In my Rebuilding class, we write a goodbye letter. I wrote mine but I need to feel it. It may be TMI for some of you. I have thought hard about this. And I think part of my Rebuilding is letting go and Believing I CAN let go. So here is my Goodbye Letter.
I started to tell you goodbye. After two pages of solid, single spaced, tiny handwriting, I hadn’t even gotten close to the goodbye part – I was still tracing history. And I realized I wasn’t saying goodbye because I haven’t gotten past the blame.
The blame I have taken for our breakup.
The blame I want to assign to you for not loving me. For never loving me. For lying to me about being my Prince Charming. For pretending to be the other half of “the perfect couple.”
And then I realized that I need to say goodbye to the blame, to the past, to the dreams shattered, the heart broken. I need to say goodbye to the pain of never being heard.
I admit it – I wanted the perfect life. I wanted 2.3 kids, a dog, a picket fence, a vacation home, and lots of cousins and grandparents. Most of all, I wanted love. To love and be loved, warts and all. I wanted to be the girl you thought you married. I tried to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Sunday School teacher, children’s choir director, Brownie Mom, Denmother. When that didn’t work, I tried to be the best law student and then the best lawyer. Something – anything – that would bring back the dream. The dream of us, of our family, our extended family, all of it.
When it became apparent that nothing I did would ever be good enough, when you gained 50 pounds and told me you didn’t care because I was killing you, I broke. I schemed, I planned. I told you to leave – it’s what you asked for all those years ago. It’s what you said you wanted when the kids went to college. So I gave you an early release for bad behavior.
And you hated me for it – you said I was selfish. I wrecked the dream, I ruined our future. I damaged the children.
I wore a big D on my shirt. I was shamed. I failed. I lost the future – grandchildren in rocking chairs on the front porch, growing old together, holidays, milestones celebrated, family time. All gone.
Despite my friends, my family, your sisters, my children – telling me it was OK, I started to believe you. I started to take all the blame and the guilt and to doubt myself as you were always so good at making me do.
Until today when I put it all down on paper and said Wait. This is a child’s dream built on a foundation of make believe. The 5 year old in me wanted Prince Charming. The 18 year old girl thought she found it. The 30 year old girl clung obsessively to it. But the 40 year old girl woke up and saw the lie for what it was.
Maybe I could have done it better. Maybe I could have been kinder. Maybe I could be nicer some days. Maybe you could, too. But today I am saying goodbye to the blame. Today I am saying goodbye to the childish dreams that never had a chance of coming true. Today I am saying goodbye for being a foolish girl in love with a lie. Today I am saying goodbye to the heartache of trying so hard to get you to notice me. Good-bye yesterday.
Hello tomorrow.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
THE SNOW IN PHOTOS
Looking out my back door, across my yard to the little playhouse that the kids' Great Grandfather built in 1967.
Out my back slider to the trampoline in the distance. It's still snowing in this photo by the way...
Looking down my street - after the first big snow fall and just as the second one is starting. Notice my streets haven't really been plowed...
Looking up my driveway after the first big snow and the morning of the second one. We had shovelled the driveway twice already since the second snow began.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
When Snowpocalypse Meets Snoverkill
These past few days have given me a glimpse into survival, into human nature, into the fragility of life and my own pathetic nature. Mostly I am impressed by what I see around me, but I am sorely disappointed in "government."
Friday night we started the Snowpocalpyse - my neighborhood got between 25 and 30 inches of snow. I live in a VERY old neighborhood with lots of old, tall trees and pine trees, which hold the snow until they can't and they fall over and break stuff - powerlines, houses, cars, people. It's rather scary. We lost a lot of powerlines. Saturday 4am we lost power.
Saturday we lived in the family room with the door closed and the fire going. We brought in loads of wood and keep trudging out to the woodpile to dig under the tarp for more wood. Dragging it back across a 1/2 acre in 2.5 feet of snow got challenging. [why yes I asked Son before it all started to get wood. But he didn't think of the magnitude of the snow, so he left too much of it on the pile]. I cooked eggs over the fire, made hot chocolate, reheated old dinners. We were surviving. We played card games, shoveled snow. Shovelled again. Shovelled again.
Saturday night I would sleep for about an hour then restack the wood on the fire. The temperature in the house dropped to the 40's but the family room was livable. And we had dogs and blankets.
By Sunday morning we were out of wood, out of patience. [note to self - you are a wimp. How did people survive Katrina? Haiti? I would not have made it] We were lucky to have hot water so we braced for a quick shower- nothing like stepping out of a hot shower into 40 degrees. Brrrr.
We packed up all the stuff we had bought for the big game, and a friend came in his ginormous construction truck and took us to his house. His small, adorable house packed to the gills with other "refugees." I cooked all day Sunday and fed the masses for THE BEST SUPERBOWL EVER. Who Dat and all dat.
Sunday I took my one Dog Queen Bee to another friend's and slept. Truly slept. Wow.
Monday, no power. I realized the one change of clothes wasn't going to get me through, so I spent Monday feeding the masses at Refugee central, then decided to hike back to my house for a change of clothes. Daughter had hiked off to another friend's house about 2 miles away with the other 2 dogs. Son was out working, snowplowing driveways and helping the elderly. Meanwhile neighbors were out canvassing, knocking on doors, getting out the older folks. They put one woman on a sled and dragged her a couple miles while other men carried her wheelchair so that they could get her to a safe place.
Wait - sleds, hiking miles? Where do I live? Out in the midwest? HELL NO I LIVE 10 MILES FROM DC. So why all the pioneering? Because they don't plow my neighborhood. Ever. If I could just get to the top of my street, I would be home free. Just 0.7 mile is freedom. but from here to there is hell. And I'm lucky - some of my neighbors just around the corner are barricaded behind trees and downed powerlines. With the new snow due tonight, they may not get power for another week. Fortunately as I returned to my house Monday night, I realized the furnace was running! POWER! It took 6 hours to get up to the 60's inside.
Pathetic. Totally and wholly pathetic.
We've had PEPCO power trucks in our neighborhood - they look down those side streets and say,"Gee, we'd restore power if we could get down there but we can't. See you later."
And the plows have entered our neighborhood- they do ONE street. One. And leave. We stop them and beg them to turn down another side street. For some reason they tell us they can't.
My neighbor took matters into his own hands Saturday morning and had a "friend" come plow him out. But just beyond his house, he left a 7 foot pile of snow, which is now ice. Our "through" street is no longer "through." We've had four 911 calls that had to turn around because of the pile. I finally called neighbor today and said, "The masses are ready to lynch you. Call in some favors and get that pile out of here. We are too busy digging our selves and our elderly neighbors out to deal with the pile of Ice you created."
We do not understand why we are abandoned. There are computer maps of our county that show that the richer neighborhoods have been plowed. But we, again, are ignored. At the very least, the county plows need to go out with the PEPCO trucks and plow out the streets with no power so that people can be restored.
No power isn't about comfort. It's about survival. Houses are 36 degrees. Pipes are in danger of bursting (some have already burst I hear). Older people cannot maneuver in the snow and are afraid to leave, but if they stay, they will die. I am so afraid of what we are going to hear after the storm is over. We are banding together to canvas the neighborhood, but I am afraid we have missed someone.
This is not a third world country. This is not the rural outback. This is the suburbs of Washington DC, and this is pathetic.
Friday night we started the Snowpocalpyse - my neighborhood got between 25 and 30 inches of snow. I live in a VERY old neighborhood with lots of old, tall trees and pine trees, which hold the snow until they can't and they fall over and break stuff - powerlines, houses, cars, people. It's rather scary. We lost a lot of powerlines. Saturday 4am we lost power.
Saturday we lived in the family room with the door closed and the fire going. We brought in loads of wood and keep trudging out to the woodpile to dig under the tarp for more wood. Dragging it back across a 1/2 acre in 2.5 feet of snow got challenging. [why yes I asked Son before it all started to get wood. But he didn't think of the magnitude of the snow, so he left too much of it on the pile]. I cooked eggs over the fire, made hot chocolate, reheated old dinners. We were surviving. We played card games, shoveled snow. Shovelled again. Shovelled again.
Saturday night I would sleep for about an hour then restack the wood on the fire. The temperature in the house dropped to the 40's but the family room was livable. And we had dogs and blankets.
By Sunday morning we were out of wood, out of patience. [note to self - you are a wimp. How did people survive Katrina? Haiti? I would not have made it] We were lucky to have hot water so we braced for a quick shower- nothing like stepping out of a hot shower into 40 degrees. Brrrr.
We packed up all the stuff we had bought for the big game, and a friend came in his ginormous construction truck and took us to his house. His small, adorable house packed to the gills with other "refugees." I cooked all day Sunday and fed the masses for THE BEST SUPERBOWL EVER. Who Dat and all dat.
Sunday I took my one Dog Queen Bee to another friend's and slept. Truly slept. Wow.
Monday, no power. I realized the one change of clothes wasn't going to get me through, so I spent Monday feeding the masses at Refugee central, then decided to hike back to my house for a change of clothes. Daughter had hiked off to another friend's house about 2 miles away with the other 2 dogs. Son was out working, snowplowing driveways and helping the elderly. Meanwhile neighbors were out canvassing, knocking on doors, getting out the older folks. They put one woman on a sled and dragged her a couple miles while other men carried her wheelchair so that they could get her to a safe place.
Wait - sleds, hiking miles? Where do I live? Out in the midwest? HELL NO I LIVE 10 MILES FROM DC. So why all the pioneering? Because they don't plow my neighborhood. Ever. If I could just get to the top of my street, I would be home free. Just 0.7 mile is freedom. but from here to there is hell. And I'm lucky - some of my neighbors just around the corner are barricaded behind trees and downed powerlines. With the new snow due tonight, they may not get power for another week. Fortunately as I returned to my house Monday night, I realized the furnace was running! POWER! It took 6 hours to get up to the 60's inside.
Pathetic. Totally and wholly pathetic.
We've had PEPCO power trucks in our neighborhood - they look down those side streets and say,"Gee, we'd restore power if we could get down there but we can't. See you later."
And the plows have entered our neighborhood- they do ONE street. One. And leave. We stop them and beg them to turn down another side street. For some reason they tell us they can't.
My neighbor took matters into his own hands Saturday morning and had a "friend" come plow him out. But just beyond his house, he left a 7 foot pile of snow, which is now ice. Our "through" street is no longer "through." We've had four 911 calls that had to turn around because of the pile. I finally called neighbor today and said, "The masses are ready to lynch you. Call in some favors and get that pile out of here. We are too busy digging our selves and our elderly neighbors out to deal with the pile of Ice you created."
We do not understand why we are abandoned. There are computer maps of our county that show that the richer neighborhoods have been plowed. But we, again, are ignored. At the very least, the county plows need to go out with the PEPCO trucks and plow out the streets with no power so that people can be restored.
No power isn't about comfort. It's about survival. Houses are 36 degrees. Pipes are in danger of bursting (some have already burst I hear). Older people cannot maneuver in the snow and are afraid to leave, but if they stay, they will die. I am so afraid of what we are going to hear after the storm is over. We are banding together to canvas the neighborhood, but I am afraid we have missed someone.
This is not a third world country. This is not the rural outback. This is the suburbs of Washington DC, and this is pathetic.
Friday, February 5, 2010
As Life Passes By
Sometimes I find it curious that the more there is to say, the less I Blog. Part of that is because certain people read this that I don't want to, and so the things I used to write about, I don't. Part of it is, well, I find myself too busy to blog. The outlet I craved, needed during those early days of being divorced seem to have faded. And yet, when something funny or endearing or enraging happens, I often write the post in my head, wondering what snappy comment Cheri would find, missing the wit and love of Jo, the humor of Suzy, the support of Chitown Girl, Etc Etc Etc, Jenn, Hula Girl, and so many others. I don't read the blogs like I used to, but I carry you all around in my heart.
And so it is that another major event, a turn in the road has occurred and yet the pages of my blog remain blank. Tonight as we get the Snowpocolypse, I sit by the fire, watching the snow fall at a rate of 2-3 inches an hour, and ponder the past few weeks.
A few weeks ago, The Captain and I had a Big Talk. And he graciously accepted the fact that "I gotta be me." It's no secret I found him right on the heels of my breakup. I tried to keep him at arm's distance, knowing that I probably needed some Alone Time to deal with the Divorce. But he was so cute, supportive, loving, friendly, unassuming, funny, charming, adventuresome. He was all that Ex never, ever was. And yet he was all the good things Ex was, too - handy, smart, generous, quiet. Quiet? Yeah, why do I pick those quiet guys? And could this quiet guy like me when the first one, despite knowing my rather, um, outgoing personality, got tired of me so fast?
And it's no secret I started a Rebuilding class in September. The first rule of the class, "Don't date." Ha! don't date? I've get a serious boyfriend of nearly 2 years! Don't date?
Those words haunted me. The words of my therapist, my friends, my family, total strangers all coming back to me. "How can you start a new relationship when you haven't spent time letting go of the last one."
And so as the fall turned to winter, and dating turned to, well, "More," I started to Panic. And I stopped enjoying all the things we shared. I stopped loving the texts, the phone calls, the 20 second "HIthinkingof you" breaks in the day. I stopped writing emails. I dreaded the long journeys. I didn't want to pack.
And he knew. Of course he knew. Because amazingly, He Knows Me. He gets me. And that scares me - because what if no one else ever gets me like he does? But why am I right back in a relationship? The Panic won. The Captain stepped aside.
I am sailing alone, but I do not feel adrift. I have kept what the Captain taught me, and the mentors before him. I am not sure of my course, having not yet mastered celestial navigation. But I am asking God for Guidance. The Captain checks in and has asked the Courts for an extension to file a brief in rebuttal. He is gathering his exhibits and his expert witnesses (his words, not mine and no he's not a lawyer, just very witty!). He has submitted his first brief, which the Court is pondering rather than filing an opposition.
In the months to come, I will tackle my Self. My career plans, my kids graduating, my House, my goals, my future. Not that the Captain really interfered with that (here's where it gets difficult). He let me be me, and yet, just by being with him, I felt I couldn't be Me. Perhaps 20 years of second-guessing, feeling guilty, feeling inadequate have left me with a desire to prove myself to myself.
And so I am charting my own course. For now.
And so it is that another major event, a turn in the road has occurred and yet the pages of my blog remain blank. Tonight as we get the Snowpocolypse, I sit by the fire, watching the snow fall at a rate of 2-3 inches an hour, and ponder the past few weeks.
A few weeks ago, The Captain and I had a Big Talk. And he graciously accepted the fact that "I gotta be me." It's no secret I found him right on the heels of my breakup. I tried to keep him at arm's distance, knowing that I probably needed some Alone Time to deal with the Divorce. But he was so cute, supportive, loving, friendly, unassuming, funny, charming, adventuresome. He was all that Ex never, ever was. And yet he was all the good things Ex was, too - handy, smart, generous, quiet. Quiet? Yeah, why do I pick those quiet guys? And could this quiet guy like me when the first one, despite knowing my rather, um, outgoing personality, got tired of me so fast?
And it's no secret I started a Rebuilding class in September. The first rule of the class, "Don't date." Ha! don't date? I've get a serious boyfriend of nearly 2 years! Don't date?
Those words haunted me. The words of my therapist, my friends, my family, total strangers all coming back to me. "How can you start a new relationship when you haven't spent time letting go of the last one."
And so as the fall turned to winter, and dating turned to, well, "More," I started to Panic. And I stopped enjoying all the things we shared. I stopped loving the texts, the phone calls, the 20 second "HIthinkingof you" breaks in the day. I stopped writing emails. I dreaded the long journeys. I didn't want to pack.
And he knew. Of course he knew. Because amazingly, He Knows Me. He gets me. And that scares me - because what if no one else ever gets me like he does? But why am I right back in a relationship? The Panic won. The Captain stepped aside.
I am sailing alone, but I do not feel adrift. I have kept what the Captain taught me, and the mentors before him. I am not sure of my course, having not yet mastered celestial navigation. But I am asking God for Guidance. The Captain checks in and has asked the Courts for an extension to file a brief in rebuttal. He is gathering his exhibits and his expert witnesses (his words, not mine and no he's not a lawyer, just very witty!). He has submitted his first brief, which the Court is pondering rather than filing an opposition.
In the months to come, I will tackle my Self. My career plans, my kids graduating, my House, my goals, my future. Not that the Captain really interfered with that (here's where it gets difficult). He let me be me, and yet, just by being with him, I felt I couldn't be Me. Perhaps 20 years of second-guessing, feeling guilty, feeling inadequate have left me with a desire to prove myself to myself.
And so I am charting my own course. For now.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
More Surprising than Love from My Credit Cards...
Everyone knows Teenagers can be Tough. They can be self-centered. They can be ego-centric. They can be combative.
But sometimes, they can just knock your sox all to hell and back.
Last night (and the night before) were AWESOME Teenage nights.
I started working full-time on January 1. Full time as an attorney means 2200 hours a year. You do the math....
So making dinner, grocery shopping, homework, schlepping, those all take the place of sleep.
Unless you have teenagers like mine.
This year they drop me off at the metro on their way to school and pick me up whenever I call them to get me in the evenings. So far so good. Saves me about $150 a month in parking alone - net - as in $240 to park - $90 average for metro a month.
Tuesday night I got home around 6:45 - kids were starving. I threw together some quesadillas and daughter asked if I wanted to watch a movie. HA! Movie? I have to grocery shop! and Clean! And I have a 9:45 pm championship soccer game!
She said, "Watch the movie - then I'll go grocery shopping." So I did. Then, not only did they both go to the grocery store, but they came to my game and cheered us on . No we didn't win but we sure had fun! And Daughter drove me home, which is always nice.
Last night I again got home around 7pm, and again they were starving. As I walked in the house, I thought I had the wrong house. Actually, it started when I got into the car - which was totally vacuumed and cleaned out. The house? Spotless - kitchen scrubbed, drawers cleaned out, trash out, fireplace cleaned out and firebox freshly stacked with new wood; then we put away all the Christmas boxes and Daughter vacuumed upstairs without being asked. I tell you, it was the most relaxing, rewarding, amazing thing. Ever.
I think they are coming to understand that I work full time because two college bills will be starting in the fall and my career needs a little boost to pay for that. They know I try to give them what they need and more when I think it's good. Like Jamaica. They are great to help when asked - but to do all this without being asked? Simply amazing.
And that is way better than personal thank yous from my credit card company. Every time.
But sometimes, they can just knock your sox all to hell and back.
Last night (and the night before) were AWESOME Teenage nights.
I started working full-time on January 1. Full time as an attorney means 2200 hours a year. You do the math....
So making dinner, grocery shopping, homework, schlepping, those all take the place of sleep.
Unless you have teenagers like mine.
This year they drop me off at the metro on their way to school and pick me up whenever I call them to get me in the evenings. So far so good. Saves me about $150 a month in parking alone - net - as in $240 to park - $90 average for metro a month.
Tuesday night I got home around 6:45 - kids were starving. I threw together some quesadillas and daughter asked if I wanted to watch a movie. HA! Movie? I have to grocery shop! and Clean! And I have a 9:45 pm championship soccer game!
She said, "Watch the movie - then I'll go grocery shopping." So I did. Then, not only did they both go to the grocery store, but they came to my game and cheered us on . No we didn't win but we sure had fun! And Daughter drove me home, which is always nice.
Last night I again got home around 7pm, and again they were starving. As I walked in the house, I thought I had the wrong house. Actually, it started when I got into the car - which was totally vacuumed and cleaned out. The house? Spotless - kitchen scrubbed, drawers cleaned out, trash out, fireplace cleaned out and firebox freshly stacked with new wood; then we put away all the Christmas boxes and Daughter vacuumed upstairs without being asked. I tell you, it was the most relaxing, rewarding, amazing thing. Ever.
I think they are coming to understand that I work full time because two college bills will be starting in the fall and my career needs a little boost to pay for that. They know I try to give them what they need and more when I think it's good. Like Jamaica. They are great to help when asked - but to do all this without being asked? Simply amazing.
And that is way better than personal thank yous from my credit card company. Every time.
Friday, January 15, 2010
More Love from my Credit Card Company - no kidding
Remember how my LLBean card sent me a present - a really nice present? Kohl's has jumped on the bandwagon.
It looked like a delayed Christmas Card - a gold, thick envelope, nicely printed. I didn't recognize the return address or the individual named on the return address. So I opened it:
Dear Ms. Shops-Way-Too-Much:
Thank you for your recent purchases at Kohls. We want you to know that we value you as a customer and we truly appreciate your recent business. We hope you continue to spend way more money than you should at our store. Maybe we'll send you a wreath like LLBean."
Ok so those last two sentences didn't quite say that. But a personal thank-you note from my Kohl's card? I really need to stay home...which I have been doing. No shopping for me until ... a long, long time from now.
It looked like a delayed Christmas Card - a gold, thick envelope, nicely printed. I didn't recognize the return address or the individual named on the return address. So I opened it:
Dear Ms. Shops-Way-Too-Much:
Thank you for your recent purchases at Kohls. We want you to know that we value you as a customer and we truly appreciate your recent business. We hope you continue to spend way more money than you should at our store. Maybe we'll send you a wreath like LLBean."
Ok so those last two sentences didn't quite say that. But a personal thank-you note from my Kohl's card? I really need to stay home...which I have been doing. No shopping for me until ... a long, long time from now.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
About Haiti and Another Good Thing about my Job
It started with murmurs around the office about the tragedy in Haiti. Stories of the bodies in the streets, the vast homelessness, the destruction beyond possible comprehension.
Then there were phone calls to the Managing Partner who has family there inquiring as to their safety and "how can we help?"
An email followed from Managing Partner to all The Firm, thanking them for the expressions of concern and listing three reputable organizations where we can donate funds if we so choose.
The Managing Partner's email started a barrage of emails with places to donate - Oxfam, various Jewish organizations, how to donate through a simple text message on your phone, and places holding food drives.
Once again the Firm rallied around things more important than legal precedent, contracts, billable hours or office politics. Once again the good people of My Firm reminded me why I like it here so much, (even if it's freezing in the winter) - because the people here care about more than themselves, more than the law.
We are "Big Law" and we do earn a lot of money - I admit it. It's nice to know that we're quick to give it away, too.
Won't you join us? Here are just a few of the choices available:
Then there were phone calls to the Managing Partner who has family there inquiring as to their safety and "how can we help?"
An email followed from Managing Partner to all The Firm, thanking them for the expressions of concern and listing three reputable organizations where we can donate funds if we so choose.
The Managing Partner's email started a barrage of emails with places to donate - Oxfam, various Jewish organizations, how to donate through a simple text message on your phone, and places holding food drives.
Once again the Firm rallied around things more important than legal precedent, contracts, billable hours or office politics. Once again the good people of My Firm reminded me why I like it here so much, (even if it's freezing in the winter) - because the people here care about more than themselves, more than the law.
We are "Big Law" and we do earn a lot of money - I admit it. It's nice to know that we're quick to give it away, too.
Won't you join us? Here are just a few of the choices available:
- American Red Cross P.O. Box 37243, Washington, D.C. 20013, or made by phone at 1-800-REDCROSS or 1-800-257-7575 (Spanish) or online at http://www.redcross.org/.
- http://crs.org/ Catholic Relief Services - see the "donate now" button on the top right of home page
- Oxfam: http://www.oxfam.org/en/pressroom/pressrelease/2010-01-13/large-earthquake-haiti
- American Jewish World Service (www.ajws.org/haitiearthquake);
- American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee (http://www.jdc.org/),
- American Jewish Committee (www.ajc.org/haitifund)
- B'nai B'rith International (https://secure.ga1.org/05web_relief_donatins).
- The U.S. State Department has created a means to donate to the Red Cross for Haiti relief efforts. Simply text “90999” with the word “HAITI” and $10 will be charged to your cell phone bill.
- Via twitter, Haitian musician and UN Goodwill Ambassador Wyclef Jean is asking for donations to his organization Yele Haiti. Text the word “Yele” to 501501 to donate $5 to relief. You can also tweet the following message to spread the word: @wyclef: Haiti is in need of immediate AID please text Yele to 501 501 and donate $5 toward earthquake relief. Learn more about Yele Haiti’s work through an Americas Quarterly interview with Wyclef Jean.
- If you are interested in sponsoring a New York-based team of doctors and paramedics experienced in disaster relief who are working to get to Haiti, please contact aqinfo@as-coa.org.
Edited to add: The firm is matching our individual donations up to $50,000 which, given the size of our firm, should hopefully be accomplished easily. I think the firm also made a separate donation of $25,000, but I'm not positive. A certain not-so-accurate law blog which had the audacity to hijack one of my blog entries last summer reported the 25,000. Not sure what the source of info was.
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