son) every day of my life.

Oh and? I'm totally stealing this idea....


FYI this wasn't a random mailing - it was part of my birthday gift.

The Momentus Move

She packed her bags last night pre flight...zero hour nine am...(that's elton john for you who are lost)

Last first day of school photo or something like that...hugging the doggies goodbye....

Many hours later, arriving at school number 1.. in the rain

Au takes charge and starts unpacking

Getting the loft in place and all the pieces put together....

saying goodbye and trying not to cry

And now college #2.....what a nice bed!

Psyche this is the boss's house at the beach...

the little room overlooking the marsh........

a long day of travel means we need to relax at the beach...so warm like bath water

alas time to move in..."Mom stop taking photos and carry the stuff!!"

Here's my door - can I open it....

We've dumped the stuff...now to organize it...

Sammy is the best friend ever - drove 1400 miles and moved us both in~!

Last hug for a couple months....have fun baby!!!!!!

Fragile Teens

They walk like kings and queens, relishing their soon-to-be freedom. They soak up the compliments on their achievements, seemingly ready to conquer their new school, make new friends, climb to the top of the hill again. They make friends quickly at orientation, figure out how to switch classes before I have even figured out how to read their schedule, confidently take you across the maze of campus to the next session, whiz through BB&B choosing sheets, comforters, message boards, organizational tools. You hold back the tears and the sadness and embrace their new selves. You cheer them on and hope you don't miss them too much.

Until they stand in the kitchen at midnight, crying and telling you how much college is going to suck. How they don't want to leave their friends, their past, their buddies. How they cannot possibly face these challenging new classes, live in a 12 x 12 "cage" and succeed at anything. It is all overwhelming.

And you want to shrink them down to a 5YO size, put them in your lap, cuddle them like you did before they went off to kindergarten, and tell them that it will all be ok. And you'll always be here for them. That life is full of choices and this is but one. If it works out, it will be great. And if this choice doesn't work out, another will come along, and that will be great.

Instead you hug them, cry with them, point out the benefits of going to college now with Facebook and Skyping and cell phones, not like I did, I had to WRITE SNAIL MAIL every single day to my best friend. I couldn't afford to call him. [this was unfathomable to the Teen] And I missed him like someone had cut off my right hand. But I did make new friends - friends I have kept for 25 years, even after moving around the world and back. You try to explain that their life is a big pot of mixing in ingredients, simmering the old, adding the new, making this great creation, growing this wonderful person. You admit it is scary and a little bit sad, but mostly an awesome opportunity.

And you send them to bed with hugs and reassurances, and then cry yourself to sleep wondering if you have done the right thing, given them the right tools, loved them enough so that they will know they can ALWAYS come home to Mama.

Preparing for LiftOff

For the past two years my blogging has helped me to look at life, to vent, to examine, to get feedback, to achieve vindication. When I started blogging, my divorce was raw, fresh, and constantly on my mind. I blogged to give family and friends a break from the constant complaining and sent my venting on the world, where bloggers could read or skip.

Right now, though, something else is all consuming and constantly on my mind, but I cannot face it and so I have not blogged.

I can't think about it without crying (like I am doing right now).

My head tells me it's a good thing. My heart however breaks.

Millions of parents go through it every year. It's a part of life.

It still breaks my heart.

Yes we are preparing to send the Twins to college. Two different colleges, one 250 miles away, one 550 miles away, both starting within a day of each other (at least the two schools are both south of home and therefore only 380 miles apart). There are medical forms, physicals, meal plan choices, cell phone upgrades, dorm room outfitting, budget talks, financial aid decisions, laptops, books, classes, schedules, transportation, hotels...the list seems endless. Multiply times two, add a divided household where Ex still refuses to talk, communicates when it suits him, emails but doesn't answer emails, and generally is an annoying jerk, and yeah, it's not really fun.

Add to that the kids are trying to get in their "last visits." Daughter will be gone for 2 weeks - one trip with high school friends, one trip with childhood friends. So this is my last week with her. I can't deny them their friends. But I want to say, "BUT THAT'S MY WEEK AND YOU CAN'T GO." Of course I won't say that.

And so I have nightmares of dropping them off and being alone.

I sit in my car and cry because I don't want them to see the tears.

Yes I am happy for them. Yes I am thrilled they are doing so well. Yes in a most twisted way I want them to go away to school, meet new people, travel new places.

I can't even type more at the moment....

Let me just say, I'M JUST GOING TO MISS THEM SO DARN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When it's so good you cry

I'm a crier. I cry when things are good. I cry when things are not good. I cry when things are sappy and sentimental. So naturally I cry when my kids' band plays so well .... well, it makes me cry!

Last week I chaperoned their "Performing Arts" trip to Toronto Canada. What would posses me to get on a bus with 90 High school kids, 6 teachers (4 of whom have no kids of their own, 2 of whom are too young and inexperienced to really understand high school kids), and 4 parents and drive 14 hours each way? Because my kids asked me to.

We stopped at Niagara Falls on the way up - cold in April, let me tell you. But truly spectacular.


Then we drove "80 minutes" to Toronto. Unless it's rush hour. Then it's 2 1/2 hours. With Hungry Teenagers. Bad combination.

Toronto was beautiful, although we didn't see much of it except outside the bus windows.

Friday we went to Toronto University for the competition. First our acapella group took the stage - they were amazing. My twins aren't in that - just my "other" kids. I was so proud!! Then the Wind Ensemble took the stage. After the first song I let out a "Holy Crap!" And Brother Mark was sitting in front of me....oops sorry Brother Mark. (Yes they go to a private, Catholic school). But seriously? They were that good. Then the second song Blew. Me. Away. Including Daughter's solo that she failed to mention. And so? I cried. They were that good. And I was that proud. And this is their last trip. And they're graduating in 36 days.

So yes, I cried. And my Daugther mocked me. Go ahead. Some day you will see when you have a Daughter of your own.....

excuse me, I need to go find a tissue.

Beautiful Blogger Award

Aw thanks BigCityDad!

Yes Props to me because "You've got to be kidding!' [living next door to ex]. Yes at first I thought it was a great idea. Now I can't wait to move. Not for any specific reason - more just a space issue in general. So thanks for coming by and noticing!

Of course in the bloggy world, getting means giving. But First, I'm supposed to tell you 7 things about me you don't know. That might be hard, because I'm pretty much an open book here (isn't that the point of blogging? Ok for my kind of blog anyway).

1. For a hard-ass lawyer, I cry about everything. I remember crying during the McDonald's commercial on the last episode of M*A*S*H - the one where the big brother gave the little sister his last french fry? Because I was in middle school and my Big Bro was in high school and I loved him like that and hoped he loved me like that, too. So Sentimental? Um yeah, that's me.

2. other people's blood makes me want to die (OK Captain so you knew this - maybe lots of people don't). When Son smashed his fingers in the neighbor's door at 3 years old and took the tips off his fingers, neighbor didn't know whether to tend to screaming child or passing-out mama.

3. I fantasize about having a gazillion kids. Philosopher Mom? She's my hero. 9 kids, phd, awesome person. I wanted 12 kids when I was a kid - after reading "Cheaper by the dozen." When I got married I wanted 6, Ex wanted 1. After many years of trying, I got a 2-for-1 special and we quit there. Many days I regret that - but it would have had to be many kids with a different Man.

4. I fantasize about singing like Kelly Clarkson or Barbara Streisand. I know I can't sing for crap and that it sometimes hurts people's ears to listen, but in my shower or a crowded bar full of drunk people? I AM the next American Idol! And no matter the song, I know ALL the words. It's a gift. Some call me the Human Radio (wait is that two things?)

5. I'm going to die when my kids go to college. OH don't give me that "freedom" and "they're growing" and "next stage" crap. I'm going to die. They are so awesome and I love it that when they are with me so are all their friends. My house is so crowded with overflowing shoes and food wrappers and soda cans and laughter and hugs, I love it. There I said it.

6. I love football and wish I had been a boy - a big boy - just so that I could've strapped on the pads and done some serious headknocking. Boys got all the fun sports. I played in the neighborhood until middle school when it became uncool for boys to be tackling me. Man I missed the many hours of playing "kill the man with the ball." Being a girl sucked then.

7. I love tonic water. OK sometimes with Gin or Rum, but I also love plain tonic water (diet even!). It's yummy. Add a splash of lime juice and it is awesome. Really.
So now bloggers I admire!

Wow that's hard - I love everyone. But I am going to choose the unusual - none of my commenters! They all know I love them to pieces and they are loyal fans. And win lots of awards. Here are my newbies:

1. My friend started a money advice blog at The Money Heifer. Now my friend is not a multi-million dollar salary earner.** She works for the government, is single, and is the most amazing, talented, dedicated saver I have ever met. She's an awesome friend, too. Check her out - she is wise on the money issues let me tell you! **edited to add: I mean this as the highest compliment - I think it's easy for "big money" people to tout advice that may or may not be "real." The Money Heifer, however, is someone we can relate to, someone who shows us that we can do this just as she has! I realized after writing this that this might have come out as less than a compliment!

2. OK This is how pathetic I am lately - I am going to name EVERYONE ELSE to Beautiful Blogger. Because truthfully? Although I always give the award to the same people (I am such a non-reacher-outer) I love my bloggy buddies. I Love Cheri (who I wish would write more b/c she's amazing), I love my cousin JO for too many reasons to list, I love Suzy who has such energy and ORGANIZATION and lives in a warm climate, I love Jenn who is truly Juggling life, Katydidnot makes me laugh out loud and spit things out my nose, ChiTown girl makes me think twice about hating the cold Chicago weather, Bumpkin stops by and cheers me up, Debbie at Etc Etc Etc cracks me up but makes me feel badly for being a wimp about life when she's living 1/2 way around the world from her peeps and thriving!, Loving Jason and his unique family because his courage sometimes make me cry and often makes me laugh, I love my cousin DF for his wisdom and telling me the hard things sometimes, I love and am amazed at my cousin at DuckFeet who keeps it all together in her uber-brilliant way, (My cousins taught me to blog by the way!), I love HulaGirl for her Buffet-ways and her awesome photos. I know I forgot some (add Philosopher Mom Here).... You can all claim the button (or not) and play along (or not). No worries.

Thanks again BigCityDad. So Nice to make new friends in the BlogOSphere.