Adjustments

It has been a hot summer. No silly not hawt. Just H-O-T.

I love H-O-T. OK I love hawt, too, but that's another post.

After a few days of 100+ degrees, I got used to it.

After a few weeks of 100+ degrees and 99% humidity, I awoke to temps in the 70's. I got in my convertible...and turned on the heated seats.

Oh yes I did. Really. It was 76 degrees and I was freezing. I put the "Just In Case" sweatshirt back in the car, too.

Any questions remaining on why I need to move to Florida?!

The Trip

I just spent 48 hours with the Ex. We went to dinner and out drinking together. We spent the night together alone in a hotel room. Yes you read that right.

No you didn't miss any posts. Our "relationship" remains pretty much as it was.

So what could possess him to spend so much time with me?

Son is going to college and it was freshman orientation. Son's college is 5 or so hours away. We both agreed it would be stupid to drive 2 cars. Then he suggested - yes him - that it would be wasteful to get 2 rooms. Money is tight + we're facing double college, so I agreed. Call me desperate for civility.

The week leading up to the trip was frustrating to say the least. The day before we left he finally sent me an email about the trip + wanted to leave around 3. I told him I had a hearing at 2 and likely couldn't go til later but wasn't sure. I offered to call/text when I got out, but he said no. So when my hearing was a mere 20 minutes and I got home by 3:30 he was still an hour away at his job. He didn't think I'd be home then. Oh well. He doesn't want to communicate, I won't.

So we weren't starting well.

I sat in the back of his little BMW, silently reading and working.

Son stayed with us in the hotel the first night, a buffer. We were polite.

The next morning we went to school. I had been apprehensive about Son's choice. Tech is HUGE. Too big for Son, even if he is in the honors program with "only" 500 kids. But orientation changed all that. The meetings were multimedia extravaganzas. The school is totally organized, offers more assistance and services than I could ever fathom. The dean of the honors program is as human and approachable as he is brilliant. Wow.

Son was so excited - they pumped him up and then took him away. The honors program makes all decisions his, they talk to him, just telling us (separately) what they told him.

Thursday night we dropped Son off at the dorm at 5pm for the night and then...we were on our own.

Did I tell you this is Ex's Alma mater?

So Ex took me on a walking tour of the campus. I couldn't stop saying, "Wow! Awesome! Gorgeous!" The school is breathtaking, dynamic, fabulous. I hadn't been there in about 20 years, and I don't think I ever really had a tour. Ex was very accommodating, cheery, talkative, informative. It was so weird, but nice.

Then I realized we were not really talking. He was sharing his vast knowledge of the place, enjoying his walk through time. I told him I appreciated the tour and making me feel better about Son's choice. He said he was happy to do so. But any "conversation" beyond that didn't happen. I tried. Nope.

After the 2 hour walking tour in 95 degrees, we headed to the alumni house for a parent reception. We were early and headed to the bar for a rum drink (or two) on an empty stomach. I thought we would talk. Nope. Couldn't get him to toast the success of our Son without twisting his arm. Oh well the bartender and I shared rum knowledge. Ex seemed perplexed with my new-found rum knowledge.

Then we went to the reception. We ended up sitting with 2 dads also sending sons to school. We shared angst, laughs and drinks. Finally I realized we needed food, so we headed downtown for dinner.

We shared sushi for dinner. Sushi. In our 20 years of marriage we Never. Ate. Sushi. Turns out we both love it, both discovering that After the D. Of course he opted to sit at the bar and eat rather than share a table. And talked to the guy next to him not me. Again No Matter - I made my own fun with the bartender and some other folks.

Then we went for "one last drink" at The Famous College Bar. We shared a table with a guy we had met at dinner. Again we didn't have to talk. I tried a couple times. But really we stopped talking years ago. Decades even.

It was so weird to be with him in so many ways. Honestly I'm used to being with the Captain and we talk about everything all the time nonstop. Hard stuff, silly stuff, it's all out there. We hold hands everywhere and kiss at red lights. I briefly forgot Ex doesn't talk about anything. He walks 5 paces ahead of me. He does not answer questions. We never held hands while married. Kissing to him was an obligatory 30 second prelude to what he really wanted. I don't miss any of that. I did miss the Captain. It would have been so much more fun.

Throughout the trip Ex was mostly cordial, as was I. But there were times His True Self came through (as, I'm sure, did mine). When he belittled me, ignored my requests, refused to discuss something, I simply ignored him and did things my own way. I refused to take his crap. When we were married, in the interest of "making peace" I took his crap all the time. Now, I don't have to. I didn't fight with him - indeed we both don't care enough about each other to fight any more. (think about that). No, instead whatever conflict was at issue I handled my way, ignoring him. The funny thing was, when I did that, he put aside his nasty self and turned back to the funny, accommodating tour guide. (he can be very, very funny). I wonder if I had been more forthright in our marriage, refusing to take his crap then, if perhaps we would still be together? Oh well, we shall never know. But I doubt it. And I have NO regrets - well almost none. I wish my kids' parents were still married. But I'm glad I'm not married if that makes sense.

The best part of the trip was the happy feeling I got walking around campus, going through buildings, seeing dorms, touring food places, walking by the duck pond, standing on the war memorial overlooking the drill field - and "seeing" Son everywhere, feeling him growing, learning and becoming a wonderful man there. It truly is the right place for him. I didn't get that feeling last summer when we toured New England schools where he insisted he wanted to go. Even when he thought he wanted to go to my Alma mater (ironic no?) I wasn't sure. I just couldn't see him there.

But now, he is embracing his triple legacy (grandfather, father and now Son - and Great Uncle) and he is poised on the verge of greatness. And that is all that matters.

The Angry Blogger

I thought the Angry Blogger was gone. After 3 years of separation/divorce, I figured it would just be...well, just Be.

How long can one person be a jerk to another?

Wait that was rhetorical. Obviously.

So that whole thing about not needing a blog because not needing to bitch about the big D? OK I lied.

Last Monday calling Daughter's health insurance to check coverage:

Me: her number is blah blah, id blah blah this is her mother.

Health Care: Sorry, she is no longer covered by us. Her coverage changed. You should have gotten a new card. You'll have to call Other Insurance Company.

ME: WTF???

ME: Call to Ex during work: "Can you talk a minute or is this a bad time?" [I always ask that question first Always.]

EX: This is fine.

ME: "I just tried to call Daugther's Dr but she has new coverage? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? [angry but not yelling]

Ex: Well Maybe you should talk to your Daughter. [who is a MINOR]

ME: No maybe when my Minor Child has her insurance changed, one custodial 50% parent who is in charge of said health insurance should inform the other said 50% parent of an important change like a CHANGE TO HEALH INSURANCE.

dialtone - he is not on the phone. he hung up.

So I called him back. But he refused to answer. So I got Daughter out of bed and she bitched about it and I said, "Maybe if your father would talk to me instead of hanging up on me, I wouldn't need to wake you up. Sorry." [I never say stuff like that to them but now I. Am. Done.]

Then I emailed him - let him know he's childish and hurting his Daughter, not me. Let him know if this had been an emergency it would have cost HIM a fortune for not telling ME about the health insurance.

Then he emails me back - claims he "had to take a call from a jobsite" and had to disconnect. Like he didn't really hang up on me? Who the F*** disconnects without a quick, "Hey gotta run" or something? No one. And I always ask if it's a good time - I know he's at work. I wouldn't even have called except I needed to talk to the Drs about her health issue. What. A Freakin' Jerk.

I have not attempted to communicate since. [Oh by the way, this was after ignoring at least 2 of my emails about paying for college. I had to resend them twice before he "responded" and then he never truly responded. Apparently we are not going to discuss the mutual funds and college savings plans and decide together how to go about paying for college.]

Today Son said, "So how are you, dad and me getting to orientation at my College Wednesday?"

ME: I don't know - your dad will not speak to me. So I am not going to bother him at work. If he doesn't call me, you and I will get in the car Wednesday night and go. I have the hotel room booked. [which Ex is supposed to share - another blog post all its own if I could even figure that out. His idea]

If he doesn't want to talk, then we won't talk. My kids do talk to me. I have computers. I am not stupid. I do not need him to help me figure out all this college stuff. It would be nice to do it together. But apparently he has yet to figure out two important things:
1) I do not need him. for anything. At all. ever.
2) When he's a jerk, it only hurts his kids. Not me. Oh he makes me angry, but moreso because he hurts his kids. And blames me.

I'm hoping by blogging, the Angry Blogger can crawl back under her Rock and the Happy Me can return.

Preparing for LiftOff

For the past two years my blogging has helped me to look at life, to vent, to examine, to get feedback, to achieve vindication. When I started blogging, my divorce was raw, fresh, and constantly on my mind. I blogged to give family and friends a break from the constant complaining and sent my venting on the world, where bloggers could read or skip.

Right now, though, something else is all consuming and constantly on my mind, but I cannot face it and so I have not blogged.

I can't think about it without crying (like I am doing right now).

My head tells me it's a good thing. My heart however breaks.

Millions of parents go through it every year. It's a part of life.

It still breaks my heart.

Yes we are preparing to send the Twins to college. Two different colleges, one 250 miles away, one 550 miles away, both starting within a day of each other (at least the two schools are both south of home and therefore only 380 miles apart). There are medical forms, physicals, meal plan choices, cell phone upgrades, dorm room outfitting, budget talks, financial aid decisions, laptops, books, classes, schedules, transportation, hotels...the list seems endless. Multiply times two, add a divided household where Ex still refuses to talk, communicates when it suits him, emails but doesn't answer emails, and generally is an annoying jerk, and yeah, it's not really fun.

Add to that the kids are trying to get in their "last visits." Daughter will be gone for 2 weeks - one trip with high school friends, one trip with childhood friends. So this is my last week with her. I can't deny them their friends. But I want to say, "BUT THAT'S MY WEEK AND YOU CAN'T GO." Of course I won't say that.

And so I have nightmares of dropping them off and being alone.

I sit in my car and cry because I don't want them to see the tears.

Yes I am happy for them. Yes I am thrilled they are doing so well. Yes in a most twisted way I want them to go away to school, meet new people, travel new places.

I can't even type more at the moment....

Let me just say, I'M JUST GOING TO MISS THEM SO DARN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!