The Other Side of a Year

It seems like just yesterday we were saying goodbye.

Somehow I find myself back home with two kids and Chaos (not complaining!) and wondering where the year has gone.

Some striking changes: 

• Son's maturity.  Suddenly he is putting others first.  On his first full day home, he mowed both lawns (without being asked) and completed numerous other tasks.  His attention to detail and initiative is amazing.  He has always been good about helping around the house, but this was pretty amazing.
• Daughter's Diligence:  She has always been pretty organized - when she was about 7 she handed me a list one month before her birthday of people to invite, games to play, and food to serve.  But she has demonstrated a diligence to her school work and building her resume that I have never before witnessed.  Her grade point average is astounding to say the least, never mind the volunteering at the Humane Society and other volunteer activities.
• Twin Love:  I wondered how they would be separated by many miles and many hours.  When they lived home, Son was a clinger, Daughter a Loner.  Turns out they skyped/texted/called each other at least daily.  When one was in crisis, the immediate call was to the Other.  I had hoped this day would come - they sometimes did it in high school, but not often.  I am thrilled they truly love and care about each other so much.  I figured they had it in them, but I'm so happy to see it proved out.
• Children as Friends:  This is a tough one - I have always enjoyed doing activities with them, but as the parent you have to maintain the "responsible, authority figure."  The fact is, they've been away at school for a year, making decisions, staying out all night, "probably" doing slightly unlawful things.  They are not going to return home to the midnight curfew and choir boy lifestyle (ha ha I know they weren't choir boys in high school, but honestly they were pretty close).  I am trying to walk that balance of the new reality with "but you're in my house now."  This conflict of The College Student Returns Home is the Number One thing I've always heard college kids AND parents complain about - so far it is working for us - and I am LOVING hanging out with them even more!

Big changes are on the horizon, but I still can't share in the public forum yet.  Next year is sure to be rather momentous for all of us.  I can only hope that a year from now, I am again celebrating our strong bonds and our accomplishments!

Making Yourself Cry

Do you ever do really stupid things that you know are going to make you cry, but you do them anyway?

It's no secret (I hope) that I love my kids. I'm caught in this weird place where I am so happy for them that they are off at college, learning, experiencing things, loving life, but yet I miss them every single day so much it hurts. Of course I can't tell them that - when they call or text or Facebook chat or skype (I know, really, how can I miss them with all that going on?!) - I pretend all is just great with the world.

And then I hang up the phone, and do something stupid like pull out their scrapbook, or stalk their high school photos on Facebook, or listen to This Song. And I sit and cry.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I'm going to cry. My face is going to get blotchy. My nose will run. My eyes get red and puffy.

And yet? I can't stop myself.

Sometimes I think if I just cry and get it over with, then I'll get over it and feel better. But it never works. I just miss them more and now look as gross as I feel.

Am I a dork or what?!

That was a rhetorical question Big Bro' and Jo...you needn't answer out loud.

Memories Amid the Rubble

Two Mismatched Earrings in the Bathroom.

Wet Towels on the Bed.

One Piece of Pumpkin bread and 1/2 a serving of Chicken Marsala.

The oily plate with crumbs from Tortilla Espanola.

Shoes in the Kitchen.

flip flops everywhere.

The playing cards out on the counter.

Trundle Bed pulled out.

Wires where the XBOX was.

Dirty Clothes you don't need before Thanksgiving.

Ooops what's that - a cell phone?

Going from room to room, picking up the pieces the two of you left behind. If I listen I can almost hear the ruckus of you and your friends, singing, dancing, teasing, telling jokes, playing games, making me laugh. This looks nothing like it did Thursday night before your arrival when freshly baked favorites awaited your arrival, everything vacuumed, cleaned and polished. (And yes, you noticed!!) Now it's Tuesday and you've both left - one in a car, one on a plane. I know you'll be back in 5 weeks, but the silence? It's deafening....

Balancing Act

The kids are in college - they are adults and yet, they are my babies.



Still trying to find that middle ground where it all balances out. I am working on it, yet I can't seem to find it. Have you found it?



For example, I went to see Daughter at school for Parents' Weekend. We had so much fun. It was great to see her in her environment - walking down the street calling out to pals, shopping and finding things for her, talking about her dorm, boys, food, parties. Parties. Listening as she shared with me in honesty what she was doing on the weekends. Trying hard to find the Balance - not condoning but not condemning. So hard to find that middle ground.



Then meeting the Boyfriend. He is sweet. He is well mannered. He is spiritual and thoughtful. He has a few (physical) characteristics I find unusual, but my Daughter accepts him. So I keep my mouth shut and find the Balance.



Son finally calls me -it has been over a week. I know something is up, but he hasn't told me. Finally he tells me - he dropped a class. A required class. I pause and swallow my instant response, "WHAT THE F* R U THINKING?" And chill out to the point where I can ask him, "Did you consult your advisors? Did you evaluate what this means for next semester? Do you have a plan to attack this subject differently next time?" Turns out he didn't ask me OR Dad before dropping - he just dropped. And he hasn't told Dad yet. Striking the balance - I am paying the bills, he must do the work. Wondering if he thinks I am condoning this? Or does he get it that this is so not cool?



Striking the balance. Letting go while still holding on.



And I still miss them so much, every day, I would give anything to have that Do Over.

Refrigerator Papers have Been Replaced By Web Papers

Remember when we were kids - if you did something really well you got a "refrigerator paper" and it got hung up for all to see. With 5 kids in the house, that was quite the reward winning some real estate on the precious Fridge.

My parents still post Refrigerator Papers - these days it's a good medical report. No I'm not kidding.

I still have some of my kids' best work on my Refrigerator - a valentine they made me in Sunday School (yes in 2010...we were teaching Sunday School together!); a poem they wrote me for Mother's day in 2009.

This week I got two awesome phone calls/emails, 1 from Daughter, 1 from Son. Daughter had to read something by Aristotle then write something. Apparently the Teacher posts the reading on Wordpress and the kids respond, then they all read them and the teacher might comment. This week she only commented on ONE paper. Why yes you are RIGHT she left Daughter this comment: "Awesome!" And as a totally unbiased, neutral party, I will say there's a reason Daughter got that comment. Because while the rest of the kids were trying to figure out what Aristotle was saying (some wrote their papers on the fact that he is "outdated" and "Makes no sense," Daughter dissected it and made it understandable. God Bless her High School AP Teacher!!!!

Then Son called last night - seems in his class of 600 (600 in one classroom is why I sometimes fear his choice of school....) he submitted a slide for his Astronomy class. Kids can submit some interesting topic and the teacher chooses a few and puts them up. Sometimes they go up anonymously. Yesterday the teacher put two up anon and then said, "After this one by AU. H. no one else will want to go..." and proceeded to show Son's awesome slide on some topic he happened to notice in the Wall Street Journal that day. (I did not KNOW my son even ever HEARD of the WSJ, never mind reads it daily!!) Son was thrilled to have been called out by name and apparently received many texts from Classmates about his "awesome" slide. (I think it's an electronic slide b/c Son said something about including a video and something else he prepared). I am amazed on numerous levels here 1) He Chose to Do the Extra Credit when he's Not Even Failing! 2) He did the assignment with Zeal 3) He called his Mama to tell her about it 4) He enriches himself not just with Volleyball and Rugby [He made the Rugby team this week, too!!!] but with the WSJ!!!

They are far away, but they are where they should be. 2 weeks in and still bringing home Refrigerator Papers. I'm done bragging now. For today.... thanks for indulging me.

Letting Go

No words needed. Get the tissues before you hit play.

Fragile Teens

They walk like kings and queens, relishing their soon-to-be freedom. They soak up the compliments on their achievements, seemingly ready to conquer their new school, make new friends, climb to the top of the hill again. They make friends quickly at orientation, figure out how to switch classes before I have even figured out how to read their schedule, confidently take you across the maze of campus to the next session, whiz through BB&B choosing sheets, comforters, message boards, organizational tools. You hold back the tears and the sadness and embrace their new selves. You cheer them on and hope you don't miss them too much.

Until they stand in the kitchen at midnight, crying and telling you how much college is going to suck. How they don't want to leave their friends, their past, their buddies. How they cannot possibly face these challenging new classes, live in a 12 x 12 "cage" and succeed at anything. It is all overwhelming.

And you want to shrink them down to a 5YO size, put them in your lap, cuddle them like you did before they went off to kindergarten, and tell them that it will all be ok. And you'll always be here for them. That life is full of choices and this is but one. If it works out, it will be great. And if this choice doesn't work out, another will come along, and that will be great.

Instead you hug them, cry with them, point out the benefits of going to college now with Facebook and Skyping and cell phones, not like I did, I had to WRITE SNAIL MAIL every single day to my best friend. I couldn't afford to call him. [this was unfathomable to the Teen] And I missed him like someone had cut off my right hand. But I did make new friends - friends I have kept for 25 years, even after moving around the world and back. You try to explain that their life is a big pot of mixing in ingredients, simmering the old, adding the new, making this great creation, growing this wonderful person. You admit it is scary and a little bit sad, but mostly an awesome opportunity.

And you send them to bed with hugs and reassurances, and then cry yourself to sleep wondering if you have done the right thing, given them the right tools, loved them enough so that they will know they can ALWAYS come home to Mama.

The Trip

I just spent 48 hours with the Ex. We went to dinner and out drinking together. We spent the night together alone in a hotel room. Yes you read that right.

No you didn't miss any posts. Our "relationship" remains pretty much as it was.

So what could possess him to spend so much time with me?

Son is going to college and it was freshman orientation. Son's college is 5 or so hours away. We both agreed it would be stupid to drive 2 cars. Then he suggested - yes him - that it would be wasteful to get 2 rooms. Money is tight + we're facing double college, so I agreed. Call me desperate for civility.

The week leading up to the trip was frustrating to say the least. The day before we left he finally sent me an email about the trip + wanted to leave around 3. I told him I had a hearing at 2 and likely couldn't go til later but wasn't sure. I offered to call/text when I got out, but he said no. So when my hearing was a mere 20 minutes and I got home by 3:30 he was still an hour away at his job. He didn't think I'd be home then. Oh well. He doesn't want to communicate, I won't.

So we weren't starting well.

I sat in the back of his little BMW, silently reading and working.

Son stayed with us in the hotel the first night, a buffer. We were polite.

The next morning we went to school. I had been apprehensive about Son's choice. Tech is HUGE. Too big for Son, even if he is in the honors program with "only" 500 kids. But orientation changed all that. The meetings were multimedia extravaganzas. The school is totally organized, offers more assistance and services than I could ever fathom. The dean of the honors program is as human and approachable as he is brilliant. Wow.

Son was so excited - they pumped him up and then took him away. The honors program makes all decisions his, they talk to him, just telling us (separately) what they told him.

Thursday night we dropped Son off at the dorm at 5pm for the night and then...we were on our own.

Did I tell you this is Ex's Alma mater?

So Ex took me on a walking tour of the campus. I couldn't stop saying, "Wow! Awesome! Gorgeous!" The school is breathtaking, dynamic, fabulous. I hadn't been there in about 20 years, and I don't think I ever really had a tour. Ex was very accommodating, cheery, talkative, informative. It was so weird, but nice.

Then I realized we were not really talking. He was sharing his vast knowledge of the place, enjoying his walk through time. I told him I appreciated the tour and making me feel better about Son's choice. He said he was happy to do so. But any "conversation" beyond that didn't happen. I tried. Nope.

After the 2 hour walking tour in 95 degrees, we headed to the alumni house for a parent reception. We were early and headed to the bar for a rum drink (or two) on an empty stomach. I thought we would talk. Nope. Couldn't get him to toast the success of our Son without twisting his arm. Oh well the bartender and I shared rum knowledge. Ex seemed perplexed with my new-found rum knowledge.

Then we went to the reception. We ended up sitting with 2 dads also sending sons to school. We shared angst, laughs and drinks. Finally I realized we needed food, so we headed downtown for dinner.

We shared sushi for dinner. Sushi. In our 20 years of marriage we Never. Ate. Sushi. Turns out we both love it, both discovering that After the D. Of course he opted to sit at the bar and eat rather than share a table. And talked to the guy next to him not me. Again No Matter - I made my own fun with the bartender and some other folks.

Then we went for "one last drink" at The Famous College Bar. We shared a table with a guy we had met at dinner. Again we didn't have to talk. I tried a couple times. But really we stopped talking years ago. Decades even.

It was so weird to be with him in so many ways. Honestly I'm used to being with the Captain and we talk about everything all the time nonstop. Hard stuff, silly stuff, it's all out there. We hold hands everywhere and kiss at red lights. I briefly forgot Ex doesn't talk about anything. He walks 5 paces ahead of me. He does not answer questions. We never held hands while married. Kissing to him was an obligatory 30 second prelude to what he really wanted. I don't miss any of that. I did miss the Captain. It would have been so much more fun.

Throughout the trip Ex was mostly cordial, as was I. But there were times His True Self came through (as, I'm sure, did mine). When he belittled me, ignored my requests, refused to discuss something, I simply ignored him and did things my own way. I refused to take his crap. When we were married, in the interest of "making peace" I took his crap all the time. Now, I don't have to. I didn't fight with him - indeed we both don't care enough about each other to fight any more. (think about that). No, instead whatever conflict was at issue I handled my way, ignoring him. The funny thing was, when I did that, he put aside his nasty self and turned back to the funny, accommodating tour guide. (he can be very, very funny). I wonder if I had been more forthright in our marriage, refusing to take his crap then, if perhaps we would still be together? Oh well, we shall never know. But I doubt it. And I have NO regrets - well almost none. I wish my kids' parents were still married. But I'm glad I'm not married if that makes sense.

The best part of the trip was the happy feeling I got walking around campus, going through buildings, seeing dorms, touring food places, walking by the duck pond, standing on the war memorial overlooking the drill field - and "seeing" Son everywhere, feeling him growing, learning and becoming a wonderful man there. It truly is the right place for him. I didn't get that feeling last summer when we toured New England schools where he insisted he wanted to go. Even when he thought he wanted to go to my Alma mater (ironic no?) I wasn't sure. I just couldn't see him there.

But now, he is embracing his triple legacy (grandfather, father and now Son - and Great Uncle) and he is poised on the verge of greatness. And that is all that matters.

The Angry Blogger

I thought the Angry Blogger was gone. After 3 years of separation/divorce, I figured it would just be...well, just Be.

How long can one person be a jerk to another?

Wait that was rhetorical. Obviously.

So that whole thing about not needing a blog because not needing to bitch about the big D? OK I lied.

Last Monday calling Daughter's health insurance to check coverage:

Me: her number is blah blah, id blah blah this is her mother.

Health Care: Sorry, she is no longer covered by us. Her coverage changed. You should have gotten a new card. You'll have to call Other Insurance Company.

ME: WTF???

ME: Call to Ex during work: "Can you talk a minute or is this a bad time?" [I always ask that question first Always.]

EX: This is fine.

ME: "I just tried to call Daugther's Dr but she has new coverage? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? [angry but not yelling]

Ex: Well Maybe you should talk to your Daughter. [who is a MINOR]

ME: No maybe when my Minor Child has her insurance changed, one custodial 50% parent who is in charge of said health insurance should inform the other said 50% parent of an important change like a CHANGE TO HEALH INSURANCE.

dialtone - he is not on the phone. he hung up.

So I called him back. But he refused to answer. So I got Daughter out of bed and she bitched about it and I said, "Maybe if your father would talk to me instead of hanging up on me, I wouldn't need to wake you up. Sorry." [I never say stuff like that to them but now I. Am. Done.]

Then I emailed him - let him know he's childish and hurting his Daughter, not me. Let him know if this had been an emergency it would have cost HIM a fortune for not telling ME about the health insurance.

Then he emails me back - claims he "had to take a call from a jobsite" and had to disconnect. Like he didn't really hang up on me? Who the F*** disconnects without a quick, "Hey gotta run" or something? No one. And I always ask if it's a good time - I know he's at work. I wouldn't even have called except I needed to talk to the Drs about her health issue. What. A Freakin' Jerk.

I have not attempted to communicate since. [Oh by the way, this was after ignoring at least 2 of my emails about paying for college. I had to resend them twice before he "responded" and then he never truly responded. Apparently we are not going to discuss the mutual funds and college savings plans and decide together how to go about paying for college.]

Today Son said, "So how are you, dad and me getting to orientation at my College Wednesday?"

ME: I don't know - your dad will not speak to me. So I am not going to bother him at work. If he doesn't call me, you and I will get in the car Wednesday night and go. I have the hotel room booked. [which Ex is supposed to share - another blog post all its own if I could even figure that out. His idea]

If he doesn't want to talk, then we won't talk. My kids do talk to me. I have computers. I am not stupid. I do not need him to help me figure out all this college stuff. It would be nice to do it together. But apparently he has yet to figure out two important things:
1) I do not need him. for anything. At all. ever.
2) When he's a jerk, it only hurts his kids. Not me. Oh he makes me angry, but moreso because he hurts his kids. And blames me.

I'm hoping by blogging, the Angry Blogger can crawl back under her Rock and the Happy Me can return.

Preparing for LiftOff

For the past two years my blogging has helped me to look at life, to vent, to examine, to get feedback, to achieve vindication. When I started blogging, my divorce was raw, fresh, and constantly on my mind. I blogged to give family and friends a break from the constant complaining and sent my venting on the world, where bloggers could read or skip.

Right now, though, something else is all consuming and constantly on my mind, but I cannot face it and so I have not blogged.

I can't think about it without crying (like I am doing right now).

My head tells me it's a good thing. My heart however breaks.

Millions of parents go through it every year. It's a part of life.

It still breaks my heart.

Yes we are preparing to send the Twins to college. Two different colleges, one 250 miles away, one 550 miles away, both starting within a day of each other (at least the two schools are both south of home and therefore only 380 miles apart). There are medical forms, physicals, meal plan choices, cell phone upgrades, dorm room outfitting, budget talks, financial aid decisions, laptops, books, classes, schedules, transportation, hotels...the list seems endless. Multiply times two, add a divided household where Ex still refuses to talk, communicates when it suits him, emails but doesn't answer emails, and generally is an annoying jerk, and yeah, it's not really fun.

Add to that the kids are trying to get in their "last visits." Daughter will be gone for 2 weeks - one trip with high school friends, one trip with childhood friends. So this is my last week with her. I can't deny them their friends. But I want to say, "BUT THAT'S MY WEEK AND YOU CAN'T GO." Of course I won't say that.

And so I have nightmares of dropping them off and being alone.

I sit in my car and cry because I don't want them to see the tears.

Yes I am happy for them. Yes I am thrilled they are doing so well. Yes in a most twisted way I want them to go away to school, meet new people, travel new places.

I can't even type more at the moment....

Let me just say, I'M JUST GOING TO MISS THEM SO DARN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I Know Spring Arrived - a While Ago

My few faithful blogging buddies have cajoled me into changing my banner to spring. I admit I am relying on an old banner as - SURPRISE - I have not had time to garden, clean, do any of the things I would like to do! Yes I am working full time now, travelling too much for work, and picking up stomach flu's on the way home from travelling too much for work. Which means I am behind on my work. Which means I should be working not blogging. Anyway...

We are less than a month from D-DAY. Or should I say G-Day - Graduation day. I know it's "only high school," but this is a huge deal for me. Yes I said for me. OK OK it's huge for them, too, but they won't realize it for, oh, 25 years. My babies are leaving, going off to great schools to do great things and someday have a great job and be totally self sufficient so that I can go tend bar in the Caribbean and not have to support anyone but myself.

But for now, they are just leaving. And I am going to miss them. And I feel some [probably silly] burning desire to make this send off as excellent as I can. I refrained from saying "perfect." Nothing is ever perfect. But family, friends, a cool cake, some good food, music, a slide show, a repainted kitchen, repainted hall, repainted bedroom, cleaned windows, uncluttered closets, weeded gardens, new flowers, seeded grass, new college-themed dog collars, cleaned carpets, that's all it will take to pull off graduation weekend.

What? Think there are a few extra things in there maybe? I am the kind of person who needs an "EVENT" to make the chores of life happen. Son's room has needed painting for a YEAR and has been spackled awaiting paint for A YEAR. The painters come tomorrow....

You get the picture.

Anyone else out there need an EVENT to get the ball rolling on household projects??

Oh right - I almost forgot to add to the list "Buy 100 boxes of Kleenex." I'm not the only crier in the family...

"Corazon, Mi Corazon!" Coming From the Next Room

I'm working from home today, kids are home on a senior day off while the other underclassmen take PSAT's. Daughter is supposed to be writing her college application "personal statement" essay that is due TOMORROW. (Yes a bit early I know)

I'm listening to her sing and dance around her room. When suddenly it dawns on me - SHE'S SINGING IN SPANISH. Now this shouldn't surprise me. She's going to major in Spanish.

But as I sit here and listen to her singing - rapidly - in Spanish with a gorgeous spanish accent, it dawns on me deep down - my child is Fluent in Spanish. And this thrills me.

I have always wanted to be fluent in Spanish or any foreign language. We lived in Spain for 2 years and although I can "Communicate" I would not call me fluent. I don't really think in Spanish.

But my Daughter? Clearly does. She was amazing when we went so Spain this summer. But somehow the singing (effortlessly) and dancing around her room, trying to get in the right frame of mind to convince her dream school that she is worthy (and YES she is worthy! Just ask her Mom!), well, it seems like a lifetime of hoping and planning and disciplining and learning and playing and growing and experiencing - they are truly all coming together. And that makes everything so right, so worth all the effort, the pain, the struggles.

Everything.

Where Work and Life Collide

Many conflicting thoughts this weekend and as the new week begins.

This year, the kids spend Spring Break with the Ex. Nevermind that he kind of forgot to tell me that "Spring Break" to him means two weeks (my week included) as well as a few days off from school. that fight is there and gone.

As the kids packed to leave, excited at their prospect of a week with cousins, traveling south to visit colleges with dad along for the ride, I had such conflicting thoughts.

1) Glad they are spending time with cousins. They don't get that enough;
2) glad they are getting the "college tour" thing started;
3) devastated that I am not there with them.

Nevermind that I have been at work for 14 hours already today and am posting before going home. nevermind that I have a trial in 3 weeks and DO NOT HAVE TIME for college visits. Nevermind that 1/2 the colleges on the list my Daughter has no interest in and ALL of the college are of Zero interest to Son.

It doesn't matter. These are my babies. And I should be visiting colleges with them.

As the Captain Held me Sunday as I sobbed all of the above to him, he said, "Be thankful you feel this way about your children. Rejoice that you love them so much that you want to be with them. And embrace it. Then let it go and go do your job. Your children still love you."

Daughter called me this afternoon after the first visit - sadly I couldn't take the call as I was with clients in our meeting. But I called her back, chatted with the Cousins, and we're going to try again later.

Sometimes the Captain? yeah I think he might be God's personal messenger....