10 Minute Trainer, Day 1

It arrived today - my much awaited 10 minute trainer. I got home EARLY from work to take the kids back to school (huh?) so they could catch the Band Bus to Disney for their musical competition.

Neither kid was ready to go nor - gasp - wanted to talk to me. I had 10 minutes. or more. so what the hay? Let's pop in a DVD and work out. How hard could it be?

After 2 minutes I could not raise my arms. Who stole the muscles where my triceps used to be and left me with spineless sponge cake?

After 10 minutes my entire body was throbbing, legs barely holding me up.

what's 10 more minutes?

So I chose to add "lower body workout." How hard could it be?

HA my quads burned up at minute 3 and are smoldering in a pile on the floor somewhere.

My blubbery pile of abs revolted and reminded me that I ate a not-so-healthy pile of tomato soup for lunch (add 20 croutons and 6 pounds of cheese and well, healthy tomato soup? not so healthy....)

Breathing? Is that optional?

Yeah, I think this 10 minute trainer thing has possibilities.

Do YOU have 10 minutes?~!

Oh No I sound like an Infomercial...

And then I clicked Yes but I knew Better...

I work in the infomercial industry - you know, 1-800-buy-my-stuff. Yes they need lots of lawyers. It's not the only kind of industry I do, but I know enough to know better than to buy that stuff. The marketers make a TON of money. Some of it works. Most of it doesn't.

Then I was home on the couch with my laptop and spoiled dogs, nursing my pussy-eyed, sinus-infected, sickly teenage son, surfing the infomercials looking for one in a current lawsuit. And I came upon the 10 minute trainer. 10 minutes a day and lose a jean size in 10 days. I scanned the fine print (I know all the rules on testimonials). I ignored the "upsells." I surfed the web for additional promo coupons or discount sites. I watched the darn thing - watched the producer who makes these infomercials all the time supposedly get sucked in to this one and try it. And of course now he has awesome abs.

The premise makes sense - stacking your workout to work multiple parts of the body at the same time.

I surfed the web and read comment boards. Dang. It seems to work. People admitted in order to lose weight and have the results on TV you have to do more than 10 minutes - for advanced results they recommend doing 3 of the 10 minute workouts a day. And duh you need to eat less. A lot less. But you can lose inches without starving yourself.

And you know what? I can find 10 minutes 2 or 3 times a day.

Something has to change. Because nothing fits. Nothing. My eating habits are horrid. My jeans do not fit. My fat jeans don't fit. My fatter, sweatpants, please-don't-let-anyone-see-me-in-these sweatpants don't fit. I don't dare wear any of my suits without Spanx.

Summer is coming. Fast. Soccer season is coming. Fast. And I can't get motivated. I've never had so much trouble!

So Tony? You and your 10 minute Trainer better get here in 5 days as promised. Because I am in need of a trainer and you are as close as I'm going to get.

Maybe in memory of the great A** Project that obviously got derailed, I will keep a counter on my blog when I start, take some stats, and see if this thing works. After all, it does have a 30 day moneyback guarantee!!

Wednesday Keester Update

I am happy to report that the scale continues to move down in the right direction. Yippeee! I am hoping to continue to behave despite a house full of good food, party food, cake cake cake I love cake gimmee gimmee cake and ice cream (those evil Christmas people have the Peppermint ice cream out already and it's only OCTOBER how am I supposed to resist that, huh?) and I must eat candy corn while it is available. Sigh. This diet stuff is not easy.

I did play 90 minutes of soccer again on Sunday, but once again that is all that I did. When will I ever get back on my treadmill in earnest? I do not know.

The next 2 weeks will be full of dinners and travels and junk. If I can just not gain any weight, that will be a blessing.

Mom and Dad are here, and Mom says I don't look like I gained any weight. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE my mother? Yeah, she Rocks. Hard. Oh and if she thought I was chubby, yes she would tell me. Honestly? I think my hair was so bad today she couldn't focus on anything else. My mom is one of those 50's original girls who always always has perfect hair. Always. I swear she wakes up with perfect hair. Sadly, none of her three daughters quite measures up....

Thanks for the Obvious

QUICK POST FRIDAY

It's official - I have gained a lot of weight. Went for my rather overdue annual physical today. Yes, I am having avoidance issues. So the Dr. (a woman) says, "You've gained 10 pounds since your last physical. Not that you're fat, but wanted to make sure you knew that." OH GEE THANKS - NOPE IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT THE ROLL OF SKIN HANGING OVER MY JEANS OR THE MYRIAD OF CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET THAT REQUIRE A CROW BAR TO GET THEM OVER MY BUTT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY WEIGHT GAIN.

10 pounds when you're only 5' 4" is a lot.

Thanks Dr. Nice way to start the weekend.

My Ass Project '08 starts for REAL on Monday (see side bar). (Broccoli is in town for the weekend for World Cup Qualifying Match and there will be much beer and food consumed. And Yes I have a feeling the alcohol and food consumption might have something to do with my weight gain.....)

It was Not A Date - and my Ass ( I broke the ThighMaster)

Thanks to all of you who helped me figure out if I were being paranoid or if my kids were right. With your advice, a precautionary email, and some other well-advised tactics, the dinner with my Sunday School "Friend" was just fine thank-you-very-much.

It was too late to invite others. I already tried co-ercing the kids to join me but 1) it's dad's week 2) Daughter had Wind Ensemble and 3) Son said "OVer my dead body will I go." so not such a plan to bring them. Plan B? An email: "Gee too bad we didn't think to invite the other Sunday School teachers - then we could have all enjoyed learning more about each other and shared some ideas - well, maybe next time!" And Part 2 of Plan B: Captain strategically calls during dinner....

SO we had a lovely dinner, we DID talk about Sunday School and shared some ideas and solved some "how should we handle this rowdy kid" problems AND got to know each other a little better. AND he knows I have a BF. I think I have a new friend. No Hard Feelings. Whew.

And my Ass? Growing nicely. This week I managed to 1) work instead of play soccer 2) notice people jogging and think "Gee I have the urge to do that" which is a positive sign; 3) do a few hundred sit-ups 4) break my 1980's thigh master while attempting to tone my massive thighs.

So Broccoli is coming to watch the World Cup Qualifier against Cuba. We will tailgate and drink waaaaay too much beer and have fun (and watch Son run in his Cross Country Match) so, um, my ass project begins for real next week.

Pay no attention to the fact that I have said this previously. This time I Mean It. Really. Uh-huh...

Vegas Baby!

I am going to be soooooo sick of hearing that phrase - what movie is that from anyway? Actually I'm already sick of hearing it.

I'm headed to a conference in Vegas. 3000 people. I'm teaching a class (no not on blogging but keywords, metatags and internet advertising and the trademark implications thereof - I'm actually excited in a lawgeek kind of way....)

And there will be lots of "client development" aka parties. Lots of parties. No I will not gamble b/c I hate gambling. But I will be smoozing, and "glad handling" and "grin & greet"-ing. Some of it is fun. Most of it exhausting. oh and I have to fit in my billable time, too and get my pretrial motions filed by Monday afternoon.

Sooooo I won't be blogging for a while. And when I get back on Wednesday for my Ass Update you can bet I won't have made much progress on slimming down....

Ass Update: The Ass and My Ass

So it's thursday and I missed the Wednesday Ass Update: so sue me. I think I know a good lawyer....

As for my Ass, well It's growing nicely, thank-you-very-much. Let's see, since last Wednesday's ass update.... a weekend at a spectacular little chalet in Flordia - the Chalet Suzanne - Captain's friend's birthday party. Wine, Veuve Clicquot champagne, awesome bbq, 2 pieces of birthday cake, all you can eat breakfast, 'nough said. And then Tuesday, September 16th? Let's see...breakfast in bed by Daughter, Lunch with BossMan, Dinner with children at Outback (and they let me have first dibs on the cheesefries), cake at home after dinner...must be MY BIRTHDAY. Yep. Thank you Mr. Scale for those added 3 pounds.

And then there's the ASS who lives next door. Ready for this one? Ok aside from the fact that he has taken to running back into the house when he sees me coming outside with the dogs, we had this on Wednesday:

It's my week for the kids. And it's Awards Ceremony Week when the school devotes a night to honoring the kids for last year's performance. And induct the newbies in National Honor Society. (Yes I am P-R-O-U-D so sue me. See above). But with Cross country and PSAT class and soccer, and school being 30 minutes away in non-rush hour...well...we were late to the ceremony. Really late. I came rushing in to the gym, where 600 parents sat cramming the seats and 300 students were lined up outside waiting to do their processional in. I scanned the crowd 1) looking for ex so as not to sit by him, no dice; 2) looking for friends - oops I hear the band, find a seat mom and SIT DOWN. So I spy a seat over on the second section. I crawl over a few people to the middle and plunk down. And then I hear it. A large siiiigggh. Wait. I recognize that sigh - no not the teenagers, they are in line. So I turn my head slightly around and who is sitting right behind me??? Yep. Ex. So now I am giggling. B/c I truly did not see him. And I know he thinks I did and sat in front of him on purpose. Trust me, I never get this lucky.

So we sit through the ceremony ignoring each other. And file out ignoring each other. But I find the kids first and ask if they've seen dad. And direct them to say Hi to Dad. And smile at him but he ignores me. And I take the kids to ColdStone for some ice cream before we hit home.

And that's my Ass update...

Tomorrow I hit the Courthouse to file my "answer" to the divorce papers. I finished them finally today. Took 20 minutes. I just couldn't face it. So I cried my way to school to get the kids. No, I don't miss him. It just wasn't supposed to work out this way. And yeah, it would be nice if he could be friends. I mean, c'mon, we were married 20 years. OH and his parents sent me a card and a very generous birthday check. And once again his sister gets the award for the funniest birthday card ever (my brother a close second...). So there is only one explanation for him: ASS....

WEDNESDAY STILL A FLABBY ASS

Sigh. How did another week get away from me?

Positive things I did for the 2008 Ass Campaign this week:

• Played 90 minutes of outdoor soccer and ran hard for at least 1/2 of it. DIDN'T hurt my knee in the last few minutes, despite having the opportunity. Read All about It
• Did about 100 situps/crunches every other day. Not every day. not 400. But I'm getting there
• Added squats for the flabby thighs per Sharon, my friend who is a personal trainer. They don't hurt my knee too badly.
• Drank a lot of water

Bad Bad Behavior that has Thwarted any chances at losing weight:

• Ate "loaded" french fries for dinner Saturday while shopping at the mall with the kids after secretly crying in the dressing room looking at the backs of my thighs (damned 3 way mirrors) and realizing I will never be in shape at this rate...;
• Cleaned out the conference room of Twix Bars for dinner Monday night around 1130 pm at the office and drank too many diet cokes until 130 am;
• Trying to avoid a repeat Twix incident, Tuesday ate small pizza (with grapes and goat cheese topping strange but yummy) for lunch in cafeteria, then Ordered dinner at Chop House (crab bisque and steak salad with cheese and garlic bread and corn bread - have some carbs) with paralegal as we did exhibits until 11pm;
• Wednesday dying of hunger and exhausted after 2 late nights went to Clyde's and ordered the portobella, cheese, sun-dried tomato with alioli and toasted bread sandwich;

So Um Yeah, not such a great week.

ASS ABS UPDATE

Mrs. G. says we are to update on Wednesdays. So here I go.


NOPE No photos yet. (but my belly is hanging out in that photo below with BossMan). But after the debauchery of the weekend I have behaved myself. Ran 3.2 miles Tuesday. Did 150 crunches. Ate healthy food. Cut down drastically on the diet cokes.


I still have a looooong way to go. But I am finally finally headed in the right direction. 2 days down, many many more to go.


Thanks Mrs. G for giving me the courage to face the Flabbys.

CLARIFICATION ABOUT ABS AND ASSES

QUICK POST FRIDAY

Based on my previous post, some of you are under the mistaken belief that I have abs. I used to have abs. As shortly as 1 year ago. Then I stopped doing my 400 cruches a day and got lazy and now I have flabby abs. To Go with my Flabby Butt. And my flabby thighs.

Things are getting pretty flabby around here. Thus my desire - my need - to join Mrs. G's Ass Project.

I will rediscover the Abs....

Enjoy your weekend folks. Mine started early with the Captain. And we're having a great time! BUFFET TOMORROW! YIPPEEE.....

Ass Project Failure - or at least very false start...

1 week has passed since I VOWED to become a better participant in the ASS PROJECT. But I am still eating too much. I did cut down the drinking significantly (please ignore that wine glass on my left). I didn't do situps every day. I didn't even exercise every day.

Mid week (weeks starting on Wednesday means Saturday is midweek) I got inspired by Son. He's joined cross country. Which is perplexing b/c he HATES to run. Something about staying in shape for Rugby. I think it's peer pressure. Love it. Anyway, we went up to CT to see my family, and he wanted to "do a 5 mile circuit."

Whoa boy. I haven't run in 8 weeks since I wiped out my knee playing soccer. OK OK the Dr said I should be good to go by now. But let me put aside my hot fudge sundae, and I'll strap on those sneakers....

I woke up early Saturday morning and thought he would forget. But he was at my side by 930 a.m. (crack-o-dawn in teenagerland) bugging me to run. OK OK I strapped on the sneakers and prepared to run.

But wait. What's this? Son says we can't just run, we have to stretch first! Along comes Daughter, who shouts, "I declare myself Ruler of Stretching Exercises! I am Captain of the Soccer team after all!" So she makes us warm up properly.

So I get ready to run - but WAIT. What's THIS? Something about pushups and crunches and "PLANKS"

Son says before we run we have to do the exercise circuit - pushups and crunches (he is amazed at my ability to crush on those crunches) and PLANKS. Something about balancing yourself on your side and pushing up off the ground with just your 1 arm and your toes. Again, I do have abs so I could do that one.

"NOW CAN WE RUN PLEASE?!"

We took off for my favorite 5 mile circuit - but after 1/2 mile my knee was screaming. After 1 mile I thought I was going to have to do the unmentionable and walk....

After 1.5 miles I was lovin' it.

Then 2 miles.

Then up the big hills while Son walked - 3 miles.

4 miles and Son announces, "I GOTTA POOP." We were still at least a 1/2 mile from home. I got him to a point where he knew where he was and he took off. I laughed to myself. He'll learn....

Anyway, I was excited about Saturday. I did almost 5 miles. And it felt good! So of course I would run again this week, right?

Right?

Maybe once?

Just a little?

Um nope. Here it is Wednesday again and I am sitting on my ASS. Isn't that what ASS PROJECT is all about? Sitting on your ass? NO? I'm supposed to be minimizing that baby?

OK OK. Maybe next week.

Because this week the Captain is in town - I did tell him to bring his sneakers so we could walk a lot. But we're going to Buffett on Saturday. that means Rum. Rhum. Lots of Rhum.

Sigh. I'm going to have this big ass forever....

Wednesday's Ass Project Update

Mrs. G had a great idea - take a shot of her ass, blog it and encourage us all to get down with her and get rid of these jiggly butts. And "Ass Project 08" was born (see the button on my side bar)



of course I lack the nerve to take a photo of my butt in granny pants. But that's why Mrs. G. rocks so hard.



And since Ass project '08 started and I vowed to get back to my exercise and all? How have I been doing? well....



I have rediscovered Hot Fudge Sundaes and gained another couple pounds. I don't think this is what Mrs. G had in mind.....



I did make a photo copy for Friend (sorry) Captain Rainman of my Ab Lounger workout book b/c he didn't have the book but had the lounger. We were going to encourage each other from 1000 miles away to get toned between meet-ups! He's doing treadmills and pushups and situps. And I'm eating Ice Cream. Hmmmmm.



OK SO TODAY I will really really really dive into the Ass Project. I can't let Mrs. G down! Or the Captain! By Next Wednesday when Captain Rainman Returns to my world to join me at BUFFETT (see countdown clock in sidebar) there WILL. BE. PROGRESS!!



Maybe I'll even take a photo...