Where Personalities Clash

I have teenagers - twins in college - and therefore it should come as no surprise there is a communication gap.

My difficulty lies in the fact that because I do NOT have a communication gap with Daughter, I feel slighted by Son. Instead of looking at the glass 1/2 full, I seem to be feeling the glass is 1/2 empty.

My head tells me my relationship with my Son is probably the "normal" one, and my relationship with my Daughter is just a crazy gift.

I suppose if I were still married that would be easier to swallow. Instead, I wonder. Does Son talk to Dad? Would he rather be with Dad than me? Does he complain to Dad about me the way Daughter complains to me about Dad? The secret stalker in me is dying to know.

OK the answer is obvious probably. I do try to keep communication open with the Son. I text him, call him, email him (not obsessively but enough once or twice a week to let him know I'm alive. And if he calls, no matter what time, I ALWAYS take the call, even if it means hanging up on a client). He is coming home tonight from college for Thanksgiving break. Es is picking him up this time (I picked him up from fall break). Part of me is sad about that - Ex arranged a ride through someone he knows at work. Ex has lots of connections to Son because it's Ex's alma mater. I can't help but feeling that Ex is smuggly content in his "leg up" on me. He refuses to communicate with me about anything. He has made lots of trips down to see Son this fall and I think he must have connections that get him hotel rooms in a town where you have to book at LEAST a year in advance on football weekends. He has lots of ticket connections, too, I think. I know he makes nasty references about me when I am not around. And so, I let the stress of a relationship with my Son - a normal stress for any parent of any college teen - be compounded by the interference (perceived or actual, who knows?) of the Ex.

I made some definite plans with Son to do things on Sunday. I let him know that he is free to bounce between houses but that I need to know if he's planning on being here because I care that he is safe. I let him know that he's spending Thanksgiving with Dad and that Mom would like to spend time with him, too. Not all his time - he wants to see friends and do stuff. But Mom wants to Do Stuff, too. Ya know?

My head gets it. The Heart is the one that needs some convincing.

Edited to add: Thanks to all for the comments and to Mom for calling me up personally. You are all right (well except for that last "Anonymous" one who is too chicken to give a name and too shallow to know what this blog is about.) I think most of this was angst over my current personal situation with the Captain and some things I have come to realize, along with the incredible and overwhelming love I have for the kids and the desire to be what they need me to be that is best for them. As it turns out, Son and I had an AWESOME weekend, a great day Sunday, and he has been in and out a lot thus far over break. He went with me Tuesday to pick up Daughter. He is an amazing child. I know he does love me. I underestimated him, too, about Thanksgiving. He said to me the other night, "I want to spend some time here because I'll be with Dad on Thanksgiving." My Dear, Sweet Boy. Amazing.

One Dilemma Solved

Thanksgiving Issue: Not an issue.

One of my friends who had previously invited me to Thanksgiving called me this weekend and said, "No Really I meant it - please come. You'd probably be the only one to help me anyway! No one else cooks!" This friend is a good friend, her daughter is my daughter's best friend. Honestly I had two major hesitations on accepting: 1) would Daughter feel weird that I was with her friend and not her? and 2) would I freak out upon being with this awesome, extended family (many of whom I already know) and think about my own family and turn into a blubbering idiot? [yes that could really happen. I'm a sap. S-A-P].

I talked to Daughter this weekend about the offer. She is royally P-O'd with her Dad. She sees no reason why I can't just spend the holidays with his family (yes I was going to be invited until he told his sister, "She can celebrate Thanksgiving some other day!"). I told Daughter that I understand Ex and that he will never forgive whatever perceived wrong I have done. Leave it at that. Daughter thinks me celebrating with this particular family is an awesome idea. She said, "I know you'll have fun! They are awesome. You should go." I think, as many have pointed out, she'd be more upset if I were home than if I were with her friend's family.

Why no I did not ask Son about this. The lovely yet ego-centric child has not given 2 seconds of thought to "what is mom doing on Thanksgiving?" That's ok. It's who he is right now and I know he loves me in his way.

And point number 2 about freaking out? I decided to be totally honest with my friend and shared my concerns. She said she understands but that I will feel like part of the family - heck in some ways they have made me so over the last couple of years. It's going to be a tough Thanksgiving for them - her very dear friend and neighbor passed away recently and she's having the friends' family over. I think she's counting on me for some support and comic relief. If I can be there to help cook, clean and crack some jokes, then maybe she needs me just a little bit, too. Being a Friend in return - that I know how to do.

Thanks to all of you near and far for your offers of places to go. The reason I don't want to leave the area is the kids are only home for a few days, and I don't want to miss that. I am hoping to hang out with them Wednesday and Friday, so I need to stay close to home.
Thanksgiving - no longer an issue.

Wow I am so silly sometimes!

And Then BANG IT was 2010

I had all good intentions of posting our family christmas poem (yes I send one of those as a Christmas Card) and then I had all kinds of cool stories to tell about Christmas eve and Christmas morning, but first I had to jump on a plane to go to warm, sunny, beautiful Florida to be with the Captain. So blogging Had to Wait.

And then we went to the Captain's Mom's for the weekend - I had only met her once before - and we enjoyed an awesome weekend of cooking, shopping, and playing Dominoes (the lady is a rum-sipping Card Shark I tell you!). So Blogging Had to Wait.

Then I was just hanging out thinking about beaches and sunshine and thinking about Blogging. Foolishly I thought I had time to Blog. So Blogging Had to Wait.

Then BAM one of my dormant cases explodes. Fortunately or unfortunately, the client was just 20 miles from the Captain's house, so I was able to spend my vacation days at the client's preparing for a hearing and drove home each night to the Captain, a glass of wine, and dinner. So Blogging Had to Wait.

New Year's Eve in Miami? Well let's just say it doesn't suck. 80 degrees, shorts, sailing to Bayshore to watch fireworks, too much champagne, lots of good friends and good food. So Blogging Had to Wait.

I spent New Year's Day .... Not blogging. Drafting a brief for this case. So Blogging had to wait.

And every day since, I have worked my butt off on the case. Yep, you got it. So Blogging Has to Wait.

I am back to work full time now. Meaning I actually get paid full time for the work I've been doing for 5 years but being paid part time. The switch is now I have the pressure of having to bill 1900+ hours and then there are 300 + hours of required non-billables (you know, marketing, professional development, pro bono). I have a feel? Blogging Will Have to Wait.

Happy New Year to All my Blogging buddies. Blogging will likely be somewhat scarce in 2010. Or maybe it won't be - as this is THE YEAR THE KIDS GRADUATE. There have already been many exciting moments as the kids received their acceptances (and a rejection sadly) to the Universities. We're still waiting for more info, but I think Daughter is off to the College of Charleston! Woot! Son is very undecided, but going North to Snowboard and play Rugby somewhere. Maybe he'll even attend classes! There will be the Prom, a band trip to Canada, Graduation (GASP!) and lots of fun times I hope. We are blessed indeed.

Back to work for me! Yes it is 4 a.m. Sleep is apparently optional in 2010.

An Easter Gift

Saturday, the day before Easter, I knocked out a ton of the chores on my list, then turned to Work and Trial Prep.



Sitting on the couch with Stinky while Queen Bee snored in her bed on the floor, around 7pm I heard my text ring. Daughter with a message: "We're heading home tonight [a full day early] - around 1030 or 11 will u be up?" YES!!!!! She said she'd come right over.



Now I am not deluding myself into thinking she's coming over to see me. No - I know after 7 or 8 days away from her Precious Stinky, she was coming over to see her Puppy. But I'll take her any way I can get her.



She came running in, bubbling with information and excitement over the prospective college visits and sharing with me the details of her acceptance into the Peer Ministry program** at her high school.



I shouldn't be catty, I know, but can I say I was grateful when I heard the words, "Don't ever make me go anywhere ever again with Dad and Brother....." And other comments about how much she missed me and how I would've understood what she wanted or expected. This the girl who gave me pretty much the cold shoulder before leaving on her trip. Ah the fickleness of a Teenager.



I am excited to know she has found a couple of schools she really likes - and that she is back to thinking she wants to go to school in FLORIDA. YEAH!! (her first choice school is currently in Florida! Yeah! But we're a LONG way from a decision) I'm glad the trip was a success and she has more of an idea where she wants to go. I'm soooooo glad she missed me. Really missed me. And, get this, apparently appreciates me and how much I understand her!



Huh?



Oh doesn't hurt that I just happened to have chocolate cake waiting for her - she gave up Chocolate for Lent. She hung out with me til midnight and then scarfed it down. And said THANKS more times than I could count. Who says you can't buy love with Chocolate Cake?!



Son came over, too, for a bit. Mostly to steal Queen Bee. DRD wasn't next door that night - she was still at the kennel, so Son wanted a Dog, too. I traded him Queen Bee for his attendance at Church on Easter. What? Can't I bribe him to go to Church? I think Jesus would approve...maybe.



Anyway, Son is a bit more into the college search thing now. He thinks he still wants to go Way North so he can snowboard. But he's keeping an open mind. Both kids have completely and totally crossed of Ex's school from their list. I'm convinced Ex is not going to be happy unless one of the kids goes there. But they both do not like his school - waaaay too big. I figured that out a long time ago, but kept my mouth shut. At this stage in the game, I want the kids to try to whittle things down themselves without being told how to think. Aren't they supposed to be preparing for college? Somehow they have to get this through their dad's head.



So Easter Morning the kids showed up. Our church is very casual, but being Easter I asked, "Please no jeans." Son went waaaay further than that and donned a tie. So handsome! Daughter took some of "our" clothes - we have a few outfits we've bought together that we technically share. We laughed when we realized we were all in shades of blue.

So my "first holiday alone"? Yeah, not so much. It was a wonderful Easter Surprise.

Aloha Friday

Welcome to this week’s edition of Aloha Friday brought to you by Island Life.

I need an easy Friday post, so I've joined her Aloha Friday. She explains:

In Hawaii, Aloha Friday is the day that we take it easy and look forward to the
weekend. So I thought that on Fridays I would take it easy on posting,
too.
Therefore, I’ll ask a simple question for you to answer. Nothing that
requires a lengthy response. Post your answer in my comments.

My question of the week for you:

Have you ever spent a holiday alone? If yes why? If no, would you want to?

My answer: I am spending my first holiday alone this Sunday: Easter. The kids are away with their dad. My family is too far away (because my work schedule will not allow me to travel to them) and I am not comfortable spending it with the Ex's family. So I will go to church alone - although I will sit with friends there - and then I will come home. I have plans to spend the
day with friends, but we are doing a very UnEastery, UnReligious thing by going to a Steeple
Chase. It will be fun, but weird. This is Easter after all.

No suits and ties.

No Easter Egg Hunt.

But I am not sad. Just experiencing something different.